A Tale Of Two Witches: Magic and Mayhem Book Five Read online

  No, no, no. What in the Goddess’s name was I thinking? My father was a stanky, evil warlock who practiced really dark magic. Everything was finally looking up for me, I didn’t need to screw any of it up on purpose. I screwed up enough without even trying.

  “Hold that thought,” I told Jeeves as I wiggled against his hard body. “Not so sure I want the jackhole in my life yet, plus I don’t think he deserves to be treated like a real father considering I’ve never really met the jerk.”

  “Fine point. Well made,” Jeeves agreed, pulling his shirt over his head and making my heart stutter with desire. “Okay, so we won’t ask the sperm donor. If we’re going human-style, would you like a ring?”

  “Does the Pope tap dance?” I squealed.

  “Umm… yes?” Jeeves replied, clearly a little confused.

  “You bet your hot, sexy, bounce-a-quarter-off-of, perfectly sculpted ass he does,” I confirmed with a whoop of joy. “I want a huge…”

  And then I froze.

  Part of the reason I’d spent time in the pokey—along with blowing up buildings and being what some would call loose in the magical morals department—was because I was also wildly materialistic. While I really wanted a honker of a diamond that weighed so much my hand would be sore, I knew Jeeves worked as a chef at the diner. I had no clue what he made, but a rock on a chef’s salary wasn’t in the cards. I was truly amazed that I was totally fine with that. The last thing in the world I wanted to do was make him feel bad.

  Honestly? I didn’t care if he gave me a plastic ring with a rhinestone glued to it. We could save up some money and buy a nice medium-large-ish ring sometime in the future. Besides, while a big ring would be nice, Jeeves already had something big that I loved even more. His man-junk was spectacular. I’d take that over a ring any day.

  Goddess, was I actually maturing?

  “We can save up for a ring later,” I told him, liking myself a whole bunch. “We have four kids who tend to get fired a lot. I think we should save our money for rainy days and groceries.”

  Jeeves’ laugh made me proud for thinking about other people.

  Yes! I was maturing.

  “Baby, I work at the diner because I like having something to do that I’m good at and enjoy. I don’t have to work at the diner. Wouldn’t matter at all if I lost my job.”

  Sitting up, I grabbed my panties and began to pull them on. I knew what was going on here and I was having none of it.

  “Tell me who did it,” I snapped, grabbing Jeeves’ recently discarded shirt and yanking it over my head. “Was it Wanda? I know she owns the diner. I really like her and her cheesecakes, but she just crossed the line into Hairless-ville. I waxed the damn cats. I can wax a few Shifters too.”

  “Whoa,” Jeeves said, pulling me back to the bed. “I’m not following you here.”

  “It’s okay, sweetie. I’ll just march over to the diner and wax Wanda until she gives you your job back. You don’t need to worry about a thing. I’ve got your back. Anyone that screws with my family unit loses their hair—and maybe gets a wart or three. Period.”

  “Honey, wait a minute.”

  “It’s all gonna be okay.” I interrupted him before he could try to stop me. “And if Wanda won’t rehire you, I’ll get a job—after I wax her completely bald and lay a few gnarly warts on her face. I’m not good at much, but maybe there’s a Shifter construction company around here. I could save them tons on explosives to take down buildings. We’re gonna be just fine.”

  Jeeves laughed and kissed me hard. “You are the best thing that has ever happened to me.”

  Kissing my lips and then my nose, he pulled me close and nibbled on my ear.

  “Honey, if you keep doing that, I’m gonna ride you like a bronco. Let me up. It’ll only take me thirty-two minutes or so to wax everyone at the diner if I take my broom,” I explained, writhing like a cat in heat as his lips moved to my neck.

  “Sassy, what I meant was that I don’t have to work if I don’t want to. I’m rich—extremely rich.”

  “Shut the front freakin’ door,” I gasped out, as his talented mouth moved to my breasts. “You’re loaded?”

  “Obscenely,” he said, taking a nipple into his mouth and rattling my brain.

  My back arched and a fabulous coil of heat began to consume my lower half. Thinking was difficult when I was at my best. Forming coherent sentences was almost impossible when all I wanted to do was play cowboy and cowgirl with the love of my witchy life.

