Your Broom or Mine?: Magic and Mayhem Book Eight Read online

  “I am kind of hungry,” I admitted as my stomach growled in agreement.

  “Do you like peanut butter and jelly with the bread in the middle?” Zelda inquired as she took my hand and began marching us toward her beautiful home.

  “Never tried it like that,” I said, testing her grip.

  It was solid. I was going up to the house whether I wanted to or not.

  “You’ll love it,” she promised. “My little ones make them. Kind of messy, but delicious. You in?”

  I was pretty damn sure I didn’t have a choice. Plus, I did need to say goodbye to Zorro… and Zach. If I was going to search for my metaphorical hairy magic beans, I couldn’t whack them off at the beginning of the journey.

  I was a grown dryad—a magical being with pride and confidence. I would wish the man of my dreams well and then leave him behind. If I couldn’t have him, I didn’t want to stand in the wings and watch some other lucky woman win his heart. Plus, I didn’t need a man to be complete. I just needed to find me and my nards.

  “I’m in.”

  Chapter Three

  “Oh my Goddess, what is that smell?” I choked out as we approached the house.

  Zelda and Mac’s home was amazing—a beautiful and huge log cabin with a rustic wrap-around-porch nestled into the side of a tree-covered hill. I was sure I counted at least four chimneys coming out of the roof.

  However, as lovely as the exterior might be, it smelled Goddess awful.

  “Mother humper,” Zelda shouted, slapping her forehead. “I'm so fucking embarrassed. My house doesn’t normally smell like a giant ass. I guess the douche didn’t work. My familiars, Fat Bastard, Jango Fett and Boba Fett got sprayed when they tried to become one with skunks yesterday. The smell got singed into my nasal cavity, and I hoped it was just me who could still smell it.”

  “Umm… nope,” I said with a wince and a pained laugh. “I’ll go on record and say the douche didn’t work.”

  “I’m gonna have to get the jackholes waxed,” she muttered. “It’s about to get ugly here. Last time Sassy waxed my cats there was hell to pay. But that should teach the ball-licking freaks not to try to bang skunks ever again.”

  “One would hope,” I said, wishing I could stay in this crazy place. As strange as it was, it was clearly filled with love and bizarre—albeit stinky—shenanigans.

  “You want a nose plug?” Zelda offered. “I keep them around for when Bob the beaver Shifter eats magical berries.”

  I wasn’t going to touch that one.

  Shaking my head, no, I swallowed my laugh. “I’m good. I’ll get used to it, I’m sure.”

  “Don’t be too sure. It’s freaking awful,” she said with a grunt of disgust as she yanked me up the stairs to the front porch. “Zorro is going to faint when he sees you.”

  “To be expected,” I said with a wide smile. “He is a fainting goat Shifter.”

  “And a very snazzy dresser,” Zelda added as she opened the front door and pushed me through.

  I’d stay for a bit to be polite. Zelda had saved my life, and I needed to show my appreciation. I’d meet her babies, eat a messy sandwich, say hello to Zorro, and then I’d say goodbye to Zach. It would be the closure I needed to move on.

  “Well, hell’s bells,” Zelda said, looking around, perplexed. “Where is everyone?”

  The massive great room was empty. It was also warm and inviting—all exposed beams, earthy colors and clean lines. Toys and stuffed animals littered the floor and tons of natural light illuminated the lovely area. The house had a real sense of joy.

  “Sit,” Zelda directed as she pointed to the couch. “I’ll find Zorro and the kids.”

  She moved to leave and then turned back quickly. “You won’t make a run for it when I’m gone?”

  The witch had my number, but I wasn’t going to be a coward. “I’ll stay for a little while. I promise.”

  “That’s what I said when I got to Assjacket,” she muttered as she left the room.

  I had no clue what she was talking about, but figuring out Zelda could take decades. For now, I’d simply do as asked. A few hours wouldn’t matter anyway. It could take me years to find my metaphorical gonads.

  Feeling a little lightheaded about facing Zach, I leaned back on the couch and closed my eyes. I really did want the very best for him. I loved him, but he could never know. He’d lived a hell on earth for his entire existence. His new life should be guilt-free.

  “Psssst,” came a voice from underneath the couch. “Youse alone, hot pants?”

