Cop a Feel Read online

  “Oh come on,” Shoshanna said, giving him a hug. “You have to do the pageant. It will reflect badly on me if my son doesn’t support his mother. You can keep your hairy balls, but you have to do the pageant. Please?”

  “Fine,” he huffed, “but I will not twerk, whatever the hell that is. And since I am going to do something that I will never be able to live down in this century, you will do everything I tell you to do this week. No questions asked. Deal?”

  “Deal. But you know, twerking isn’t hard. I’ll pull up a video in the room.”

  It was going to be an interesting week.

  Chapter 19

  “So they did what?” I asked Steve, holding my cell phone away from my ear due to the fact he was screaming.

  “They made twenty copies of all the notes, pinned them up all over my office, and shot at them,” he bellowed.

  “They opened fire in your office?” I was shocked and actually surprised. “What did they hope to accomplish by that?”

  “I have no fucking idea, but the local cops showed up and cleared the building. Those insane dykes hid in the air vents and are still in the goddamned building,” he grumbled.

  “Do you think they just wanted some privacy?” I asked.

  “They could have just asked,” he shouted. “This was the stupidest fucking idea I’ve ever had. They are complete menaces.”

  Luke sat across the room and listened to our conversation. He could have been in the other room and heard it, Steve was so loud.

  “If they don’t figure this out, I will have them wiped off of every known roster that exists and then I’ll kill them.”

  “Can you do that?” I asked.

  “What, kill them?”

  “No. Wipe their identity off the face of the earth.”

  “Of course I can,” he huffed. “And if they keep this shit up, I will.”

  Damn, I didn’t know Steve had that much power, but Luke apparently did. He sat quietly and didn’t move. Was that what had happened to him? That was awful.

  “Before the firestorm, had they found anything?”

  “Yeah,” Steve said, calming down. “Something about the order of the notes is important. They were onto something and then they opened fire and shut the fucking building down.”

  “What are you going to do?” I asked. My eyes were drawn across the room to Luke, who had eased his leather pants down and was sitting with his dick in the wind. I gasped and laughed. What the hell was he doing and where was Shoshanna? I vaguely heard the shower running as Steve described in great detail what he’d like to do to the sisters, but I couldn’t focus on anything except the happy camper that Luke had released from his pants.

  “I think you owe me something,” he said softly.

  “What’s that?” Steve yelled over the phone.

  “Nothing. I just have to get ready to go. Call you later.”

  I hung up on my boss and raised an eyebrow at Duke LeHump.

  “Come here, Candy,” he said in a voice that brooked no bullshit, and I almost fainted. My nipples hardened and a dance started in my lower abdomen. How did the man do this to me?

  “We might get caught,” I said as I crossed the room and got down on my knees.

  “Isn’t that half the fun?”

  “You think having your mother catch me going down on you would be fun?” I teased.

  “Look, I never went to normal high school or had a normal date or made out in the backseat of a car when I was a teenager . . . the least you could do is suck my dick while my mom is in the shower.”

  “Oh my God.” I burst out laughing. I knew part of what he’d said was serious and it made my heart hurt, but the fact he was now referring to Shoshanna as his mom was hilarious. “I suppose I could help you out.”

  I leaned in and took him in my hand. He was hard and smooth and perfect. I ran my tongue around the head of his cock and licked the small drop of pre-cum. He was salty and delicious. His head dropped back on the chair and he moaned his approval. His hands death-gripped the arms of the chair as I slid him into my mouth. His hips began an involuntary pumping motion as I took him deeper in my throat. God, I adored this man and I loved what I could do to him. His strong hands wrapped themselves into my hair, guiding me to his needs. Picking up my pace and realizing I would need to change my panties, I went to town using my hands, my tongue, and my lips.

  “Jesus, Candace,” he hissed. “You are killing me. Faster, baby. God yeah, just like that.”

  “So guys, you ready? I just need to pee and then we can sneak down to my panel,” Shoshanna bellowed from the bathroom. I almost choked on Luke’s dick . . .

  I quickly disengaged as he yanked up his pants. I ran across the room and sat nonchalantly on the bed.

