Fashionably Dead in Diapers Read online

  "Oookay, I have a couple of questions and one comment."

  "Go ahead."

  "Well, I always assumed Genies granted wishes. Am I wrong?"

  "Never assume. Makes an ass out of you and me. Genies are stupid and powerless unless they were born on a full moon on the thirteenth of the month of November. Oh, and I killed that asshat so good once I was able to conjure up a machete and a semi-automatic rifle with silver bullets. "

  The giggling was making me grin despite the realization that the tiny thing was an insane killer.

  "Noted. I'm having a hard time figuring out whether to call you dude or dudette. Your voice is kind of high and I don't want to insult you." Actually, I just didn't want to die by machete.

  "Dudette will suffice."

  "Great. Now, what's with the sailor mouth? I'm trying to quit swearing because my kid repeats everything I say. If we're going to be friends you'll have to curb the language." I fell to the ground as a violent migraine shot through my frontal lobe. Motherfucker, I did have a foul mouth. The Kev and Ethan were correct. I tried to stop swearing because my son or daughter was mimicking me. Why couldn't I picture more? Why did it all have to come back in disjointed pieces? This sucked donkey butt. Gradually the pain subsided and I open my eyes.

  Oh. My. Hell. I was face to face with a miniature angel that must have fallen from the Heavens. She was exquisite. Each feature was perfect. Flowing blonde locks, porcelain skin, huge lavender eyes and dimples I had the distinct desire to pinch. She couldn't have been more than three inches high and her tiny peach dress sparkled in the sun.

  "Dudette, you are really lovely," I whispered in awe as the headache receded completely.

  "What happened there, Vampyre-Demon spawn?" she asked as her tiny stunning brows wrinkled in worry.

  "I'm having a few little memory issues. Each time a piece comes back it hurts like a fucking motherfucker," I explained as I carefully sat up.

  "Hmmm…and you take issue with my mouth?" she demanded and then giggled like a loon.

  "I know," I admitted and tried to bite back my grin. "Yes, I have a potty mouth problem too. How about this? Let's just limit the word fuck to four times a day. Bastard, ass, bitch and Hell don't count because they have other meanings. You in?"

  "You know dick also means private investigator. Can we say that?"

  She was pretty and smart. "Sound good to me."

  "Back to the fucks," she said in a business-like manner. "Do we each get four or is it divided? You get two fucks and I get two fucks?"

  "We each get four fucks," I told her. She nodded her satisfaction. "However, I am reserving my right for unlimited fucks today since I have to go rescue some people and kill some others."

  "Can I come? I love killing things," she squealed with a gleam in her purple eyes that made me a little nervous.

  "Um, I'm not sure that's a good idea," I said as I got to my feet. She elevated off the ground and got right in my face. That's when I noticed her tiny pale rose-colored gossamer wings. They beat so fast it was difficult to see them. She was like a tiny gorgeous kind-of human humming bird.

  "I'll tell you my name and get you to Xanthia without you having to walk another step in those fabu boots," she bargained.

  "Um, will I still be in one piece?"

  "Yes."

  "Will I still be the same size?" I asked. There was always some small print somewhere…

  "If you want to be."

  I needed to get there quickly. Ethan was in danger and who knew if the baby Samuel and the Vampyres, Martha and Jane were even still alive. There was also The Kev to consider. This little Mini Elf seemed off her rocker, but I liked her. A gal who could use the word fuck several times in a sentence and could come up with another legal swear word was my kind of girl. She was definitely needy, but who wouldn't be after nine hundred years of solitude?

  "Here's the deal. I'm in charge. You have to do what I tell you to do. If you get in my way you have to go home. No random killing unless the fucker deserves it. Got it? Oh, and you can have a pass on the four fucks today too. I have a bad feeling it's going to get ugly and we'll need all of our vices."

  "I think I love you," the Mini Elf said as she flew excited circles around my head.

  "I'm straight."

  "Not that way, you douche knuckle," she chirped with glee. "I love you like a dog loves their owner."

  "Who's the dog?" I asked as my eyes narrowed.

  "Does it matter?" She continued flipping around my head, making me dizzy.

  "I guess not. My name is Astrid."

  "Mine is unpronounceable, but you can call me Susu."

  "Hello Susu, it's delightful to meet you. I will not put you in a bottle and my hands aren't stinky."

  "Ohhhhhh Astrid, this is so exciting. Are you going to kill The Corrine?" Her little blood- thirsty eyes grew huge.

  "Only if she tries to stop me from rescuing my posse," I told her.

  "I do so hope she gets in your way. I hate that fucking bitch." Even Susu's vitriol sounded like joyous tinkling bells.

  "Get in line," I muttered as I wondered if I was smoking crack to let Susu deliver me to Xanthia. "Why do you hate her?"

  "She's a third cousin fifty times removed on my father's side…or maybe it was my mother's side. God, when you're thousands of years old facts get a little fuzzy. I don't like them anyway, which is probably why I blocked them out. Anyhoo, The Corrine is the cow bitch-hole that had me banished, which is why I ended up trapped in a bottle with that stank ass Genie. She was jealous of my beauty. I'd really enjoy seeing her torn to bits."

