Were We Belong Read online

  “So Bel the Whore’s pappy’s name is Weiner Hooch?” Granny inquired with a laugh and a wink. “It’s no wonder those bastards are so pissy with names like that.”

  “I couldn’t agree more,” Dwayne said as he stood up and scanned the group. “And there is a small-ish wrinkle.”

  “How small-ish?” I asked, knowing the ish was not going to be small at all.

  Dwayne popped all ten of his knuckles and then twisted the diamond studs in his ears as he contemplated how to share the ish. “Belphegor’s pappy isn’t aware of his true orientation.”

  “Okaaay,” I said, not following. “What does that have to do with anything?”

  “The bastard has agreed to help us if we help him.”

  We waited for Dwayne to be a little more forthcoming. He wasn’t. That’s when Granny decided to use a little corporal punishment.

  “Out with it, peckerhead,” Granny demanded, whacking Dwayne on the back of his hairless noggin and sending him flying. Now that she was both Vampyre and Werewolf, her strength was absurd. “I have a pole dancing engagement tonight and you’re performing Cher while I change costumes. I have no time for nonsense.”

  The irony. Oh, the irony.

  “Fine,” Dwayne huffed, ducking Granny’s left hook. “Belphegor needs a beard.”

  “I am so lost,” Junior said, scratching his head. “The Demon wants us to find him some facial hair so his pappy doesn’t find out he’s gay? That’s a new one to me. But I got no problem-o with it. Jimmy Joe Jim Bub, the Lion Shifter, has a ZZ Top beard. If we get him drunk enough, he probably wouldn’t know if we hack off some of his gnarly beard for Bel the Whore.”

  I didn’t have the energy to correct Junior since I was so flabbergasted by what he’d just said. Everyone was silent as we digested his plan—and his stupidity.

  “Umm… thank you,” Dwayne said to Junior. “However, we’re not talking that kind of beard.”

  “He wants you to procure a fake girlfriend for him?” Dima asked with a laugh.

  “Yessssssss,” Dwayne hissed. “I told the son of a bee-otch that in drag I’m more beautiful than any woman, but he said his pappy would sense it. Which in turn could lead to a Demon bloodbath that no one would survive.”

  “Holy shit,” I shouted. “I’m gonna tear the Bobs a new asshole that will make it impossible for those shits to sit for a year. I don’t care if they are terrifying. This has gotten completely out of hand.”

  “Hang on, Miss Sphincter Expander,” Granny said. “Dwayne, is this permanent or temporary?”

  “Essie’s ass rip?” Dwayne inquired, perplexed.

  Granny rolled her eyes and belted Dwayne again. “No, dumbass. The beard. We only have to provide a beard until the Demon raises the dead and we get the info we need about who’s behind the Jazz Cabbage outbreak. After that, all we can do is hope like hell we don’t have a Zombie Apocalypse on our hands.”

  “Yes. Sounds about right,” Dwayne said, eyeing Granny suspiciously.

  “Fine. I’ll do it,” she announced.

  “Nope,” I said, getting up in her face. “You will do no such thing. I’ve already watched you almost die once. Not in the mood to see it happen again.”

  Granny laughed and kissed the tip of my nose. “Who else is gonna do it, girlie? All the rest of you are mated to Weres—Alpha Weres. Even if you were to pretend to belong to another male, all Hell would break loose—pun very much intended.”

  “Dangit, Bobbie Sue has a point,” Junior lamented. “I wouldn’t be able to control myself if the Whore put his hands on my Sandy.”

  The tension was again rolling off of everyone.

  Granny was correct. However, it went both ways. I’d gut another woman who touched Hank—even if I knew it wasn’t real. Mated Weres were almost psychotically possessive… both male and female.

  Granny shrugged as she stared at me. “So, I win. I’m not mated. Still have nice hooters though—even if the right one is slightly bigger than the left—and it’s damned hard to kill me now that I’m undead.” Granny raised her arms over her head in victory.

  “I don’t like this,” Dwayne said, hesitantly. “But I also don’t disagree.”

  “Granny will never be left alone with Belphegor,” I insisted.

  “Belphegor would never harm a hair on her head,” Dwayne said with complete conviction. “He’s not a fighter.”