  “Lipstick,” he told me frantically.

  “What?” I whispered loudly.

  “Fix your lipstick. It’s all over your chin.”

  “Shit.” I grabbed a tissue from the box by the bed and scrubbed. “Better?”

  “Yes, but my hairy balls are killing me. I’m not sure I can walk.”

  “Well Mr. I Want to Get Caught by My Mom, you’re going to have to.”

  “If I pulled down my pants right now, they’d be blue,” he groaned.

  “What’s blue?” Shoshanna asked as she made her entrance. Holy shit, and what an entrance it was. She was decked from head to toe in purple leather with Minnesota Vikings decals placed strategically over her body. Her leather was nowhere as skintight as mine—thank God, but it was fitted and alarming.

  “Nothing is blue,” I told her.

  “Right,” Luke muttered under his breath.

  “That’s an outfit,” I said, hoping I sounded complimentary.

  “Thanks,” she preened. “It’s new. I normally just wear my sweats, but I figured since I was making you two lovebirds dress up, I should too.”

  “What do you mean by lovebirds?” I demanded, wondering if I hadn’t got all the stray lipstick off.

  “Nothing.” She grinned and waggled her eyebrows. “Come on, kids. I have a nipple clamp demonstration to do.”

  We’d apparently been busted after all . . .

  We made it to the conference room without incident. Luke was walking slightly bent over, but that was his own damn fault. The minute we hit the room, the entire audience of at least two hundred raised their hands in the air. Word had clearly traveled fast.

  “Hello, my Street Walkers,” Shoshanna greeted her fans. Her legions of fans had named themselves Shoshanna’s Street Walkers and they were an obsessed and rabid group. They had online chat rooms and LeHump clubs all over the country. Shoshanna often visited and lunched with her fans. She adored them as much as they adored her.

  The crowd chanted her name as she took her place at the front of the room. Grinning, she sat on the table, kicking her little legs back and forth and waiting for the din to die down.

  “I am delighted to be here and I can’t believe how many of you came.”

  “We love you!” someone shouted from the back of the room.

  “I love you too,” she yelled back . . . and the room went nuts. I glanced over at Luke and he shrugged. She had rock star status here. It was amazing.

  “Okay, calm down.” She laughed. “The panel today was supposed to be about fetish wear, but I thought a demonstration of how to correctly use nipple clamps might be fun.” The Street Walkers chattered excitedly.

  “Now, I want you to remember that trust and a partner you can communicate with is imperative. What else are you supposed to have?” she asked her minions.

  “A safe word,” a gal in the front said.

  “That’s right, and what else?”

  “After care?” a timid man on the side said.

  “Absolutely,” Shoshanna said, giving him a thumbs-up. “But you also need education, and I can’t stress enough that you need to communicate. Everything that you do must be safe and consensual. Always.”

  “Do you live the lifestyle, Shoshanna?”<
br />
  “Nope, but I’ve studied it and taken classes with some outstanding Doms. Of course, when my Herm was alive, we did like a little spanky-spanky and a little tie me up action, but it was mild compared to what some others enjoy.”

  “Are Haven and Michael going to have their baby?” someone called out.

  Haven and Michael? Who in the hell were they?

  “I don’t want to spoil anything, but . . . YES,” she shouted excitedly. “And Donna and Bruce are going to have a huge misunderstanding and JoJo will play a large part in that little issue.”

  “Oh my God,” exclaimed a woman with a multicolored Mohawk. “I don’t think JoJo is a good influence. How can you do that to Donna and Bruce? Haven’t they been through enough already?” she demanded, pissed off. Luke stepped toward Shoshanna and she shooed him away.

  Good Lord, they were talking about fictional characters. I thought they were discussing real people . . . wait, they were real people to them. Shoshanna was such a gifted writer that she gave her characters life and all these people were emotionally invested in her creations.