  “So I can have a mongo rock?” I asked, running my fingers through his thick dark hair and pulling on it the way he loved.

  “You can have as many mongo rocks as you want.” His voice was muffled as he nipped and licked his way down to the Promised Land.

  “Sweet Goddess on a bender,” I squealed as he hit the spot that made my eyes cross. “We can afford to send the boys to college?”

  “Yep.”

  “We can go on vacations to Disney World?”

  “Yep.”

  “I can get a Birkin bag of my own and keep my hair?”

  Jeeves head popped up as he glanced at me quizzically. “What do Birkin bags have to do with your hair?”

  “Nothing,” I said casually, running my hands over his strong arms and chest. Explaining my pilfering past and Zelda’s punishments for my transgressions wasn’t sexy. I was all about sexy at the moment.

  “Remind me to send the Hooch sisters a thank you note,” Jeeves said with a wide grin as he stared at my varnished Virginia.

  “You like?” I asked coyly.

  “I love,” he replied hoarsely.

  “You wanna show me how much you like?”

  “Nothing would give me more pleasure,” he said in a husky voice and with a feral look in his eyes that made me squeal with delight.

  In a flurry of hands and lips, we rediscovered every part of each other’s bodies. I loved every muscly inch of the man who was far too good for me—yet seemed to love me anyway.

  “Goddess.” I groaned and bucked, as the heel of his hand ground into my girlie parts while his talented fingers discovered how wet he made me.

  “So fucking tight—so responsive—so sexy,” he growled with hooded lids and a sexy half smirk that made me tingle all over.

  His voice alone did it for me—the rest was a mind blowing added bonus.

  “Need you,” I begged, biting at his full lips and pressing my needy body to his.

  “You sure you’re ready?” His smirk had grown wider as he teased me mercilessly with his magical fingers.

  “I’m so ready,” I informed him, as magic I couldn’t control burst from my fingertips and bathed us both in delicate crystals of pink and purple glitter. It looked as if our bedroom had been taken over by floating pixie dust and fairies—really horny fairies.

  Pushing my knees to my chest and keeping his eyes glued to mine, Jeeves entered me slowly. I could tell the effort it took him to go slow by the vein bulging in his neck and his labored breathing. Of course my wriggling didn’t help much either.

  “I love you, Sassy.”

  Buried to the hilt inside me, his lips attacked my mouth as his gorgeous body invaded mine. Everything about him was so hard and delicious. Bursts of color ripped across my vision as my body clenched and tingled.

  “I love you back,” I cried out as the speed of our lovemaking grew frenzied.

  Magic swirled around the room, toppling furniture and dancing with carnal joy—and we followed suit. Sex with a kangaroo Shifter was like jumping around in a bounce house that gave you mind blowing orgasms. My screams sounded far away as my ears were ringing with an impending big O that was gonna make me see the Goddess.

  “So good,” Jeeves murmured in my ear as we bounced from our couch back to our bed. “You’re mine. Are you ready?”

  “For what?” I gasped out, rocking my hips in rhythm with his—meeting every forceful thrust with joyful abandon.

  “To be mated with me,” he said as his eyes went unfocused wi
th lust.

  “Will it hurt?” I asked, noticing for the first time that my man had fangs.

  Holy Hell in August. That was freakin’ hot.

  “It will, but only for a short time.”

  “And then we have mating sex?” I asked, so close to an orgasm I could taste it.

  “Yes, baby. We’ll have mating sex and I will fuck you senseless.”

  The orgasm that ripped through me at his words alone left me breathless and dizzy. It was every kind of awesome and I was pretty sure mating sex couldn’t be any better than what we already had done, but…

  “Yes,” I said, throwing my head back and offering my neck to the man I adored. “I wanna be yours forever. And I don’t want a rock on my finger. I just want you.”

  “We’ll see about that,” Jeeves said with a grin as his fangs descended to my neck.

  “Do me, Baby.”

  “With pleasure,” he ground out.

  And he did.

  And the mating sex was better.