  “But he’s a Demon,” Hank said, narrowing his eyes at Dwayne. “That’s what Demons do.”

  “Normally, I’d agree with you,” Dwayne admitted. “But not this time. Belphegor is basically a failure as a Demon. He’s gay. He adores puppies—most Demons eat them. He loves Barbra Streisand and has a fabulous fashion sense—unlike most Demons.”

  “Why haven’t the Demons eliminated him?” Dima asked the logical next question.

  “Because he’s valuable,” Dwayne explained. “One of the very few who can raise the dead.”

  “So then they all know he’s gay?” I asked.

  Dwayne nodded. “Everyone knows Belphegor is gay.”

  “But not his pappy?”

  “Well, yes and no. Belphie was sent to conversion therapy in Hell to become straight,” Dwayne said with a snort of disgust that was echoed by all in attendance. “His pappy thinks he’s cured.”

  “Well, I can’t even imagine conversion therapy in Hell,” Sadie snarled. “What kind of parent would do that to a child—even an evil, raise the dead kind of child?”

  “A very bad parent,” Granny said with a sad shake of her head. “We can make this work for Bel the Whore. I know we can. It’s just a simple matter of not getting anyone killed by Weiner Hooch. Stakes are high, boys and girls. We have a Jazz Cabbage shit show of our own happening. The risk of being exposed to the humans is no joke. If the Whore can help us, we can help him.”

  “I seriously don’t know how you made that make sense, old woman,” I said, squinting my eyes at her. “But you did.”

  “ʼCause I’m brilliant,” she shot back with a cackle of glee.

  “And I love you,” Dwayne said, hugging Granny close. “You are my hero.”

  “I love your dead ass too,” she said and gave Dwayne a kiss on the cheek. “I’d say we get moving on the plans now. Essie, I believe you have some sphincters to elongate.”

  “I’d suggest everyone go home and get laid tonight. Tomorrow is a new day that I’m not entirely sure any of us will live through,” Dwayne advised.

  I wanted to laugh, but it got stuck in my throat. Shit was going to get serious, fast… like it wasn’t already serious. “On that lovely note, I have to go to Chicago to tear up some butts.”

  “I’m with you,” Hank said.

  “We can fly you there in an hour,” Dima said.

  “It would be our pleasure,” Nicolai said with a small bow and a wink. “I’d quite enjoy seeing Essie in action with the Bobs.”

  Hank nodded gratefully to our Dragon friends.

  Junior raised his hand as Sandy tried to yank it back down. Her adorable face was bright pink and she was not happy with her mate.

  “Yes, Junior?” Hank asked.

  “I’m in for all of the shit. However, I want Sandy out of it.”

  “Why’s that?” Dima raised her brow at Junior as she limbered up to shift to her Dragon. “You think she’s not tough enough? Because if that’s the case you’ve got another thing coming, mister.”

  “It’s not that,” Sandy assured everyone, still blushing. “We were going to wait… but…”

  “But what?” I asked, now getting worried that something was wrong with one of my favorite people in the world. “Are you okay?”

  Junior’s grin was as wide as it could get without cracking his face in two. “In the midst of some bad shee-ot going down with our people, I want to announce my gal is a miracle with great hooters. And… she’s knocked up. My swimmers are some powerful motherhumpers! We’re gonna have a baby Werewolf.”

  “Oh my God,” Sadie squealed with delight.
“I’m going to be a grandma—no… a Mimi! I shall be called Mimi—sounds younger. I will be the most stylish Mimi alive.”

  Sandy’s look of horror as Sadie basically tackle-hugged her and kissed her made me laugh. We were both terrified of our mother-in-law and with good reason. Of course, Sandy was now winning the daughter-in-law game since she was pregnant. Hank and I would get there eventually, but I wasn’t ready quite yet.

  It amazed me that with all the bad in the world we’d witnesses lately, and with what was on the horizon, that there were still things which reminded me the life was precious and beautiful. It was all the more reason to go ahead with the insane plan we were hatching.

  Hank slapped his brother on the back and hugged Sandy. “I agree with Sandy being no part of the physical fight if there is one, but there’s a piece of the puzzle that I hope both of you can solve.”

  “Shoot,” Sandy said, still slightly pink in the face.