  “It’s okay, Duke. Rose, here, is right,” she said, referring to the Mohawked fan. “Rose, you have to understand that Bruce and Donna are damaged, and to give them an easy happily-ever-after isn’t realistic and isn’t fair to them or you. They’ll have to work for it and their journey will be fraught with misunderstanding and heartache. Nothing worth it is easy. Hell, Herm was dating my sister when we met, and let me tell you, that was a clusterfuck.”

  “What happened?” I asked, unable to stop myself.

  “Well—” Shoshanna smiled ruefully. “I knew my sister wasn’t crazy about him, so I challenged her to a game of poker for him. I kicked her ass, she handed him over, and the rest is history. Okay, who wants their nipples clamped?”

  We had no clue who was raising their hands, because all their hands were already raised. Shit. And then it got ugly . . .

  The chant started in the back and got louder as more of the Street Walkers caught on . . .

  “Duke LeHump. Duke LeHump. Duke LeHump.”

  “Absolutely not.” Luke shook his head and stared out at the audience angrily. That did shut a few up in the front. Luke’s mean look was scary.

  “Pleeeeeeeaaaaaasssssseeeeeee?” Shoshanna begged him with a sweet little grin on her face—and Luke caved. I think she actually had power over him. The fact that she was insisting on becoming his mother must mean a hell of a lot more than he was letting on.

  The next thirty minutes were horrific. It was clearly demonstrated to me that never in my life would I let anyone put pinchers decorated with pink feathers on my nipples. Luke was a good sport, but he left the room with not only blue balls . . . he also had red nipples.

  “Come on, guys,” Shoshanna said to Luke when it was over. “You have a pageant rehearsal in ten minutes.”

  Luke froze and I swear he was going to cry. I stepped up behind him and palmed his asstastic butt.

  “I’ll finish what we started earlier to make up for all this,” I promised.

  “Blow job and you ride me like a cowboy while you wear the corset and those fuck-me shoes,” he bargained.

  I paused and considered even though I knew my answer was a resounding yes . . . “I think that works for me,” I purred. “But we wait for Shoshanna to go to sleep and we do it across the hall in your room.”

  “Did you set up monitors in her room?” he asked.

  “As soon as we got here. You saw me do it.” Holy shit, that’s how Shoshanna knew we were fooling around . . . all she had to do was glance over at my TV, which I had left on, and she could watch the Luke and Candy Porno Hour.

  Luke was struck by the look of horror on my face. “Oh hell, she did see us.”

  “Beware of what you wish for, my friend. Beware.” I copped another quick feel of his butt and shoved him out the door, and the three of us went to the first pageant rehearsal . . . from hell.

  Chapter 20

  Moving quickly through the bowels of the hotel, we made it to the rehearsal without incident. The conference room was enormous, and a stage with a runway that extended out into the audience had been built. A giant glittering silver disco ball hung from the ceiling and wildly colored balloons littered the floor and the stage.

  “Don’t you love the condoms?” Shoshanna squealed with joy. “I just adore the promotion of safe sex.”

  “What condoms?” I asked searching the room. Thankfully, it was a small group. It should be easier to keep her safe in here.

  “What do you mean what condoms? They’re fucking everywhere.” She picked up what I’d thought was a balloon and handed it to me. “Lick it. It’s flavored.”

  “No. I’m good,” I said, quickly dropping the inflated birth control to the floor.

  “You have got to be kidding me,” Luke groaned as he took in the room. “I’m a cold-blooded killer not a twerk-happy romance cover model.”

  “I thought you didn’t know what twerking was,” I said, stepping over the condoms as we made our way to the front of the room.

  “I don’t, but it seems to be the in thing and I certainly want to fit in,” he snapped sarcastically.

  “It will be fine, son,” Shoshanna consoled him as she hustled on ahead of us.

  “Why does she do that?” He shook his head, disgusted with himself. “It’s like Catholic guilt. She says something mamma-like and I do whatever she wants.”

  “Well, I’m Lutheran so the guilt thingie is a little foreign to me, but she is a brilliant professor and clearly has manipulation down pat.” I glanced at him. He was lost in thought, halfway pissed off and halfway amused. Some part of him wanted Shoshanna to be his mother and the thought of disappointing her was bugging the shit out of him. He was as unused as I was to needing other people.

