Peterman_SwitchHour_Gen_Nov2015 Read online

  "Ooookay," I said as I grabbed some barely-there undies, jeans and a t-shirt and made my way to the bathroom. He was going to have limited supplies considering all we had was ice cream, frozen pizza and canned spaghetti. "Good luck with that."

  ***

  "Hey Fabio, I am lookin' good today," I sang as I ran down the stairs in my new fabu ensemble. I still felt a little bad about keeping the clothes, but one glance in the mirror and I shoved that guilt to the compartment in my head I called "denial".

  The smell of bacon and eggs wafted from the kitchen. Craptastic, did he rob a grocery store too? We were going to have to talk. Magic was one thing, but bad credit cards were another.

  "Cooooome and eattttttttt," he yelled from the kitchen.

  We'd talk later. My stomach was empty and my mouth was watering.

  "Dude, I…" I stopped short and stared in shock. Seated around the table and eating off of china were my zoo friends. WTF? The skunk, bear, deer, beaver, mamma raccoon and baby raccoon all slurped happily from plates. This was so not happening.

  "Um...no. This is not good. Animals do not sit at the table and eat bacon and eggs."

  "And paaaancakes," Fabio added.

  "Not helping, cat. We'll discuss where you got the ingredients later," I snapped as I tried to pull the bear out of his chair. I wondered briefly if Fabio had gone back to the grocery and if Hot Ass Guy had been there. No time to think about sex when I had a fuzzy menagerie in my kitchen. The damn bear had to weigh five hundred pounds and was going nowhere fast.

  What was I thinking? And why wasn't I afraid of these intruders?

  They all started yipping at once. I pinched the bridge of my nose and exhaled a loud breath. My body started to glow. I knew I was seconds away from incinerating the house. Worst of all, I was almost positive I was hearing actual words amidst the noise.

  "Enough," I shouted and sat down next to the bear. "You guys are supposed to live in the fucking wild," I explained. "Not in my house."

  I noticed I'd missed a few wounds on the bear and beaver. Maybe if I fixed them all up they would go.

  "You're noooot being veeery hospitable," Fabio chastised me.

  I groaned and banged my head on the table. "Okay, here's the deal. Finish your breakfast and then I'll do a little voodoo on your wounds and then you'll leave. And if any of you even chip a piece of china I will shove it up your ass. Understood?"

  They all nodded happily and went back to their meals. Fucked up had just become my new normal.

  "Uh ohhhhhh, I smell old laaaaady crouch," Fabio hissed.

  "What?" I choked out as a large piece of pancake lodged in my throat. "You know what old lady crouch is?"

  "Doesn't everyoooone?" he asked.

  He was definitely my cat.

  "Is it here?" I sniffed the air as I stood and started yanking animals from their chairs.

  "Incooooooming. I'd say about ten minutes till shooowdown."

  "Shit," I shouted. "You dudes need to skedaddle."

  "Zeeeelda, they're injured. Weeee can't put them out," the damn cat reasoned.

  He was correct and I was an ass. I had no clue why, but I didn't want Baba Yogo and her entourage to see a National Geographic show in Aunt Hildy's kitchen. They already thought I was partially unhinged. This would prove it. "You all will hide in the…"

  "Baaaasement?" Fabio volunteered.

  "Yes, the basement. Follow me."

  Hustling the zoo to the basement took approximately three minutes. The bastards could move and they seemed to know their way. They all grabbed blankets and pillows and went to cages.

  "Um, you guys don't have to get into those things. You can just hang out and you know, play or something. Quietly," I added.

  They either didn't understand, which I found hard to believe, or they were just ignoring me. Whatever. If they wanted to sleep in the kennels who was I to complain? Everyone laid down and snuggled into their blankets except the bear—who squatted.

  No freakin' way. I marched over to his cage and got up in his face. "This is not the woods and you are not going to take a shit. Do you understand me?"

  He shrugged, grunted and flopped onto his back. If he took a dump he was going to eat it. Period.

  "I'll be back as soon as I get rid of Baba Yomamma and her warlock buddies. Stay here and don't make noise."

  I ran back to the kitchen to clean up the evidence of the breakfast, but Fabio was two steps ahead of me. He'd cleaned the kitchen and was now cleaning his nuts. I looked away and let him have at it. He did warn me so I supposed he deserved a little cleansing time.