  Gasping in surprise, I pinched my nose shut as a waft of skunk butt aroma wafted through the room. I tried not to gag. “Yes, I’m alone. Is that you, Fat Bastard?”

  “Youse bet yer fine patooty it is,” he grunted as he shimmied out from under the couch with immense effort.

  Boba Fett and Jango Fett followed with as much difficulty as their buddy. The cats had enormous bellies and bottoms. And they reeked like nothing I’d ever encountered. Fat Bastard glanced around warily and moved in closer. I truly adored Zelda’s familiars, just not right this minute. It was all I could do not to hurl. Breathing through my mouth so I didn’t pass out, I smiled at the cats. I was sure it wasn’t one of my best smiles, but I was making an effort.

  “Do youse happen to have any douche on youse?” Fat Bastard asked.

  “Umm… no,” I told him with a choked laugh. “I don’t usually carry douche.”

  “Shit don’t work anyway,” Boba Fett announced, falling back onto his bottom and lifting his hind kitty leg high in the air.

  I turned my head away politely as he went to town on his odoriferous jewels.

  “Hows about baking soda, peroxide and fish soap?” Jango Fett questioned.

  “You mean dish soap?” I asked.

  Jango shrugged his furry shoulders. “Youse say dish soap. I says fish soap. Same shit, different name. Youse got any? We’d be willin’ to cut a deal for it.”

  “Nope, no douche or fish soap,” I said, getting an idea. I’d never actually tried de-stinking cats, but I’d always been excellent at bringing back peace and harmony to forests and wildlife after natural disasters. The cats definitely qualified as natural disasters. “Would you guys mind if I took a crack at cleaning you up?”

  “Youse wanna clean our cracks?” Fat Bastard looked wildly intrigued.

  “I’d be into dat,” Boba said, lifting his head from his socially unacceptable habit.

  “My crack could use a good lickin’,” Jango added, winking at me.

  “Umm… no. Absolutely not. Never. I really don’t want anything to do with your cracks,” I said, shaking my head. “I was thinking more along the lines of removing the odor.”

  “From our cracks?” Fat Bastard asked, still not with the program.

  “Well, I suppose your cracks would benefit,” I conceded. “I think it might be less painful than getting waxed.”

  “Mother humpin’ turd nuggets,” Fat Bastard hissed. “Is dat the plan?”

  “It’s on the list of possibilities,” I said, still pinching my nose so I didn’t accidentally breathe through it. “If the three of you would line up, I can cast a little spell and it might solve the problem.”

  “Youse want our cracks facin’ youse?” Boba asked as he waddled over.

  “Definitely not,” I told him. “Keep your cracks facing the other way.”

  “Don’t see how youse is gonna lick our cracks if youse can’t see our cracks,” Jango muttered as he followed my directions.

  “Is dis gonna hurt?” Fat Bastard inquired. “I like a good spankin’ now and then, but dats as far as I go.”

  “I don’t mind gettin’ tied up and light floggin’,” Jango informed me.

  “Youse can spank me any day of de week,” Boba overshared.

  “Mmkay, all of that was TMI,” I told them. “And no, it won’t hurt at all. I’m just not sure it will work. What’s your favorite flower?”

  Fat Bastard raised his little paw politely. “I�
�m partial to dat amorphophallus titanium. Looks like a big schlong.”

  Not to be topped, Jango Fett chimed in. “I like dat one, but I’m gonna go with a calla lily. Dat flower looks like it’s got a schlong and a hooha. Very impressive.”

  “Nah,” Boba Fett said. “I’m more into the rubus cockburnianus family of plants because of the word cock in the title.”

  I regretted my question immediately. “Alrighty then,” I said, biting back my laugh so I didn’t encourage them. “Do you like roses?”

  No one said a word. Maybe flowers weren’t their thing. I tried again. “How about the scent of pine trees?”

  Fat Bastard nodded. “Dat’s a good one. Dem cones look like Johnsons. I vote for pine wieners.”

  “Youse can count me in on pine peckers too,” Jango volunteered.

  “Yep, I’m in for a nice pine baloney pony,” Boba added.

  “Pine it is,” I said, grinning. Zelda’s cats were as profane as she was.

  With a wave of my hand, an enchanted glistening pine-scented breeze floated through the massive room and wrapped the hairy ball lickers in a warm magical embrace.

