Fashionably Dead in Diapers Read online

  "Venus, cover Sammy's ears," I requested. She did. "Ethan and I are going on a nice little drive. We're going to watch the sun set and then we will screw each other until we see my Cousin Jesus or we die trying. There are bottles of breast milk in the fridge, but make sure he doesn't eat the nipple. He likes to chew rubber, just don't let him swallow it. The dog bones are all over the place and there are more in the pantry. No TV. It's dangerous enough because he repeats everything. If he grows more than a foot or starts a massive fire call me. We'll come back. Also he likes to animate inanimate objects so keep him out of the kitchen. Knives would be unfortunate. I've locked up all the stuffed animals because I was almost decapitated by an orange teddy bear the other night. I'd suggest you play only with small things that don't have teeth. Any questions?"

  The room was silent and all eyes were huge.

  "Pretty sure that covers it," The Kev mumbled in a daze. Everyone else nodded.

  I kissed my son and walked to the door. Excited didn't begin to cover what I was feeling. My inner hooker was breakdancing in my tummy and everything south of my belly button was on fire.

  "Oh," I jerked to a halt and turned back. "Don't fuuuc—arking swear. He repeats every godda—urned thing we say."

  On that note, I hightailed it to the door and ran. I was by far the worst potty mouth of all and I was definitely going to have to invest in duct tape.

  Fuck.

  Chapter 3

  New parents must remember to pay attention to their own needs as well as their child's. However, parents also must remember…while the cat’s away the mice will play. And cats never eat the stomach or the guts. No, they will leave them on your doorstep as a gift. Please remember this is considered a great honor. For real.

  "What is this place?" I asked as I stared at a beautiful little cottage nestled amongst huge oak trees. It looked like a house from a fairytale, complete with turrets and climbing ivy.

  "It's a gift for you," Ethan said as he yanked the keys from the ignition and jumped out of the car. He'd driven like a bat out of Hell—at least seventy miles an hour over the speed limit right into the middle of nowhere. "Get out of the car, Astrid, or I'll take you in the passenger seat."

  "Patience is a virtue," I said as I flew out of my seat and jumped him.

  "Patience is for pussies," he muttered against my lips as his tongue plundered my mouth and his hands roamed my ass.

  "I'm not sure I remember how to do it," I gasped as I ground against him like a cat in heat.

  "It's like riding a bike," he insisted urgently. The love of my very long life was all over me and I happily returned the favor.

  "Wait," I shouted as Ethan jerked to a halt and shoved me behind him, ready to kill whatever had alarmed me.

  "What?" he bellowed in frustration as he scanned the area around us. "I don't see or feel danger."

  "No danger," I said as I came out from behind him and slapped my hands on my hips. "And why in the Hell did you shove me behind your back? I'm more unkillable than you are."

  "Habit," he mumbled as he tried to attack my lips again.

  "Stop," I insisted. "I want to play a game."

  Ethan ran his hands through his hair and looked like he wanted to cry. "A game?'

  "Yessssssss." I grinned and lightly ran my hand over his substantial and achingly hard package. "Let's pretend this is your grandmother's house and we're in high school. You brought me here because after eight months of dating, dry humping and blue balls I finally agreed to do the nasty—as many times and ways as you've begged me. However, your grandma is at a championship bingo tournament and could return home and catch us at any moment. That, of course, would be catastrophic because she thinks sex is filthy and only for procreation and Mormons."

  Ethan was shocked to silence…almost. "It seems like you put a lot of thought into this," he said as he looked up at the sky and tried his damnedest not to laugh.

  "Okay, fine," I huffed. "If you don't like that one we can pretend we met at a bar. You're a world-class gigolo and I'm a beautiful virgin princess stripper and the world is going to end because of Zombies, Trolls and Gnomes…which, by the way, I had no idea existed. Anyhoo, I beg you to pop my cherry because I'm pretty sure there's no fucking in the afterlife. Or if there is, it would only be missionary style. "

  "Not very realistic," he said as he advanced on me and pinned me against the car. "How about I'm your master and you're my toy. You've been promised to another man by your father, but I've decided to make you mine…against your will."

  "That sounds promising," I purred. "Am I a virgin?"

  "Of course."

  "Will you tie me up and fuck me into submission?" I asked as my eyes turned from gold to a very aroused glittering green.

  "That could be arranged. I might even let you tie me up and ravage my body." His fangs dropped and his power radiated off of him.

  "You know," I said as I pulled his t-shirt out of his jeans and ran my hands over his six-pack abs, "the whole virgin thing is a little hard to buy. What if we…"

  "How about this?" Ethan said as he slipped his large hands into the back of my pants and squeezed my ass. "Why don't we go for something wildly and insanely improbable?"

  "I'm listening." I moaned as his fingers slipped between my legs and my brain got mushy.