  "Hello, Zelda," Baba Yaga purred as she and her idiot cronies appeared in a cloud of crouch smoke.

  "Baba Yaga," I muttered and gave her a quick hug. She was sporting a sparkly green spandex body suit and a blue sequined headband. Someday I was going to have to do a style intervention, but today was not that day. Her eyes roved over me and my stomach clenched in terror. Crap, I was wearing designer duds. "I didn't do it," I shouted frantically. "Fabio thought I looked shitty in orange, which I do, and he wanted me to have something decent to wear so he went to Paris and…"

  "Your familiar went to Paris without you?" a little crinkly warlock demanded in a nasty tone. "Impossible."

  "He did," I insisted. I was not going back to jail for a crime I didn't commit. "I'm guessing since he rose from the dead, he's developed wondrous, mindboggling, kick ass super powers. "

  Everyone looked over at my cat who was getting down on his balls.

  "And clearly a need for squeaky-clean genitals," I mumbled as the entourage gaped in disgust.

  Fabio, uncaring that his grooming was being watched, looked up, yawned and coughed up a mother of a hairball. I couldn't have been prouder if he was my own child. The gasps and appalled huffs were music to my ears. I knew Baba and her bunch weren't long for my house. My cat was awesome.

  "Well, Zelda, he's quite a charmer," Baba Yaga noted dryly. She tossed her hair, which she'd had cut into a heinous mullet right out of the 80's as she wandered the room and examined the knickknacks. "Have you noticed anything unusual here?"

  "Um… define unusual."

  She eyed me critically and then gently began to pet a very happy Fabio. "You tell me. Anything odd? Ghosts? Attacks? Waves of strange magic? Fairies or Vampires? Love?"

  "No. Nothing like that," I answered, relieved. Crap, was that what was coming? And how exactly did love fit into that fucked-up mix? "Is that what my mission involves?"

  "I certainly hope not," she said as she rounded up the arrogant warlocks to make her always dramatic exit. "You seem to be doing well. I shall leave you to your duties."

  "Wait," I shouted. Everyone froze and tense magic swirled through the room. Yelling at three-hundred-year-old witches and warlocks clearly wasn't the norm. "Do you want to give me any hints?"

  Baba Yaga approached me and I shrank a little. What kind of idiot was I? Baba Yogicrazy could turn me into a goo pile with a flick of her pinkie. She placed her manicured hand on my face and looked me right in the eye. "You will be fine, Zelda. I believe in you."

  With that she puffed away and left me more confused than ever. She believed in me? She was smoking crack. No one believed in me. Not even me.

  "Sheeeeee is an odd oooone," Fabio volunteered.

  "What was that about?" I asked. "That visit was totally random. I still don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do. If I get turned back into a mortal because no one gave me a direction sheet I will be…"

  "Aaangry?"

  "Worse," I said as I searched for the appropriate word.

  "Pissssssed?" Fabio guessed.

  "Closer," I muttered. "But not quite strong enough."

  "Fuuuuucking furious enough tooooo take the wooorld by its balllllls and twist until it screeeamms uncle or explooodes?"

  I was speechless for seven seconds while I processed what my cat had just offered up. "Yes. That is correct. Thank you."

  "Noooo problem."

  "Ooooka
y, on that note I'm going to the basement to fix up some hairy freaks and then kick their asses out. You want to come?" I asked Fabio.

  "Nooooooo, I'll let youuuu handle it on youur oooown."

  Chapter 6

  I expected the bear to have pooped a mountain and all hell to have broken loose in the basement. I was wrong—so very wrong. For a brief moment I considered screaming, then I contemplated transporting the hell out of West Virginia. Finally I weighed how stupid it would be to blow up the house and call it a day. In the end curiosity won out.

  "Um, where is my zoo and who in the hell are you naked people?" The cages were now filled with two stark naked women, three nude men and a beautiful little boy who couldn't have been more than four. And they all started talking at once.

  I was able to make out the words Hildy, new one, Shifter wars and I have to go to the can. They were Shifters? What in the hell did Shifters want with me?