  “Tickles!” Fat Bastard said, giggling.

  “Dis is niiiiiiice,” Boba squealed as he jiggled with laughter.

  “My crack is lovin’ it!” Jango shouted as he shook with hysterics.

  “Just another few seconds,” I told them, letting my hand dance in the air and saying a quick prayer to the Goddess that it would work. I’d hate to see the cats get waxed.

  Fat Bastard, Jango Fett and Boba Fett floated on the gentle wind and giggled with joy. Taking the risk of vomiting, I cautiously breathed in through my nose. Bingo. Skunk butt aroma gone. Clean forest pine scent in its place.

  “Dat was infuckingcredible,” Fat Bastard announced. “We owe youse, Willow.”

  Jango sniffed his privates and gave me a kitty thumbs up. “My crack smells delicious.”

  “Umm… great,” I said with a wince. “Good to know.”

  “Youse de bomb!” Boba said. “The Bastard is correct. We owe youse. Whatever youse want, we will steal it for youse.”

  “Thanks, but no thanks,” I told them. “I’m good.”

  “It also applies to a magical favor,” Fat Bastard said, taking a whiff of his pits. “Weese would never welch on a favor to a pretty gal who fixed our cracks.”

  “I’ll keep that in mind,” I said, scratching their odor-free heads. “Just stay away from the skunks.”

  “Roger dat,” Fat Bastard said as he purred with content. “Dem gals is too uppity anyway.”

  “Let’s go make Zelda sniff our cracks,” Boba suggested. “She’s gonna freak.”

  “Thanks again, doll face,” Fat Bastard said as the trio waddled out of the great room. “Don’t forget, weese have yer back.”

  I waved and sighed in relief. My de-stinking the cats wasn’t enough of a repayment for all that Zelda had done for me, but it was certainly a start.

  Settling myself back on the couch, I leaned back and closed my eyes. I shouldn’t be tired after a month of rest, but the anticipation of what was about to happen drained me. I’d just get through it. There was no other choice.

  “Pssssst,” came a different voice from behind the curtains.

  What was it about this place? Did everyone hide?

  “Can I help you?” I asked, glancing over at the moving curtain in alarm.

  “Possibly,” the male voice said.

  It was a strangely familiar voice, but I couldn’t place it.

  “You want to come out from behind the curtain or are we playing The Wizard of Oz?” I inquired.

  “Are you alone?” he asked.

  Now I was getting a bit nervous. Was someone here to harm Zelda or her babies? Maybe Zorro or Zach? Not going to happen on my watch.

  “I am,” I said, standing up and ready to zap the hell out of anyone even slightly nefarious. “Come out and keep your hands at your sides. If you make a wrong move, it will be your last.”

  “Your balls are enormous,” he commented. “That’s wonderful.”

  “Umm… thank you,” I said. “Actually, I lost them somewhere along the way. I’m currently searching for them.”

  “I disagree,” he countered. “I’m pretty sure you’re wearing them right now.”

  “Again, thank you,” I said, pleased that the villain behind the curtain thought I had hairy magical beans. “And again, come out with your hands at your sides. Now.”

  “As you wish,” he said, peeking out.

  I almost swallowed my tongue. “Zach?” I shouted.

  “No,” he whispered, glancing around in fear. “I’m Fabio.”

  “You guys are triplets?” I asked, completely confused. I vaguely remembered Zelda saying something about Fabio and Bermangoggleshitz lurking in the woods and stalking Zach. She’d seemed unconcerned by it, but I didn’t like the thought of Zach being stalked by anyone.

  Fabio’s smile was identical to Zach’s and Zelda’s. His bright green eyes twinkled and his dark auburn hair stood on end. It looked as if he’d run his hands through it a hundred times. The man was clearly not a villain. However, who he was to Zach and Zelda remained to be seen. I had an idea, but needed confirmation.

  “Who exactly are you, Fabio?” I asked, eyeing him suspiciously.

  “I’m Zelda and Zach’s father,” he whispered, his eyes darting to the staircase.

  “And you’re hiding behind the curtain because?”

  “Well, I’m not exactly wanted at the moment… by Zach,” he admitted sadly. “I’m working on it.”