  "Let's pretend I'm a Vampyre Prince and you're my Princess. We're madly in love and against all odds, we have a child. A perfect, if not somewhat violent, Vampyre-Demon baby boy whom we adore. You are the most beautiful woman in the world and I want you with every fiber of my being. I am not complete without you and I would give my undead life for you. Let's just pretend I want you so badly I can barely function at this point and if I don't take you soon, I will implode."

  "Very unrealistic." I giggled. "But I'm liking it. Tell me more."

  "I want to memorize every inch of your body with my tongue and then I want to fuck you until you can't remember your name. I want you to feel me inside your body even when I'm not there. I want to mark you with my teeth so no one can mistake to whom you belong, and I want your mark on me. I want to show you with my body how much I love you. Forever."

  "Oh my Hell," I gasped. "That's way better than the shit I came up with."

  "The truth is always sexier that fiction," he growled as he pushed two fingers inside me and my knees buckled.

  "Are we gonna do this on the hood of the car?" I asked as I yanked my shirt over my head and aggressively went for the buttons on his jeans.

  "Nope," he said as he tossed me over his shoulder and slapped my wiggling bottom. "We're going to start in the house. The grand finale will be on top of the car."

  I laughed as he moved at inhuman speed into the charming cottage. "Is this place really for me?" I asked as he tossed me on the massive four poster bed and began ripping his clothes from his gorgeous body.

  "Yes, along with everything else I have. All of it is yours."

  "You know I only want you," I panted as I tore at my own clothes. "And maybe some Prada and Stella McCartney."

  "What about Jimmy Choo and Badgley Mischka?"

  "Oh yeah," I said as I jumped off the bed and plastered my naked skin to his. "That too."

  "God, I want you so badly I can barely see," Ethan hissed as we fell to the bed. He ran his open mouth from my neck to my breast. The sting of his fangs along my skin made my body shiver with delight. My back arched wantonly and I raked my nails down his back.

  "Are you sure you want this?" he asked.

  I stopped for a moment and looked at him in utter confusion. "What do you mean? Don't you want this?"

  "I've wanted this our whole senior year," he purred with a smirk on his face that made me speechless and even hornier than I was a moment ago. "Your first time will hurt, but I promise I will make it worth it."

  Excitement took the A train to the stop right between my legs and I thought I would pass out…

  "Are you going to tell your friends?"

  "Um…am I supposed to?"
he asked, clearly unsure of the correct answer.

  "No, you idiot." I punched him and giggled. "If I do the nasty with you, it has to be our secret."

  "That might be a bit difficult," he murmured as he pinned my arms over my head and ran lazy circles with his tongue over my breasts.

  "Why?" I gasped as I wiggled beneath him, inviting him closer. "Do you have loose lips?"

  "Nope." He grinned and palmed himself. "I have a huge cock. When I get done with you, you'll be walking funny for a week."

  "Oh my God," I screeched as I tried to escape from his hold. "You are an egotistical pig."

  Laughter burst from my lips and I struggled futilely as he nibbled and licked his way around my body.

  "With an enormous dick," he whispered as he bit down on the lobe of my ear and placed my hand on his sizable appendage.

  "That is a monster," I agreed gravely as I stroked him. "It's too big to fit inside me so I'll just give you a hand job and then you can take me home."

  "Sounds good," he said and then went deadly still. "Wait. What?"

  "Yep, you're right. That is a ginormous Johnson. There's no way I can handle that behemoth weenie. It is really sad though…I was going to let you do anything you wanted to me. Anything." I hopped off the bed and bit back my grin. "What did I do with my clothes?" I muttered as I bent over, giving my Vampyre a fantastic view of my naked ass.

  Ethan's eyes narrowed dangerously. He began to stalk me without even moving. I knew I didn't stand a chance against my five-hundred-twenty-two-year-old immortal sex god…and that was fine with me.

  "Freeze," he said in a tone that sent my girlie parts into a tailspin.

  "What's the magic word?" I asked sweetly, ignoring his demand.

  "Ten."

  "Inches or orgasms?" I inquired as casually as a woman on the verge of a sexual meltdown could.

  His chuckle reverberated straight to my hoohoo and I slammed my legs together so I didn't come without him.

  "Both."

  "Works for me," I yelled as I dropped my clothes and dove on top of him. Happily, I buried my face in his neck. His scent made me dizzy. All of his hard meeting all of my soft was sheer perfection. "Is it going to hurt?" I asked coyly, still wanting to play.

  "Oh Astrid, there is such a fine line between pleasure and pain," he said gruffly as he rolled me beneath him and trapped me with his body. "However, I assure you any discomfort you feel will be replaced by an addiction and a need so intense we'll both be lucky to live through it."

  "Do you promise?" I whimpered as the heel of his hand pressed against my clit and his fingers pushed inside me.