  "Shut up!" I shouted. They went silent and waited. "One at a time you will tell me your name and what happened to you—then I will hold a short press conference to either answer your questions truthfully or lie if I don't know the answer. I will then attempt to do a little magic juju on you to fix up your booboos, and you will all go home to your pack or tribe or gaggle. Clear?"

  "My name is Chuck," the now human bear said in a deep gravelly voice. "I really have to take a crap and would greatly appreciate the use of your facilities. Now."

  "What happened to you?" I asked as I ransacked the bins of clothes and threw him the largest pair of pants I could find. The dude was freakin' huge and seriously good looking. He had to be at least seven feet tall.

  "Turf war with the panthers. Bathroom?" he grunted.

  "Upstairs on the left. If you clog the toilet I'll smite your ass."

  "Got it," he said as he took the stairs three at a time.

  "You." I pointed at what used to be the beaver as I tossed him some clothes. He was short and muscular and had a hairline that started right above his nose. That was unfortunate and I wondered if he'd ever thought about electrolysis. "Story."

  "My name is Bob," he said in a soft voice. That would be easy to remember… Bob the beaver. "My shoal was attacked by coyotes and my alpha was killed. We are scattered in caves and gullies along the river. I need healing and then I need to get back to my people. Please."

  "Um… sure," I said. Bob beamed and dropped to his knees in gratitude. "Let me just get everyone's names and then I'll, you know, give you a tune up. Cool?"

  He nodded and got to his feet.

  "My name is Deedee," the very naked and very pretty deer shifter told me. Her huge hazel eyes filled with tears as she went on. "My herd has been dwindling for a while and my mate was killed by mortal hunters for sport. We hid and buried his body, but we are relocating. I am wounded and unable to make the trip. That is why I am here, your grace."

  "It's Zelda," I corrected her.

  "She was bestowing you with a complimentary title to butter you up," a wiry little dude sporting a shock of black hair with a white stripe down the middle informed me.

  "Yes, well, I am not grace or graceful or even all that nice, so Zelda will do," I snapped, a little embarrassed that the honor flew right over my head. "You're the skunk."

  "Yes." He grinned and I had to bite back a giggle. He was cute and bizarre and if he didn't blow stinkbombs out of his butt, we could have been friends. "My name is Simon and I'm not actually injured at all. I was just ensuring a safe passage for Wanda and BoboBabyBoy."

  "Mmmmkay."

  I glanced over at what I assumed was the mother raccoon and her baby. Damn it to hell he was cute, but what a name.

  "I'm sorry, what's his name?" I asked, sure I'd misunderstood.

  "It's BoboBabyBoy," Wanda said as she stroked the small, beautiful child's hair.

  "Is that all one word?"

  "Yes, of course." She smiled and nodded.

  "Wow, you do realize he's going to get his ass kicked in school with a name like that."

  "BoboBabyBoy is an alpha," she explained, as if that negated the most redonkulous name I'd ever heard.

  "That's great and all, but he's still going to get his butt handed to him at least three times a week and six times on the weekends," I told her.

  Wanda's eyes grew wide and she pulled BoboBabyBoy close. She was seconds away from bursting into tears. Fuck, I needed to learn tact, but feared it was far too late for me to develop any social skills.

  "What's his real name?" I asked, praying to the Goddess it wasn't BoboBabyBoy.

  "Beauregard."

  Damn… not much better. "Why don't you call him Bo? It's strong and no one will want a piece of a raccoon alpha named Bo." At least I didn't think they would.

  Wanda glanced around at the other Shifters who nodded in agreement. "Do you think that would work?" she asked me, still clutching the boy to her.

  "I do."

  "Then we shall call him Bo." She leaned down and kissed and hugged the little boy lovingly. I felt a burning pang of jealously settle in my gut. My mother had barely touched me. Ever.

  Turning away from something I couldn't relate to, I got back to the matter at hand.

  "Do you have a plunger?" Chuck the bear called from the top of the stairs.

  "Are you serious?" I shouted. He was now my enemy. It didn't matter how handsome he was.

  "Nahhhhh." He laughed as he loped back to the group. "Just screwing with ya."

  I rolled my eyes and took in the motley crew. They were injured and they looked weak and tired. "I'm guessing my Aunt Hildy used to fix you hairy bastards up?"

