A Tale Of Two Witches Read online

  “Well, now,” she said, a bit flustered. “I don’t think you…”

  “She means it,” Jeeves said, putting the finishing touches on a pan of the sweet smelling goop. “And I agree with my mate and soon-to-be wife. You will live here. I’ll put another addition on the house and build the boys the tree house they’ve been angling for.”

  “I really…” Marge protested.

  “You can,” I insisted. “You really can. We can be a wonderfully fucked up dysfunctional family who love themselves madly and eat cookies.”

  “Well, when you put it like that, I don’t know how I can refuse, girlie,” Marge said dryly, but with a delighted smile pulling at her lips.

  “Good, it’s settled then. What are you two geniuses gonna do with the goop when it’s done?” I asked, peeking in the large pot. “Isn’t it kind of dangerous to leave it sitting around—especially since we’re gonna summon Bermangoggleshitballs?”

  “No worries,” Marge assured me. “Baba Yaga stopped by earlier and we warded the property within an inch of its life. No one with ill intentions will make it within two hundred feet of this house.”

  “Holy hell, Baba Yoassmunch is still in Assjacket?” I asked, pilfering one of the burnt cookies and sticking a few in my pocket for later.

  “She is and I do believe she’s wearing out her welcome at Zelda’s. Apparently, she conjured up disco balls in the children’s rooms,” Marge informed us. “Didn’t go over too well.”

  “Mac told me she’s leaving later this morning and taking the babies out of town until it’s safe. If Shit-titty gets wind of how powerful the twins are going to become, he’ll want them,” Jeeves said.

  My dark warlock father was certainly a treat—a full-fledged psycho dick. I could only pray to the Goddess that when we summoned him those demons weren’t with him. Part of me hoped that he had nothing to do with the Legion showing up, but that was not very likely.

  Grabbing a few more cookies, I kissed Jeeves and hugged Marge. “I’ve got to go to Zelda’s and finish making the plan to confront the asswipe.”

  “Finish?” Marge inquired, surprised. “You only have part of a plan?”

  “Umm… no. I actually have no plan. But I think winging it might be a sucktastic way to play this one. However, I do want everyone in Assjacket to stay in their houses—no one on the street and no one alone—including you guys.”

  “Sounds like a plan to me,” Jeeves said, gently pushing me out the front door. “By the way, you look gorgeous.”

  I kind of noticed that he didn’t exactly agree to my objective, but when he complimented my hot little Alice and Olivia mini dress, I forgot all about it.

  “Right?” I squealed in excitement, spinning circles in our front yard. “And I’m wearing shorts under it since I plan on riding my broom. Don’t want Assjacket seeing my cute panties.”

  “Baby, you know you can fly without it,” he pointed out, grinning from ear to ear at my little show.

  “Yep, but I love my broom.”

  Snapping my fingers, my broom floated out from the little shed of magical shit that I totally needed to clean out. Whatever, I’d get to that after I sent my father to hell.

  “I love you,” I called out to Jeeves, as I hopped on my broom and levitated into the air.

  “Babe, if your father wants to know what kind of Shifter I am, don’t tell him. Okay?”

  “Why? I’m proud of you. Screw him if he doesn’t like kangaroos. He has horns and stankass breath for the love of the Goddess,” I said, confused as to why Jeeves would want to keep his identity a secret.

  “Trust me on this. If it comes up, just make something up. We’ll surprise him with it when the time is right.”

  “Whatever you want,” I told him as I waved my hand and created a wind that would take me to Zelda’s. “But you need to love yourself. You made me love me, and I love you, so you better love you too. Wait. Did that make sense? I might have just spoken French.”

  Jeeves laughed and blew me a kiss. Goddess, he was hot in his apron.

  “It made sense. Now go make a plan. I’ll see you soon.”

  “Bye,” I yelled as the wind swept me up toward the clouds.

  Flying during the day posed all kinds of risks if humans were close by, but thankfully humans never stayed long in Assjacket. It would be devastating if humans got caught up in the mess that was about to go down. Heck, it would be horrible if any of the Shifters got caught in it.