  "Who do you like?" I asked, already regretting not running like Hell, when I heard her little helium voice.

  "I like you," she trilled and did so many back flips in the air I lost count.

  At this point I wasn't sure if her liking me was a good thing or a bad thing. Whatever. It was what it was. "Great. I think…How are we going to get to Xanthia?" I asked as I watched her dive bomb a tree from dizziness. "You might want to lay off the flipping," I suggested.

  "Good idea," she murmured as she rubbed her tiny head. "You're going to fly on my back."

  Now she was smoking crack. "No can do," I told her. "I'm afraid I'll crush you."

  "I knew I was right to talk to you," she screamed. "You are the first person in seven thousand years to care about my safety. We are going to be best friends and we'll go shopping and I'll do your makeup. We'll get an apartment in Paris and bag really hot guys. It will be so much fun! You're a horrible blonde, by the way. You should really go back to your natural color. I just love the Demon red streaks."

  "How do you know my natural color?" I choked out. So much was wrong and frightening with everything she'd just said—especially the mechanics of her getting it on with a full sized anything. However, the part that worried me most was the way she'd clearly seen through my disguise.

  "I'm a Mini Elf. Nothing visual is hidden from me," she explained. "Your true body and face are almost as lovely as mine. Almost." She turned two flips, gasped and stopped herself midair. "Trees hurt."

  "I'll bet. Can a Fairy see through my disguise?"

  "Oh Heavens no." She giggled and rolled her eyes. "They're stupid like the Genies."

  "Good to know." I imagined The Kev would take offense, but I was keeping my lips sealed for the moment. "So I won't hurt you if I fly on your back?"

  "Nope, but you can fly on your own."

  "I can?"

  "That memory loss is really fucking with your skills, Astrid," she said.

  "You're telling me. Can you make yourself invisible?" I asked. It wouldn't really do to announce our arrival by openly flying into enemy territory.

  "Anything you can do, I can do better," she sang and I rolled my eyes.

  "We'll see about that," I closed my eyes and pulled magic from somewhere deep inside myself. Slowly and surely I elevated off the ground. "Oh my Hell, you were right. I can fly."

  Susu gave me her own eye roll and tittered li
ke an asylum inmate. "I already told you, I never lie. I'm beautiful and trustworthy."

  Awesome. I was flying into Xanthia with a narcissistic whack job of a Mini Elf. Could this day get any weirder? My guess was yes.

  "Would you like to brief me on who we're looking for?" she asked. "It might be helpful so I don't kill the wrong person."

  "Good point. A baby named Samuel and two very sexy and violent Vampyres named Martha and Jane," I told her.

  "Martha and Jane are not sexy names," she cut in and wrinkled her tiny adorable nose.

  "I agree, but that's what I've heard."

  "You don't know what these people look like?" She slapped her tiny hands on her curvy little hips and blew out a disgusted sigh.

  "Listen, little missy, I don't need your shit right now. We are also rescuing a hotter than Hell Vampyre named Ethan who is disguised as Jon Bon Jovi, but I suppose you'll be able to see his true form. He's blond with golden eyes and a drool-worthy body. His ass could stop traffic. He has full kissable lips and cheekbones that could cut glass."

  "Is he taken?" she asked with a dreamy look in her eyes.

  "Yes, he is so don't get any ideas or I'll squish your tiny Mini Elf ass," I snapped.

  "Sorry," she said quickly. "I didn't realize he was yours."

  "He's not." I shook my head and ran my hands through my hair. "He's not, but he has a mate and he loves her."

  "Got it." She smiled knowingly and I wanted to slap her.

  Yes, I wanted him. No, I couldn't have him, but I was not offering him up to anyone else. Ever.

  "Is there anyone else I should avoid destroying?" she inquired sweetly.

  "The Kev," I told her. "He's a…"

  "I love The Kev," she squeaked so loudly I slapped my hands over my ears. "He's the kindest, strongest and hottest Fairy of them all. YAYAYAYAYAYAY. I can't wait to see him again."

  "He's taken."

  "He is?" she asked dejectedly.

  "Yep, his mate is my BFF—the true Fairy Queen."

  Her eyes lit up like a Christmas tree and she turned six flips, narrowly missing a boulder. "She's been born? This is wonderful. No wonder I got sucked back into this realm. I am her Guardian Angel. I didn't know she'd been reincarnated yet. Fucking Hell, The Corrine must be livid."

  "You could say that. She tried to kill Gemma but failed, so she took the baby Samuel thinking it was Gemma's. She was going to trade Gemma's life for the child's."

  "What a fucking stinkass whore bitch dickwad move," Susu huffed indignantly. "Wait. Is the baby Gemma's?"

  "No, the baby belongs to Ethan and his mate."

  "Why isn't his mate here to save her child?" Susu asked as she raised her perfectly plucked eyebrows in surprise.

  "Well, I think she's human," I explained and shrugged. That statement felt very wrong…I suppose my jealousy of Ethan's mate was coloring my logic.

  "Is that all?"