  "Do you trust me?" he asked. The pressure between my legs increased and my fangs dropped. I would have said yes to anything he asked at this point. I would have told him I was a freakin' unicorn if that was what it would take to get laid. Wait…did unicorns exist? If Trolls, Zombies and Gnomes did, maybe unicorns were real too. Now, I wondered about Bigfoot…

  "Answer me, Astrid. Do you trust me?" he demanded again. He sunk his fangs into the underside of my breast and a violent orgasm shot through my body. I screamed, clamped my legs around his hand and rode it out as my body shuddered and my head thrashed. Cousin Jesus in a freakin' thong, Vampyre fangs were the greatest invention ever.

  "I trust you," I groaned as his open mouth slid down my body.

  "I think the best thing to do is to make you come a few times so my enormous erection will fit." His voice was muffled against my skin, but I could literally hear the cocky smirk in his voice.

  "Probably a good idea, big guy. Do you think you're up for the challenge?" I queried, trying not to giggle or flip him over and ride him like a cowboy.

  "I am most definitely up," he shot back and pressed the rock hard proof against my thigh. "The question is—can you handle it?"

  "I can handle anything you dish out, Mr. Mighty Man Junk."

  "That's one I'll not soon forget." He laughed as he made his way to the center of my universe. "You're sure about this?" he asked once more with the most evil and sexy grin I'd ever seen.

  "Um…" What was he going to do? I mean he was a little older—like by about four-hundred-ninety-two years. He had more experience, which I did not like to think about. At all. Ever. He was mine and I didn't share. I was never a jealous person until I became a Vamp. However, he was as territorial as I was—actually more. "Should I be sure about this?"

  "Yes," he whispered. "You should be very sure."

  "Okay," I stuttered. "Um…I'm sure. I think."

  His tongue rasped against my clit and little shots of brilliant color burst behind my tightly closed eyelids. His fingers and tongue worked magic as my body bucked and writhed beneath his expertise.

  "You're really good at this," I cried out and wrapped my legs around his head. His laughter against my most private parts sent me into orgasm number two.

  "Hold on, baby," he demanded as his hands gripped my hips and held me helpless to his mouth. "It's gonna be a bumpy ride."

  His fangs scraped the tender skin of my inner thigh and he nipped, sending me into screaming orgasm number three, but that was just the appetizer… The main course was going to kill me deader than I already was. I knew what he had planned to do the second before he did it. Was this even legal?

  "Ohmygodohmygodohmygod Ethan," I gasped. "I'm not sure that's a good idea."

  "Oh Astrid, it's a very good idea," he insisted as he firmly held my thrashing body right where he wanted it. "You'll come so hard that I'll be able to fuck you easily with my massive dick…and you'll beg for more."

  "I'm not sure I can handle…"

  The next thing I heard was a scream so loud it hurt my own ears.

  Who in the hell was the wailing banshee? WTF? Was it me?

  The roar of the ocean blasted through my head as he embedded his fangs in my clit and I realized the ragged screams were coming from me. It felt like my soul left my body and looked down at the sexual frenzy below. My body jerked and convulsed erotically as Ethan owned me like no one ever had and no one ever would. His hands roamed my body in jealous possession and my fingers laced in his hair and pulled for dear life. I couldn't anchor to anything. I was spiraling out of control. The heat in my abdomen had spread through my body like lightning. My fangs burned with need.

  Sobs mixed with moans tempered by screams were the noises that left my mouth as Ethan made his way back up my violently trembling body. His mouth had left me, but the fire raged to the point of inferno.

  "I need," I begged. "Please. I need."

  "What do you need?" he ground out. His eyes were wild and he'd never been more beautiful or frightening.

  "I need you," I pleaded as I desperately kissed and licked the skin on his broad chest and smooth neck. "So bad. I need you so bad."

  "As you wish."

  He buried himself to the hilt with one swift and forceful thrust as we both cried out. Nothing in my life had ever felt so perfect or so right.

  "So tight. So fucking wet," he muttered before he took my lips in a kiss that made me forget my name. "Mine. You're mine. Say it."

  His body froze while he waited to be obeyed. I could play that game, but I'd just up the ante…

  "You're mine, Vampyre. Say it," I choked out as my body tightened around his cock like a vise.

  He threw back his head and laughed. "God, I love you. Yes. I'm yours. Tell me you're mine. Now."

  "I'm yours," I promised frantically. "I'm yours forever. Now fuck me."

  "With pleasure," he hissed.

  He fucked me so hard and beautifully it would have killed a human, but I met him joyfully thrust for thrust. There was no way to be close enough. Crawling inside his skin would only be the beginning of what I needed from him. The roaring in my ears muffled our moans, but the rhythm and intensity would be imbedded in my mind and body forever.

  "I love you, Astrid," Ethan said as he reached between us and fingered my clit. "Come with me."

  He didn't have to ask twice. His relea
se was almost painful as his engorged cock grew even bigger inside my willing body. I leaned into his neck and bit down. His body jerked violently and the sounds that came from deep within his chest sent me into an orgasmic explosion that by all rights should have killed everything within a ten mile radius.

  "I love you. I love you. I love you," I mumbled over and over as I floated back down to Earth. "I love you so much."

  "I love you more."