  It was so much better that I was pretty sure we’d died and gone onto the Next Adventure.

  Thankfully, we were still alive—because mating sex goes on for hours.

  And hours.

  And hours.

  Best night of my whole freakin’ life.

  Chapter Six

  “Feeling dizzy here,” I gasped out, as I pulled at the material plastered to my body. What in the hell had I been thinking when I chose a dress with boned, rib cracking corsets in it?

  My wedding dress was going to be comfortable—not like this bullshit. Although as painful as it was, it was also unfortunately awesome.

  “Well, I don’t think you’re supposed to breathe in an outfit like that,” Zelda offered as she admired the incredible vintage Chanel get up I’d chosen to meet Marge in.

  The day had dawned bright and sunny. Jeeves and the boys had gone off to work while I was going to have my dreaded chat with Cookie Witch. When Jeeves had offered to stay with me for the witchy get together, I cried over his thoughtfulness. Being so unused to someone having my back made me emotional.

  I needed to face the old bag alone, but promised my man I would let him know what went down when it was over. Jeeves got an amazing BJ for being my perfect hero. He went off to the diner with a ridiculous grin on his handsome mated face.

  I was walking funny from having too much mating sex—not because my Virginia had been violently polished by the Hooch gals. I was mated and humanly engaged to a kangaroo. I was happy—stupid happy. Who knew I would ever be this dang blissful? However, the lack of oxygen going to my brain was making the beautiful day a bit blurry.

  “I’m debating whether breathing is more important than fashion,” I choked out, trying to move naturally around the room. Not happening.

  Zelda eyed me critically, while considering my statement. “You do look insanely hot. However, it’s one thing to suffer for your fashion. It’s an entirely different thing to die for it.”

  “Goddess, you’re smart.”

  With a snap of my fingers, I replaced the suffocating ensemble with a sexy Byron Lars number that enhanced my bosom and would enable me to live longer than an hour or so. “Good?”

  “Perfect.” Zelda gave me a thumbs up. “You ready for Cookie Witch?”

  “Yep. Bring her on. Nothing can get me down today.”

  She eyed me with curiosity and tossed me a pair of fabulous Jimmy Choo stilettos that rocked with my dress. “What’s with the fantastic attitude? You’re usually a grumpy assmonkey in the morning.”

  “Not today,” I squealed. “Jeeves and I are mated and I asked him to marry me.”

  “And?” Her grin was wide and it made me giggle.

  “He said yes!” I gushed and hopped around like my panties were on fire. “I’m gonna do it human style and I’m going to take his last name.”

  “Goddess, you’re starting to remind me of a kangaroo,” Zelda muttered with a laugh. “So what’s his last name?”

  I paused for dramatic effect and made sure I could see her face. I knew it wasn’t a great name, but yet it was at the same time. It was Jeeves’ name and it belonged to him and we belonged to each other.

  And it certainly beat the snot out of Bermangoggleshitz.

  “Pants,” I replied.

  Zelda froze and then began studying her nails like they were the most interesting things in the world. She was biting her lips so hard I was certain she was going to have to heal herself.

  “Sassy Pants?” Her question came out on a strangled whisper. My BFF’s swallowed grunt of laughter sounded like a wounded animal. “Are you sure?”

  “Yep, and you can laugh all you want. I almost shit a brick when I found out, but then I realized I didn’t care—at all. I want Jeeves and his heart and his name and his enormous package that he….”

  “Whoa dude,” Zelda shouted in a panic. She magically zipped my lips shut with a swipe of her hand before I could finish my sentence. “I don’t want to know about Jeeves’ privates—ever—as in never ever in this lifetime.”

  Nodding and wiggling my fingers to reverse her spell, I kept dancing around the room. “He loves me and I love him. I don’t necessarily love me yet, but I’m working on it. If the nicest man in the world thinks I’m worth it, maybe I really am.”

  “You are, Sassy Pants. You’re a pain in my ass and I want to zap you bald several times daily, but you are worth it.”

  “Really?” I stopped my dance and stared at my friend as my eyes welled up with tears.

  “Really, you can even tell people I said that—but only a few. If you tell too many, I’ll have to do something drastic and possibly painful. Clear?”