  The ward still held and I zoomed up high to make sure there were no holes or rips. Nope. It was perfect and gorgeous. It literally radiated happiness and love. Nothing dark would penetrate it unless we called it here. Again, I really, really, really hoped my father was working solo today. Zelda and I were novices with dark magic, but I had a feeling I was going to be trying it out today.

  Bring. It. On.

  * * *

  “She left, thank the Goddess,” Zelda ground out as she waved her hands wildly and removed all of the enhancements Baba Yaga had added to her lovely home. “I thought the disco balls were awful, but then I found about fourteen lava lamps. She has the worst taste ever.”

  “Cookie Witch is going to live with us.”

  “Repeat,” Zelda ordered with a horrified expression on her face.

  “Zelda, she’s lonely and sad. I want her to be happy like I am.”

  “Goddess, you have got to stop gathering strays—first the chipmunks and now an insane witch.” She mumbled swear words as she found a pile of multi colored Slinkys, a few Rubik’s cubes and a child sized PAC-MAN machine. “Damn it, Baba Yodumbass has a freakin’ problem. Why couldn’t she have gotten stuck in a time period that had cool shit?”

  “I like strays,” I told her as I tried to untangle a few of the Slinkys she’d tossed in the trash. My boys would love these things. “I’m a stray.”

  “This is true,” she said, pulling a banana clip, some fingerless lace gloves and a pair of leg warmers from behind a pillow on her couch. “I’m a stray too, or I was for a long time. I suppose now that I have Fabdudio, I’m not technically a stray anymore.”

  “I don’t think you have to find parental units to not be a stray,” I said thoughtfully, as I took the leg warmers from her hands and stuffed them in my purse. “I chose my family. Just like I chose my friends.”

  “Okay,” Zelda said with a perplexed expression. “Your brains are starting to scare me, and just what in the Goddess’s name are you going to do with those leg warmers?”

  “I’m going to put them on my broom in the winter. The handle gets freakin’ cold when it’s below thirty degrees and it’s hell on my Virginia.”

  “I should zap your ass for the visual you just burned into my brain.” Zelda groaned and tossed all the rest of the 80’s crap into a pile. With a wave of her hand it all poofed away in a cloud of amber smoke. “And why in hell do you ride that thing? We can fly without them.”

  “Because I like my broom. It’s fun. You should try it. Makes me feel like I’m a flying fairy tale.”

  “Seriously?”

  “Yep. I know you like fairy tales…” I grinned and raised my eyebrows.

  “Yesssss,” Zelda agreed with a laugh. “However, I like to act them out with Mac and they end in an R rated porn… but I can see how riding a broom might be interesting. Anyhoo, we have a summoning to discuss. You ready?”

  “Nope. You?”

  “Absolutely not, but that’s never stopped me yet,” she replied. “Baba gave me some more information.”

  Grabbing my hand, Zelda pulled me over to the couch and yanked me down. My stomach was starting to tingle—and not with my new found self-love. It rumbled with fear. This wasn’t witchy child’s play we were about to conjure up. It was real and potentially very deadly.

  “Her bobble headed posse of old as dirt warlocks have been running interference with Shit-titty’s minions. They haven’t eliminated any, but they’ve been able to save a fair amount of innocent magicals.”

  “And th
e Legion? How many are there?” I asked, wondering if the bobble heads had suffered any causalities.

  “Two,” Zelda confirmed what we had already been told. She stood and began to pace the room. “Twenty minions, two demons and one Shit-titty. Odds are not great if they all show up at the same time.”

  “Can’t we just summon my Sperm Donor by himself?” I asked, confused. “Let’s get his stank ass here and then make another plan to go after the rest.”

  “I agree, but Baba Yobearerofcrapnews said we can’t be sure that by summoning Shit-titty that we won’t bring the entire shitshow to Assjacket.”

  Letting my head drop to my hands, I did some deep breathing. The need to blow up a bunch of stuff was overwhelming. Destroying Zelda and Mac’s house would solve nothing and probably piss my BFF off. Goddess, just when life was going great, the shit had to fly.

  “Fine.” I quickly sat on my sparking hands. I hoped I didn’t burn a hole in the butt of my minidress, but that was the least of my problems at the moment. “Let them all come. We’re the only ones that can end them, so we may as well do it all at the same time.”

  “Might not have a choice,” she said. “Have you ever popped anyone?”