  “By hiding in the curtains?” I pressed, thinking that was an odd way to work on it. Although, witches and warlocks were an unusual breed.

  “Can we talk?” he asked with a smile so charming I smiled right back. “I’d like to get to know you.”

  “Yes.” Admittedly, I was curious about Fabio, so I agreed to the chat. “Yes, we can.”

  Chapter Four

  “I locked Zach in the bathroom with the cats and Zorro—even put a complicated spell on the door,” Zelda said, balancing her toddler daughter Audrey on one hip and her son Henry on the other while grinning from ear to ear. She was positively crazy. But the more I learned about her, the more I liked. Apparently, she had overheard Fabio and me in the great room and felt it necessary to lock her brother in the bathroom with her pine-scented cats and my BFF Zorro displaying his bare bottom.

  Why? I hoped to find out.

  She nodded at me and continued. “We have about a half hour. I told Zorro to detain Zach as well. The goat is modeling his assless chaps. Zach is probably dying a slow death right now.”

  “Great,” I said, still very confused by the whole hostage situation going on in her bathroom.

  “First of all, thank you for de-stinking my idiotic cats,” Zelda said. “They’re all keen on me sniffing their cracks. I told the furry dorks if they kept insisting on me getting even within two feet of their cracks, I’d permanently remove them.”

  A laugh burst from my lips. I realized I’d laughed more today than I had in a long time. “You’re most welcome for the de-stinking. It’s the least I could do. As for the crack part, they misunderstood something I said.”

  “Typical. They’re not the sharpest tools in the shed,” Zelda said, handing Audrey to a delighted Fabio and plopping Henry into my lap.

  Her children were so adorable, and I'd been itching to hold them. The little boy looked right into my eyes, smiled and blew a raspberry. Henry then stuck his thumb into his mouth, cuddled close and fell asleep in my arms. Heaven.

  “I’m just going to dive right in here due to limited time. Fabio banged my pathetic excuse for a mother, and she got knocked up,” Zelda began.

  “I had no clue she was pregnant,” Fabio volunteered quickly. “I was a bit of a man whore at the time.”

  “Man whoreeeeeee!” Audrey yelled as Fabio blanched in horror.

  “Sorry,” he whispered.

  Zelda sho
ok her head and grunted in pain. “You will explain that one to Mac,” she informed her father. “He will kick your sorry ass.”

  “Assssssssssss,” Henry grunted sleepily. “My daddy kicky your assssssssss.”

  Snapping his fingers, Fabio conjured up a roll of duct tape and tossed it to his daughter.

  Catching it, she nodded her thanks. “I have three strikes. I’ve only used one,” she said. “Plus, we have to get Willow up to speed quickly.”

  Feeling their panic, I curled Henry closer, sat up straighter, and paid close attention. Having no clue what else I was going to hear, I didn’t want to miss any details.

  “Okay,” Zelda continued. “To make a long fuc…arrked up story short. When Fabio found out about me, he confronted my piece of poopoo egg donor, and she cast a poopy doody spell on him and turned him into a cat.”

  “Right,” Fabio agreed. “The poopy dookie spell…”

  “I said doody not dookie,” Zelda pointed out. “Although, dookie is more satisfying,”

  Fabio raised his brow at his daughter.

  “Keep going,” she hissed. “I was giving you a compliment on the dookie thing, jackhole.”

  “Thank you, Zelda,” Fabio said with a grin. “Anyhoo, the horrid dingleberry of a woman turned me into a cat, and I had to earn Zelda’s love in order to revert back to myself.”

  “So, get this,” Zelda said, shaking her head. “I find him in a dumpster and the mangy fart pebble of cat followed me home.”

  “Where you ran over me with your butt fudge car,” Fabio added.

  “It was a peepeeing accident,” Zelda said with an eye roll.

  “All three times, diaper breath?” Fabio inquired with a laugh.

  “Yesssssssssss, hiney face,” Zelda insisted, laughing with him.

  This family was insane and wonderful.

  “Although, to your credit and excellent taste, you did bury me in a Prada shoebox,” Fabio recalled.

  “With the shoe bags as a pillow and blanket, boom-boom mouth,” she reminded him.

  “Nice touch,” I said with a giggle. “Can either of you work pooplet or hot sloppy into a sentence?”