Were We Belong Read online

Why did I ask? When would I learn to leave well enough alone? Never. That’s when.

  “So as I said,” Bob Herm continued. “We do nothing. They will perish the very same way they murdered their own. Poetic, I think. Don’t you?”

  I couldn’t speak, so I gave them a small curt nod instead.

  “Have a lovely evening,” Bob Harold called out as they exited the building.

  “And I thought I was evil,” Zeernebooch muttered.

  “You are, Weiner Hooch,” Granny told him.

  “Thank you,” he replied.

  “Welcome.”

  “So are we out of here?” Dwayne asked.

  “Sure, go home,” I told him. “I’m gonna wait for Birdie and Chicken to get back.”

  “We’ll see you in a few days,” Hank said. “Everybody get out of here.”

  “Sooooo, Bobbie Sue, how am I doing in the points department?” Zeernebooch inquired as he put his arm out for Granny to take it.

  “I’d say as long as your springin’ for an expensive dinner, your odds are pretty damned good for gettin’ boned tonight.”

  “EXCELLENT!” Zeernebooch shouted.

  And then in the blink of an eye, the best day ever turned into the very worst day of my life.

  I should have known. Nothing was ever that easy.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Chicken blasted through the sidewall of the warehouse like a bomb. Enormous steel girders fell from the ceiling and the entire building swayed ominously. Plaster and metal flew as did every single person in the room.

  Pulling a long sharp piece of metal from my thigh, I struggled to stand and make sure everyone had survived the blast.

  “Roll call,” I shouted, waving my hands to clear the dust storm that made the warehouse seem like a tornado had ripped through it.

  “Chicken. Shift back. NOW,” Hank bellowed as he pulled heavy steel off of my parents and Reginald. “NOW.”

  With a loud pop of orange magic, Chicken shifted back to human form.

  “Roll call,” I yelled again. “Need to know if everyone is okay.”

  “Reginald and your dad are okay. I’m not too bad either,” my mom said with a pained chuckle as Hank checked her over for injury.

  “I’m good,” Granny choked out. “Zeernebooch is buried here though.

  “I’m fine,” he grunted in a muffled voice as he dug himself out.

  “I’m good,” Dwayne shouted. “If you can call a one-armed Vampyre good. How am I supposed to get married with one damned arm? It will completely ruin the line of the dress.”

  “It’ll grow back in ten minutes,” I told him with a small giggle that was in direct contrast to everything around us. Leave it to Dwayne’s vanity to bring a little levity to a deadly explosion.

  “I suppose you’re right,” he said, staring with dismay where his arm used to be. “It’s just that I’ve had that arm for a hundred and fifty years.”

  “I’m okay,” Belphegor said, helping a shaken Dwayne to his feet. “Didn’t see that one coming.”

  “Chicken. Speak,” Dwayne said, holding the Pigeon still with inhuman effort.

  Chicken’s eyes were wild and he kept glancing behind him. “Birdie already found the bitch. On their way.”

  “Here?” I asked, digging through the rubble to help my mom and dad find the bags they’d brought. They were similar to the bag Reginald had and I was fairly sure we were going to need the items inside.

  “When?” Reginald asked tersely. “How far out?”

  “Minutes—maybe five—ten at the most,” Chicken gasped. “I intercepted them and then turned around and flew back to warn you. It’s not good.”

  “Why?” Hank ground out.

  “The Demon you called on is pissed. Blowing black fire—very bad. Obizuth knows about her,” he said, dropping to his knees in exhaustion. “Get Bobbie Sue out. Please.”

  “Granny, GO,” I shouted in a panic. “Fly your scrawny ass out of here.”

  “How in the hell could she know?” Granny growled. “Don’t make sense.”

  “Chipped. The boy was chipped with a device during some kind of gay-con—or that’s what I think I heard. Obizuth knows everything,” Chicken explained, looking around the warehouse in mortification. “Sorry about the landing, friends. Didn’t mean to hurt anyone.”

  “We’re fine,” Zeernebooch snapped as he grabbed his son and began to chant over him.

  Glistening black magic joined the dust and debris floating in the air. Belphegor immediately repeated his father’s demonic chant. The sound of their two voices in tandem was macabre, beautiful and frightening.