  “Um… no,” I said with a wince. “Just buildings.”

  “Same principle,” Zelda told me. “You’ll feel the darkness inside you—or at least I did. Just go with it and let it guide you to do good.”

  “It’s good to blow people up?” I asked, feeling ill.

  “No. But when it’s them against us, we have no choice. And by us, I mean us and the rest of the magical world.”

  I pictured all the people I loved. Every single one of them was magical—every single one. My stomach roiled with dread, but all reservations about what I needed to do disappeared. Jeeves’ face was in my mind. Nothing could ever happen to him. He was my happiness. While popping bad guys wasn’t exactly my style, I was in a hundred percent if it meant protecting him.

  “I can work with that,” I said slowly. “I’ll just pretend they’re all buildings that need to come down. Permanently. What about the demons? Can we pop those fuckers?”

  Zelda stopped pacing and let out the mother of all sighs. “No… we have to send them back to hell.”

  “Mmmkay,” I said, feeling my butt heat as the sparks from my fingers ramped up. I was pretty sure I was going to burn a nice sized hole in her couch. “You have any idea how to do that?”

  “Yes and no…and yes. Maybe—not sure, but I think so.”

  “I know I’m not exactly the smartest witch in the world, but I didn’t quite get an answer from any of that.”

  Zelda began to glow and not in a good way. Her frustration unnerved me. I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to like what I was about to hear.

  “Can we go outside for the rest of this conversation?” I asked. “I really need to blow something up and I’m pretty sure you like your house.”

  “Yes, let’s go.” She yanked me up by my spark shooting hands and flew us out the front door.

  The first thing I saw when I landed with a thud on the grass was the lime green Kia that Baba Yaga had made her drive when we’d been released from the Big House. She hated that car—or at least I hoped she did.

  With a wild wave of my hands, an unladylike stomp of my foot, and a shriek that belonged in a horror movie, I blew the hunk of metal into oblivion. Dropping to my knees, I placed my hands in the grass and clenched it for dear life.

  “Goddess, that felt good,” I choked out, trying to get hold of myself.

  “Dude,” Zelda said, impressed and a little scared. “That was pretty dang dark. Is that how you always blow shit up?”

  “No,” I said. “Normally, it’s pretty fun. I just wiggle my nose and do a little squeaky noise. That was not my usual style.”

  Zelda was quiet for a moment and then laughed. “Maybe the Goddess is helping us get in touch with the other side.”

  I said nothing. All the words on the tip of my tongue were going to get me an ass zapping of massive proportions. When this was over—if I lived through it—I was going to have a little chat with the Goddess.

  “Well, that was interesting,” Mac said as he walked up and examined the crater I’d created with my explosive tendencies.

  “Sorry,” I mumbled.

  “No worries,” he replied with a chuckle. “I hated that car. Zelda, I brought you what you asked for.”

  “Are they still pissed?” she asked.

  Was who pissed? What did Mac bring her?

  “I’m going to go with a yes on that and they’re still bald.”

  Oh, Goddess. No fucking way.

  “You brought the cats out of hiding?” I demanded, shocked. I didn’t have time to deal with three fat felines who were going to want retribution for being waxed.

  “We need them,” Zelda pointed out firmly. “While they’re not dark, any magic blasted at them will bounce back to the aggressor. They’ll buy us time and love violence as much as you do.”

  She was sadly correct. Her familiars were pains in the ass, but having them in a battle was every kind of smart.

  “They’re going to want payback for that little grooming mishap,” I said, wrinkling my nose.

  “They’ll have to wait,” Zelda said. “Plus, I think you put a very healthy fear into the ball lickers. It’s kind of cute.”

  “Fine. The damn day can’t get much worse than it already is. We may as well add some trash talking hairless cats to the mix.”

  “That’s my girl.” Zelda laughed and called for the cats.

  “All the plans in place yet?” Mac asked, taking Zelda’s hand in his.

  “Not yet, but we’re getting there.”

  She was right. Normally getting there was half the battle, but today I wasn’t so sure.

  Chapter Fifteen

  “So lemme get this straight,” Fat Bastard said, lifting his head from his kitty crotch after a thorough nut cleansing. “Youse two dingbats are gonna summon Shit-titty—which by the way has a nice ring to it—and a bunch of bad warlock fuckwads and two dicks that came up through from the Underworld?”