  “Totally,” I promised and hugged her hard.

  “Okay, Sassy Pants, I gotta go.” Zelda moved to leave.

  “Where in the Goddess’s name do you think you’re going?” I shrieked, grabbing her by the waist and yanking her back into my living room.

  “My boobs are leaking. Time to feed the twins. Witch’s honor, I’ll come right back.”

  Slowly forcing myself to peel my fingers from her body, I nodded. “Marge is weird but nice—hopefully she’s bringing cookies. I can do this. Do you have any clue what she wants?”

  “I think I might, but it’s probably better coming from the old freak herself.”

  “Should I meet her on the front lawn?” I asked, narrowing my eyes in thought.

  Zelda halted her forward progress and glanced back at me. “Why would you do that?”

  “Cause if I don’t like what the crazy old bat has to say, I might blow up my house by accident.”

  “Fucking brilliant, Sassy Pants,” Zelda shouted, making me giggle with pride.

  “Seriously?” I was shocked and tremendously pleased.

  “Yep, I don’t ever want to hear you say you’re not smart again. That idea is pure genius. Just plant yourself far enough away from your house and car, and everything should be fine.”

  “I can do this,” I announced with more confidence than I actually had.

  “Yes, you can,” Zelda said, looking as unconfident as I secretly felt. “Just don’t blow up Cookie Witch. Baba Yomamma will be pissed.”

  “Got it.”

  At least, I hoped I did.

  * * *

  “Drop the fucking cookies and back away slowly,” I snarled at Marge as she rolled her eyes in annoyance for the umpteenth time.

  It had been a long forty-seven minutes, and it didn’t seem like it was going to get any better.

  Marge the Cookie Witch was every kind of gorgeous—looked so much like her sister, our leader Baba Yaga, or Baba Yojackhole as I liked to call her in private—that I had to keep reminding myself this one couldn’t send me to the pokey for being disrespectful.

  Blonde and stylish—unlike Baba Yaga who was stuck in the 1980’s—Marge was someone I might have admired or wanted to pilfer clothes from, if she wasn’t such a ridiculous butthole.

  Why in the Goddess’s name hadn’t
Zelda come back yet? How long did it take to feed tiny babies? My chipmunks could polish off a ten-course feast in four minutes and thirty-six seconds.

  I was close to doing something really stupid. I needed my BFF.

  “It’s not like you have to take over my duties yet, girlie,” Marge insisted, not moving an inch as her fingers began to shoot menacing little sparks. “I’d have to train you—and that could take a…um—a while. Possibly decades or centuries,” she muttered under her breath.

  “Look lady,” I said, trying my best not to zap her uppity ass. “I’m not living in a cookie house and I’m not gonna spread green shit around the world like Tinkerbell just to keep the magical balance from toppling—whatever the hell that even means. I have four geriatric children. I do community theatre. I have a very active sex life and I’m going to have to deal with the last name Pants. I don’t have time for anything else.”

  “Pants?” she asked, biting back a grin.

  “Yessssss,” I hissed. I didn’t like her enough to let her laugh at my unfortunate last name yet.

  “Sassy Pants?”

  “You got it, lady.”

  “I’m very sorry,” she said, bowing her head in what she tried to pass off as a condolence, but I knew the old cow was trying not to laugh.

  “Apology not accepted,” I snapped. “I’m proud to take Jeeves’ last name. He loves me, which might make him every kind of crazy, but it works well for me. So you can shove your sorry up your rude ass.”

  “Your manners are appalling,” Marge muttered.

  “Thank you,” I replied. The meeting was going south fast. The very least I could do was accept a compliment when I heard one.

  “That wasn’t a compliment, girlie.”

  “Whoops. My bad,” I said with a shrug. “I don’t speak French, you big fat heifer.”

  “I see… Sassy, darling.” Marge’s statement landed somewhere between a purr and a growl.

  Her words belied her tone. She looked as scary as her sister Baba Yaga did when things weren’t going her way. However, I didn’t have to obey Marge. She wasn’t the boss of me or any other witch alive—as far as I knew.