  "Well, there are a few Fairies that might or might not be allies to The Kev."

  "Names?"

  "The Henry, The Reggie, The Bob and The Gus," I said.

  "Asshole, Wimp, Sissy and Prissy." She grinned and did a floating toe touch.

  "You pretty much nailed it. I'm not sure which ones we should kill, if any. But I don't trust them and neither should you."

  "Affirmative. You ready?"

  Was I ready? No, I wasn't. Did that matter? No, it didn't. I was working on three quarters of a brain and I had paired up with a psychotic Mini Elf named Susu. This was probably a clusterfuck waiting to happen, but that wouldn't stop me. Apparently I was difficult to kill and Susu was probably the same if she'd lasted seven thousand years. The need to save Ethan's baby was almost painful. I had no clue why, other than I was attracted to the father, but I knew I would succeed. I had to.

  "I'm as ready as I'll ever be," I told my tiny new friend. Gemma was going to have a Hell of a time if Susu really was her Guardian Angel. I giggled at the fact that Gemma's Angel was more profane than my Guardian Angel, Pam…Fuck. My legs buckled and I hit the ground with a cramp in my stomach the size of a watermelon.

  "Another memory?" Susu inquired with concern as she gently stroked my face.

  "Yep."

  "Here's a thought," she offered. "While we're flying don't think—at all. It would suck ass if you fell out of the air and died."

  "I'll keep that in mind. Let's go before I change my mind."

  "About going?"

  "Nope. About taking you with me," I said as I began to levitate. She quickly flew to me and barnacled herself to my side. Weird was my new normal.

  Fucking awesome.

  Chapter 14

  When in large crowds, make sure you hold tight to your child's hand. Losing a child in an amusement park is terrifying. If you're truly paranoid a parent could consider putting a chip in their child. If you do this don't discuss it at dinner parties. People will think you are weird.

  Xanthia was utter chaos. Huge lit neon billboards announcing the American Idol competition were everywhere. Susu had conjured up a hooded robe for me to wear. They were all the rage in Xanthia. I was slightly alarmed that mine was covered in bright blue sequins, but she insisted I would fit in perfectly and avoid the hysteria I would cause if the Fairies thought Pink had blown into town. She was correct. I walked undetected through the streets of the amusement park. There was an overlaying menace about the city and I pulled my cloak closer to my body.

  Gemma was going to shit her pants if she had to live here. It was loud and dirty. The Fairies were like freakin' carnies selling everything from fake Gucci handbags to lime green cotton candy. Not to mention we'd just walked by a duel that ended in death—an ugly bloody death.

  "This place is gross and creepy," I muttered to Susu, who sat on my shoulder, hidden by my hood.

  "It wasn't always like this. It used to be beautiful and magical," she whispered. "That hoochie mamma shit-for-brains, The Corrine, runs it with an iron fist. No one has a voice here. Now the Fairies just try to get by any way they can."

  "Are they all Dark?"

  "The delineation is unclear anymore. Thousands of the true Light have been imprisoned or banished, but these Fairies on the street? I'd call them Gray—not Light, not Dark. However, her army and inner circle are so Dark their souls are black."

  So much for thinking this might be easy. "How long has she ruled?"

  "Since she set up The Dave and had him beaten and arrested for treason—about five hundred years," she replied.

  "Was The Dave a true King?" I asked. Good God, was he going to be pissed about Gemma too?

  "No, the Fairies are a matriarchal society. They have no Kings. The Dave was basically a placeholder while the Fairies waited for the reincarnation of the True Queen. He's a great guy—kind and fair…and hot."

  "Everyone is hot here." I rolled my eyes and continued my questioning. "What happened to the last True Queen?"

  "The Corrine happened to the last Queen. She poisoned her and tore her to shreds. Who, if you want to be technical, was your BFF in a past life."

  Too much to absorb…I needed to stick with the present facts. I could mull over the past later.

  "Do the Fairies worship The Corrine?" I asked as I watched a beautiful female Fairy with sad eyes and a desperate look about her trying to hawk her wares. We made eye contact and she gave me a look so vicious I blanched. They may be pretty, but I would not discount how deadly they could be.

  "Worship?" Susu sneered. "Maybe some in her inner circle, but most simply fear her."

  "Why are they dressed so well if they have nothing?" I marveled at the ornate robes and kick-ass outfits.

  "The Corrine is vain. She wants her people to appear beautiful on the outside, even though she has destroyed their insides."

  As we meandered through the streets I was greatly relieved that I knew exactly where I was and where I was going. The more I walked around observing, the more I just wanted to leave. The Magic Mystery Castle was up the hill past the Tilt-a-Whirl and the
Flying Scooters on the left. Martha and Jane were somewhere in that castle. I wished I had been given blueprints…I'd just have to go with my gut—or maybe not.

  "Do you know your way around the Magic Mystery Castle and the Grand Fun Palace?" I asked my Mini Elf.

  "Of course I do," she huffed. "I have a memory like a steel trap…unlike some other people we know."

  "Do you want me to squish you or send you home?" I threatened.

  "Um, no."