  “That’s about right,” I said, wincing at the look the three cats were sporting. I actually felt a little bad, but they’d fired my babies. A mom had to do what a mom had to do…

  They sat on the couch side by side, all going to town on their nads. Random tufts of hair had grown back all over their fat squishy bodies making them look like diseased, foul mouthed, albino freaks of nature. It was horrifyingly wrong and kind of funny.

  “Youse broads is crazy,” Jango Fett announced, giving me the stink eye.

  I knew he wanted to get me back, but thankfully they listened to Zelda—for the most part.

  “Tell us something we don’t know,” Zelda griped.

  “Okay, sweet cheeks,” Boba Fett chimed in. “Youse are gonna need more than just the twos of youse and us to make this facacta plan work.”

  “I call bullshit on that,” I snapped. I had no idea what facacta meant but figured it was the French word for bad. “We’re the only ones with dark magic and you depilated catnip lovers are the only ones who can defend yourselves adequately from it.”

  “When did youse start speakin’ French?” Fat Bastard inquired, impressed. Adjusting his wrinkly package, he gave me a nod of approval.

  “Yesterday,” I told him, happy that he’d noticed. “I don’t even know when I’m doing it. However, compliments won’t get your fat ass anywhere. No one but us is going into the fight.”

  “I always tell the truth. Even when I’m lyin’,” Fat Bastard shot back, shrugging his semi-haired shoulders.

  “What in the ever loving hell does that even mean?” Zelda snapped, narrowing her eyes at her idiot familiars.

  “Nothin’,” Fat Bastard said with a chuckle. “Just always wanted to say it. But youse have a shitty plan going here.”

  “We don’t even have a plan,” I grumbled, starting to panic. “We’re just gonna summon my Sperm
Donor and… um…”

  “And what?” Jango asked. “Have a reunion? Do a little square dancin’?”

  “Square dancing?” Zelda asked with an eye roll.

  “All good fathers square dance with their daughters,” Jango confirmed.

  “Told ya,” I said with a weak grin.

  “Whatever,” Zelda grumbled. “We have a crappy plan. Do you testicle washers have a better one?”

  “As a matter of the fact, weese do,” Fat Bastard informed us, hopping—or more accurately falling off the couch and waddling over to where we stood. “Youse are gonna need Mac to open the earth to send them demon dudes back to hell.”

  “That’s fine,” Mac said. “I’ll stay out of the way until you need me.”

  Zelda began to glow and her hair whipped around her head in displeasure. “I don’t like that at all.”

  “I don’t either, but the thought of losing everything is not an option.” Mac sounded every inch the alpha King of the Werewolves that he was. “Cloak me and they won’t even see me until you need me.”

  Mac’s gift of affinity with the earth enabled him to do some kickass things, but I’d had no clue he could open the ground up. Very cool and scary… and cool.

  “That there wolf is smart,” Boba Fett said. “A cloaking spell usually lasts about ten minutes, but if youse both cast at the same time, it’ll go longer.”

  “How much longer?” Zelda asked, tensely.

  “No farkin’ clue, but longer than ten minutes,” Boba said.

  Tamping down her frustration and fear with effort, Zelda nodded angrily. “Fine. Mac is part of the plan.”

  “And youse are gonna need the kangaroo, too,” Fat Bastard added.

  “Absolutely not,” I shouted and aimed my fury at a lava lamp that Zelda had missed. It blew into a thousand pieces and everyone ducked for cover. “Jeeves is a Shifter with no extra power—except in the bedroom, where he rocks it like a superstar.”

  “Your point?” Fat Bastard inquired with a smirk.

  “About what?” I asked.

  “Jeeves, the rock star.”

  “Oh right,” I said, slapping myself on the forehead to get my mind out of the gutter. “There is no way on the Goddess’s green earth that Jeeves will be any part of the shitstorm that’s brewing. He can’t defend himself against dark magic and he can’t open the freakin’ earth like Mac can. I know you asshats are pissed that I waxed your fat carcasses, but getting Jeeves killed is not going to be your payback. It’s vicious and it’s not happening.”