  “None of the dead Weres have been reported missing,” I explained, realizing where Hank’s line of thought was headed. “Can you and Junior do some research and see if you can find anything?”

  “Any stats?” Sandy asked.

  “Only what the Bobs have given us—crime scene photos, dates, approximate times. We’ll get the briefcase to you,” I told them.

  “Locations?” Sandy pulled her laptop out again and began typing.

  “Georgia twice. Tennessee twice. Texas one time and once in Chicago. Very random,” Hank said.

  “Maybe or maybe not,” Junior said, looking over Sandy’s shoulder. “Is this a legal search or can we play iffy?”

  “Iffy is completely acceptable,” I said, thinking about how I was about to rip into the Bobs for omitting intel. “And hacking into the WTF database is more than okay. I think they know more than they’ve told us.”

  “On it,” Sandy said with a naughty gleam in her eyes.

  My buddy was a hacker extraordinaire. Junior and Sandy together were just about as good as it got as far as digging up anything in the cyber world. If there was even a trace of scandal or info, they could unearth it… or they could create it.

  “So how are we going to play it tomorrow when the Demons arrive?” Sadie asked.

  It was a great question and needed to be dealt with before we all separated.

  “A party,” my mother said quietly. “We will have an intimate party to celebrate Junior and Sandy’s beautiful news.”

  “That way we will all be present when Bobbie Sue is pretending to be Belphegor’s girlfriend,” my father added. “It will be safer.”

  Like I said… my parents might not talk much, but when they did? It was freakin’ brilliant.

  “I’ll host,” Sadie insisted, wildly excited.

  My mother-in-law lived to throw parties.

  “What shall I serve?”

  “Not puppies,” I mumbled on a gag. “Just don’t serve puppies.”

  Chapter Four

  Sadly, Hank’s excitement was not contagious. I wasn’t crazy about airplanes. Flying on the back of a Dragon was about twenty times more unnerving.

  “I’ve wanted to ride a Dragon since I was a kid,” Hank said as we watched Dima and Nicolai prepare to shift.

  “Me too,” I lied, feeling queasy. Honestly, I would have preferred to drive but time was of the essence. And we didn’t have time.

  “Goddamned amazing,” Hank whispered in awe.

  He was correct. It was. However, I still wanted to drive. I was no one’s weenie, but we were talking Dragons here. Huge Dragons.

  Magic filled the air and iridescent sparkles rained down from the sky. It was mesmerizing and beautiful. It was also slightly terrifying.

  My gorgeous red-headed buddy was now a sparkling golden Dragon roughly the size of an enormous freakin’ tour bus. Her tail was as long as half a football field and she had the wingspan of a couple of SUV’s parked back to back. Tendrils of glittering pink and peach smoke wafted from her nose. If she wasn’t one of my closest friends, I would have shifted to my wolf and run like the Devil himself was on my heels.

  “I really hope she’s smiling at us,” Hank said with a chuckle as Dima revealed a row of massive and very sharp teeth.

  Her giggle of delight rocked the ground underneath us. I grabbed Hank so I didn’t hit the deck.

  “My turn,” Nicolai said, stripping out of his clothes as shimmering black smoke engulfed his strong body.

  “Are you checking out his ass?” Hank asked with a raised brow and a grin.

  “Nope,” I shot back with a laugh, patting his very fine butt. “Your crazy ass is about all I can handle.”

  “Good. Keep it that way,” Hank ordered.

  “Back at ya,” I said with a wink.

  For Weres—all kinds—nudity wasn’t sexual. Well, unless it was your mate. For us, nudity was part of life and I found all bodies beautiful and magical.

  Nicolai’s Dragon was ginormous. He was sleek and jet-black with silver markings that twinkled like diamonds in the sunshine. His wingspan was twice Dima’s. I was seriously glad that we’d chosen to meet on the expansive Wilson property. Dragons needed a hell of a lot of room to shift.

  Nicolai eyed us with amusement as we craned our necks to look up at him. Silver smoke drifted ominously from of his snout and his eyes glowed a brilliant green.

  “Ready?” he asked in a voice that was clearly recognizable as his, yet a whole lot louder and deeper.

  “Nope,” I said, shielding my eyes from the sun and all the shiny magic. “But that’s never stopped me yet.”