  “Back up,” Reginald warned. “Give them room.”

  He didn’t have to ask twice.

  The chanting became frantic. Father and son held intense eye contact. It was bizarrely loving, but I was certainly glad I wasn’t a Demon. Weres didn’t love quite as violently. Zeernebooch growled a spell that caused the floor underneath us to shake. Belphegor screeched in a deafening pitch and jerked forward like a rag doll in agony. Zeernebooch placed his clawed hand on his son’s shoulder and ripped through his skin like it was paper. Blood spurted everywhere. Belphegor gritted his teeth and took it.

  Mentally, I took back every time I’d called Belphegor a weenie. He was not a weenie—at all.

  Dwayne’s scream of fury was only muffled by the fact that Granny and I tackled his ass to the ground before he could attack Zeernebooch. “Down, boy,” Granny hissed in his ear as he fought us like an animal. “Has to be done.”

  “Found it,” Zeernebooch said as he ground the homing chip to dust between his claws and gently held his bleeding son in his arms. “Reginald is correct. Bobbie Sue must leave.”

  “Nope. Not leaving you,” Granny said. “If we’re gonna poke together, we’re gonna fight together.”

  “As much as that warms my black heart and makes my Roger quite jolly, you have to go, woman,” Zeernebooch commanded, sounding every bit a Demon. “Belphegor and Dwayne will go with you. If the bitch has been listening in, she will eat both my boy and his boyfriend as well.”

  “She’s a sick motherhumper,” I muttered, pushing Granny towards the door.

  “Correct,” Zeernebooch snarled. “She clearly already knows that her conversion therapy didn’t take on the boy.”

  “Pappy, I’m gay. It’s who I am. I was born this way.”

  Zeernebooch rolled his eyes. “I know that. You know that. The hell-hag doesn’t. You were born gay and I was born with a tremendous schlong. Facts are facts. Conversion will not change your sexual preference or the size of my rod. You should be as proud that you like dick as I am of my dick size.”

  For the briefest of moments, I forgot we were in danger of dying. Zeernebooch had one hell of a gift.

  “Go, Mom,” my mother told Granny. “We’ve got this.”

  “Can’t Zeernebooch kill her?” I asked, growing uneasy that my parents were going to be the front line of defense.

  “Demons can’t destroy other Demons,” Reginald said as he pulled salt, candles and crystals from his bag. “It’s why Demon Hunters were created.”

  “Dude, have you been cruising the internet?” I asked, unable to believe the crap he was yanking out of his bag. “That shit doesn’t work.”

  With a quick and expert eye roll, Reginald kept working. “These are the tools to banish a Demon—not summon one.”

  “Are you fucking serious?” Zeernebooch asked in surprise. “How did I not know this?”

  “You’re far too obsessed with your pecker to notice much,” Reginald said as he gestured to my parents.

  “That might be true,” Zeernebooch surmised thoughtfully. “Are you going to sacrifice something or someone?”

  “No,” Reginald said flatly. “That’s unnecessary. However, if you’d like to volunteer, I’d be more than happy to sacrifice you.”

  “Umm… no. I’m good,” Zeernebooch replied, backing away. “However, it’s time for Bobbie Sue, Belphegor and Dwayne to lea
ve.”

  “Say please, Weiner Hooch,” Granny called over her shoulder as she slowly meandered across the warehouse.

  At the pace she was walking, it was like she had no intention of leaving at all. If she wasn’t out of here in one minute, I was going to kick her Scrabble lovin’ ass.

  “Please,” Zeernebooch said, blowing a kiss to his love. “Please.”

  But it was too late.

  Time was up.

  Obizuth had arrived and the inevitable shit show hit the proverbial fan.

  The explosion of her arrival could probably be seen for miles. Thankfully the warehouse was located in a fairly deserted area on the outskirts of Chicago. But with this shit show, we could end up being revealed even without the help of Giles Giles and the Tinas.

  “What an unpleasant and fortuitous surprise,” Obizuth hissed like a poisonous snake as she landed in a ring of black fire and tossed Birdie across the room with a flick of her finger. “Who knew that providing Devil’s Lettuce to some imbeciles would lead to such a delightful reunion?”