  A large gal somewhere in her forties cleared her throat. She had pink hair and was covered in tats and wearing a business suit and high tops. “All right, boys. My name is Medusa Schmadden and I’m the pageant coordinator. Everyone strip down to your underpants and let’s begin.”

  Luke turned white and I thought he was going to faint. “I’m not wearing underpants,” he practically whimpered. Medusa’s eyes narrowed and she stomped over to Luke.

  “What’s your name?” she demanded.

  “Um . . . Duke LeHump.”

  “The contest contract you signed specifically stated that you would wear underpants to all rehearsals. I don’t know how much clearer I have to be. Leave your pants on for today, but I expect to see you in your underpants tomorrow or you can do the rehearsal in the buff. Do you understand?”

  “Yes,” Luke said with murder shining from his eyes.

  Medusa took a shocked step back, turned on her high top, and marched away.

  “Hey, Duke-man, she’s a total cow-bitch. Don’t listen to her. She hasn’t been laid in twenty years,” the gorgeous hunk named Jim told a furious Luke. “Just ignore her. I do. It pisses her off and she starts to pull her hair out. Last year we were so successful she was partially bald on the right side of her head by the end of the week.”

  “Do you do these a lot?” I asked Jim. Luke moved quickly and placed his arm around my shoulders, staking his territory. I shot him an annoyed glance. He may as well have peed on me.

  “A couple of times a year,” he admitted sheepishly. “It’s good money on the side. I also do about thirty or forty covers a year.”

  “What’s your regular job?” I liked this guy. He was sweet and funny. My gay-dar was a little confused. I couldn’t peg him.

  “Can you keep a secret?” He grinned and leaned in. Luke pulled me closer and I had to stifle a laugh.

  “Yes. I’m very good at that.” I elbowed Luke. He grunted and backed off.

  “I’m a writer. I write espionage and adventure mysteries. I’m a wannabe Clive Cussler.” He shrugged his massive shoulders and winked.

  “That’s awesome. Are you published?” I asked as Luke huffed and puffed beside me.<
br />
  “No, not yet,” he admitted, “but I have a great agent and my manuscript is at several of the big publishers as we speak.”

  “Congratulations,” I said. “How is it that you end up doing this?”

  “Well, I was going to conventions as a writer to learn, and an agent suggested I try out the cover dude thing while I wrote so I didn’t have to have a day job. I did and it worked and here I am.”

  “Jesus Christ in a bikini,” Shoshanna yelled, scaring the hell out of poor pretty Jim. “I love that fucking story. Who’s looking at your manuscript right now? Maybe I can give them a call and help that motherfucker along.”

  “Oh my God,” Jim whispered, looking pale beneath his tan. “You would do that? Without reading it?”

  “Hell yeah,” she grunted, and slapped his ass. “Anyone who would march around in his underpants to have the time to write is a serious writer.”

  “I think I love you,” he said, trapping her in a bear hug. I almost pulled my gun, but realized Jim was practically naked and couldn’t be hiding a weapon anywhere. “I have it on my laptop. I’d feel better if you read a couple of chapters before you endorsed me.”

  “Outstanding!” Shoshanna shouted. “Pull it out, baby, and let me see it.”

  “There will be none of that,” Medusa shrieked, misunderstanding Shoshanna’s directive. “I don’t care if you are Shoshanna LeHump. I’m the only one who tells these boys what to do.”

  “Relax your crack, Medusa. I’m talking about his book, not his dick. You should get your pea-fucking brain out of the gutter and do your job. And by the way, if you get in my son’s face one more time, I will make sure you never work in this industry again. Are we clear?” Shoshanna put her little hands on her little purple hips and waited.

  “I’m sorry,” Medusa grumbled somewhat contritely. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

  “You do that.” Shoshanna was a momma bear when it came to her boy. I snuck a peek at Luke, whose expression was somewhere between shock and pride. He was so totally going to be adopted.

  While Shoshanna and Jim huddled together and read his chapters, we got barraged by the rest of the competition.