  “That’s my girl,” Hank said as he planted a quick kiss on my lips and then climbed aboard Nicolai.

  “Hop on, Wolf,” Dima said with another giggle that knocked me on my butt.

  “You did that on purpose, Dragon,” I accused her with a grin and a raised middle finger.

  “Yep.”

  “You suck,” I muttered as I sprinted up her wing and settled myself on her massive back. “Do you have something I can hold onto? Falling out of the sky isn’t really in the plan. You feel me?”

  With a quick and graceful flick of her massive tail, both Hank and I were secured to their backs with silky silver and gold ropes.

  “Wait,” I said, running my hands over my smooth bindings. “Is this really going to hold us?”

  “Absolutely,” Nicolai confirmed. “The ropes are alive, so to speak. They know to keep you safe… even if we fly upside down.”

  “Don’t even think about it, Dragon Boy,” I snapped. “Payback is a bitch.”

  “I’ll keep that in mind,” he replied with a snort of laughter as he shot off the ground like a bullet.

  “Hang on,” Dima shouted as she too took to the air with glee.

  Hank was whooping it up like he was on a fabulous roller coaster ride at a freakin’ amusement park.

  I, on the other hand, was chatting up a storm with my live ropes making sure we were on really, really, really good terms.

  The flight on the Dragon’s backs had been both quick and hellacious. I was sure my skin had a greenish tint to it and that my innards had shifted. Dima’s power was insane. She was able to cloak us in invisibility for the entire trip. Not one human was aware that we’d landed right in the middle of Michigan Avenue in broad daylight.

  Hank’s appearance had fared much better than mine. He looked like he’d just walked off a GQ photo shoot where they’d used a few fans on him for a sexy windblown look. He was laughing and slapping Nicolai on the back. Me? I looked like I’d been through the dryer cycle on high… with a bunch of cats thrown in for fun. I was a freakin’ mess.

  However, we were here and all in one piece. They’d only flown upside down twice. I’d kept my terrified mind occupied by developing my own evil plans to get even. Dima was seriously lucky I hadn’t puked on her back.

  “Question,” Dima said as she watched me twist my long, wild, brown hair into a messy bun.

  “Ask,” I said to Dima.

  “Did you call
ahead or is this a surprise visit?”

  “Total surprise,” I said with a smile, checking myself out in a store window. Thankfully, I didn’t look as horrible as I felt. Airsickness had a whole new meaning when it came to riding Dragons. “Never give the enemy time to prepare.”

  Dima grinned and checked her weapons. “I like your style, girlfriend.”

  I felt for the dagger hidden in the back of my pants. Check. I had a revolver tucked into my combat boots and a stun gun in my jacket pocket. Hopefully, we wouldn’t need weapons. We were going into Hank’s and my place of work after all. But right now? Right now, I didn’t trust the Bobs as far as I could throw them.

  “What’s the plan?” Hank asked as he copped a quick feel of my butt.

  “We’re gonna wing it,” I replied, returning the favor.

  “I’m good with that,” Nicolai said, grinning. “However, I think we should split up. Dima and I will find Seth and see if he knows anything valuable. You take the Bobs. However, if you are going to disembowel them, please text me first.”

  Nicolai was a violent bastard and I was glad we were on the same side. Seth was his brother and a seer. After the Dragon King was put out of everyone’s misery, Seth was asked to join the Council. It was the first time in history that a Dragon Shifter was helping to govern. It was about time too.

  “That’s a plan,” Hank said, holding open the thick glass front door of the building. “Let’s do this.”

  Security, in the form of Werewolves armed to the nth degree, greeted us as we entered. Since Hank and I were on the Council, we breezed right through with our Dragon guests. The guards had given the side eye to both Dima and Nicolai. However, the glare I shot them kept them from uttering a word.

  “You da man,” Dima said, impressed as we went through a second set of doors.

  “Nope.” Hank shook his head and grinned. “She’s the wo-man. The woman every single person in the building is terrified of. My baby has balls bigger than any idiot in here.”

  “Are you terrified of my balls?” I asked a still grinning Hank.

  “I think your balls are hot.”

  “Mmkay,” Dima said with an eye roll. “Before this degenerates into something that’s going to send me to therapy, let’s split up and get this shit done.”