  She was stunningly beautiful on the outside, but her insides were rotten. Her golden eyes and dark hair matched that of Zeernebooch and Belphegor, but her attitude and demeanor were straight from the bowels of Hell.

  “This was a mistake,” Zeernebooch growled. “You may leave. You are not wanted here, Demon.”

  “There are no mistakes, lover,” she said, scanning the room with her glowing demonic eyes. “Everything happens for a reason.”

  “There’s never a reason to kill newborn children,” I snapped before I knew I’d spoken. Oh well, couldn’t take it back now.

  Her head whipped to me so fast I felt slightly dizzy. I stood my ground and glared at her. She was freakin’ terrifying, but for some completely insane reason I wanted a go at her.

  “It’s fun,” she purred, looking me up and down and baring her sharp fangs. “What’s your name, pretty little thing?”

  The dark magic inside me roared to the surface. Right now I was very happy that violent Vampyre blood raced through my veins. I tamped the power down with an effort I didn’t know I was capable of. If I could do that with my power, what else could I do? Seemed I was about to find out. Seeing Granny almost die once was enough for me. I wasn’t going to see it again—at least, not today.

  “My name is Bobbie Sue,” I said, lifting my middle finger to the hag and hoping like hell that my parents and Reginald were indeed skilled Demon Hunters.

  “Fuuuuuck,” I heard Hank swear as he quickly appeared at my side. “Are you out of your mind?”

  “Debatable,” I said, keeping my eyes glued to Obizuth.

  “Actually, my name is Bobbie Sue,” Dwayne said, shoving Granny into a corner and joining Hank and me.

  “Guys, quit fooling around,” my mom said with a light laugh. “My name is Bobbie Sue.”

  Her hands were deep in the pockets of her jacket. Her voice may have sounded carefree, but her eyes told an entirely different story. My mom was a freakin’ badass.

  “Do I know you?” she demanded of my mother, staring at her askance. “You look somewhat familiar to me.”

  “Can’t say we’ve been formally introduced,” my mom shot back without an ounce of fear in her tone. “It’s quite the displeasure to meet you this evening.”

  Narrowing her eyes, Obizuth shrugged and laughed. “No worries. I’m hungry. If all of you claim to be this Bobbie Sue whore-slut then so be it. I’ll eat all of you.”

  “None of them are Bobbie Sue,” Birdie said, stepping out in front of all us. “I’m Bobbie Sue. You will deal with me.”

  And that about said it all. We were all insane and all willing to die for each other. I loved every person in this room except for the vicious hell-hag in the center of the fire ring.

  “Hang on a second,” Granny shouted as she marched out of her corner and right up to the edge of the fire surrounding Obizuth. “What in the ever-lovin’ hell did you just call me, you glowing hussy?”

  Obizuth’s nightmare-inducing cackle bounced through the warehouse and she pointed a razor-sharp claw at Granny. “And the real Bobbie Sue finally stands up. To answer your question, I called you a whore and a slut.”

  “Well, now,” Granny began with a wide smile. “That’s just rude, you ho. I’m a lot of things—a stripper,” she said with a little shimmy. “A pole dancer,” she added grabbing on to a steel girder that had impaled itself into the floor and busted out an impressive move. “A knitter,” she continued with a gleam in her eye as she pulled out two long purple knitting needles from her big purse. “And a grandma, but I ain’t no whore, and I ain’t no slut.”

  My mother gasped quietly and shot a covert look of alarm at both my dad and Reginald. They were positively flabbergasted. What the heck was happening?

  “Is that so?” Obizuth inquired smacking her lips together hungrily. “You’ve bewitched what is mine. You will die for that. Can’t have anyone enjoying my sloppy seconds.”

  “You will leave now, Mother,” Belphegor snarled as he pulled Bobbie Sue back from the edge of the crackling black fire. “You are not wanted here.”

  “And you were never wanted at all,” she said coldly.

  “Actually,” Zeernebooch said, pushing Granny back even farther as he took his place next to his son. “Belphegor was and is very wanted—by me and his very odd husband-to-be, Dwayne. The way my son was produced was vile and vomit-inducing, but this boy is my pride and joy.”

  “Hundred points for that one, jackhole,” Granny said with a delighted laugh.

  “I’ll take them,” he replied with a grin.

  “You’ll take nothing,” Obizuth screamed as black fire spewed from her eyes and mouth. “You’ve already taken from me and then you left me.”

  “You kill babies,” Zeernebooch roared back.

  “So?” she countered. “You steal.”

  “Umm… there’s a big damn difference,” I pointed out, only to be yanked back against Hank’s chest.

  “Shhhh,” he hissed. “I need you alive. Can’t live without you.”

  “If you leave now, you will be spared,” Belphegor said, not sounding girly at all. He was all Demon.

  “You’re a faggot,” she spat in disgust. “You sicken me.”

  “Right back at you, egg donor,” Belphegor said with a laugh. “And the term is homosexual. Faggot is not PC, it’s very old school and repulsive—like you.”

  “You can’t talk to me like that. I’m your mother,” she screamed. “I will eat you as well, you worthless piece of shit. I should have killed you the day you were born.”

  “Why didn’t you, mother?” he asked, truly curious.

  With a wild glance to Zeernebooch, she growled low in her throat. It was really freakin’ scary. “Your father loved you. I thought he would stay.”

  “You thought wrong,” Belphegor said. “You are not lovable.”

  “I’m done,” she snapped. “And so are you.”

  With a scream that would live in my nightmares for the rest of my life, Obizuth lunged at Belphegor. Her mouth had grown obscenely in size and her teeth elongated. She was a horror show come to life. As Belphegor fought her off, out of the corner of my eye I saw Reginald pour a thick circle of salt around the fire ring. With speed that almost rendered her invisible, my mom lit at least twenty-five white candles. My dad, not to be left out, dove over the ring and quickly drew symbols that were foreign to me—yet weirdly familiar. I was pretty sure he was using his own blood, but with the battle raging, I couldn’t be sure.

  “We’re getting married, you skank. You better not hurt my man,” Dwayne bellowed as explosions of silver popped in the air around him. His eyes went blood red and his fangs were crazier than I’d ever seen them. He dove into the fray without a second thought.

  “Get back,” Granny hissed at Hank and me. “I need a clear shot.”

  “What the HELL are you doing, old woman?” I demanded, grabbing her by the arm.

  “I’m gonna send th
e bee-otch back to Hell,” she said, trying to pull away.

  “Leave it to the Demon Hunters,” I snapped as my panic began to rise.

  Granny was wildly overconfident. I wasn’t going to let her go rogue today… or ever. She needed a damned leash.

  “How do you think Demon Hunters are created?” she questioned.

  “Umm… school?” I answered. Again, skipping class was biting me in the butt.

  “Nope. They’re born, girlie,” she informed me. “Born from other Demon Hunters.”

  I had to pause and repeat her sentence inside my head. If she was shitting me, she was going to get her ass handed to her.

  “You’re a Demon Hunter?”

  “You bet your bippy I am… and so are you,” she said, shaking me off. “Now get low. This shit is gonna get fugly.”

  “Oh fuck,” Hank muttered as he pulled me away from my now glowing Granny.

  She was a Werewolf-Vampyre-Demon Hunter. That was some heavy stuff. My mom and dad were Demon Hunters, and apparently I was too. At least some of the weirder things I was feeling made sense now—not that I was thrilled about it.

  Zeernebooch had joined Dwayne and Belphegor in the fight, but a woman scorned was a tough adversary. Plus, she really did look hungry.

  “Dust or Hell?” Granny called out to my parents and Reginald over the hissing and gnashing of fangs.

  “She’s pretty damned evil. I say Hell,” my mom yelled back as she chanted over the candles causing the flames to turn icy white. “You sure you’re up to this, Mom? It’s been awhile.”

  “One a Demon Hunter, always a Demon Hunter,” Granny crowed as she pulled out her knitting needles and levitated off the ground.

  “Ahhhhhhhhh,” Dwayne bellowed as he lost the arm that had just regenerated and watched in abject horror as Obizuth ate it.

  “Tasty,” she hissed in a voice that made me want to hurl. “Want moooooooore.”

  “Not today,” Zeernebooch roared as he threw spell after spell at her. However, nothing seemed to affect her. She was a killing machine.

  “MOVE,” Granny bellowed as her eyes went red. Her voice sounded like it had come through a giant sound system. It caused everyone to pause… even Obizuth.