  "She was the Shifter Whisperer," Deedee said reverently. "And now you are."

  "Nope, I'm just here for a month, so I don't get put back in the pokey or turned into a mortal. I am not the Shifter Whipper."

  "Whisperer," Little Bo said in an adorable voice.

  I wanted to squeeze him. Hard.

  "Whipper, whisperer, whatever… it's not me. I'm a materialistic witch who isn't even crazy about animals. Sooooo I am not your gal."

  "This is the new Shifter Whisperer?" Bob demanded in a disgusted voice. "Worthless," he muttered under his breath.

  "Bob, while I kind of understand your disappointment, if you're an assbucket I won't heal you and I might even lower your hair line by an inch or two."

  I smiled and hopped up on the metal table. Bob the beaver gasped and moved behind Chuck the bear.

  "Now line up and get ready to be zapped."

  Quickly they all began to strip out of the clothes I'd just given them. WTF? As soon as they were in the buff they all shifted back to their animal form except for Simon the buttbomb maker.

  "Is there a reason we need to be in zoo form for healing?" I asked the one uninjured member of the fur pack.

  "Oh yes, you'll be able to communicate much better with them in their shifted forms," Simon explained and hopped up on the table next to me.

  "And more importantly, is there a reason you're buck ass naked?"

  I stared at the ceiling and prayed I didn't accidentally on purpose smite all the annoying species in my basement.

  "Whoops." He giggled and re-dressed himself.

  "Who's first?" I asked as I rolled my neck and popped my knuckles. I could do this. Healing had always come easily to me. I tended not to let people know because I didn't want to have to deal with it. My mom couldn't heal a flea and I spent most of my childhood fixing her every ache and pain. Did this make her love me? No. Would I do it over? Probably. Pathetic and in need of a mommy didn't make for well-adjusted adults.

  Deedee the deer stepped forward and stared at me intently. Her head swung gracefully from left to right and her eyes never left mine for a moment.

  "What the hell is she doing?" I asked Simon.

  "Talking to you. Listen."

  "I already told you dumbasses I am not the Shifter Whisperer. I am Zelda the slightly unstable and selfish witch. You're going to have to interpret for her or we're all up shit's creek
."

  "Listen," Simon insisted. "Open your pea brain and listen."

  "You're a dick," I told him. "I said I was selfish, not stupid."

  "My bad. Listen. Please."

  I rolled my eyes and closed them. These Shifters were nuts. They were asking me to be someone I wasn't.

  I listened.

  Nothing.

  I listened harder.

  Nothing.

  "I can't do this," I said. "I don't hear anything. I'm sorry."

  The group looked at me in confusion. I shrugged and got up to leave. I was sick and tired of being a disappointment to everyone. Maybe being a mortal was the answer.

  "You're her niece," Simon said. "You have her blood."

  "Who? Hildy?" I stopped and turned back. "I don't know if I'm really her niece. I didn't even know she existed till the other day. There is no proof. None. I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have the wrong gal."

  "No," Simon yelled, startling me. "You look just like her and we feel your magic. You. Are. The. Shifter. Whisperer."

  "No," I shot back. "I. Am. Zelda. The. Fuck. Up."

  I was done. I didn't even care if Baba Yaga sent me back to the pokey. I didn't glance back as I made my way to the stairs. I couldn't. I'd find Fabio a witch that would be good to him and overlook his crotch goblin habit. I'd drive the ugly green piece of crap right back to Salem, check myself back into jail and wait for Halloween and my mortal status. I would mope and watch TV. Good plan.

  "You really are the Shifter Whisperer. You have to believe… we do," a female voice implored.

  I jerked to a stop and whipped around. "Who said that?" I demanded, looking around for a woman not in furry form.

  "I did," DeeDee the damn deer said. "And you heard me."

  I did. I didn't want to, but I did. They all knew it evidenced by the hopping around and peeing on the walls.

  "Absolutely not," I yelled at Chuck, who had peed on the wall and looked suspiciously like he was going to add a dump to that. "Yes, I heard you, but if you defecate in my house I will ignore all of you. Permanently."

  The ruckus stopped and the animals shivered in anticipation. Fuckityfuckfuck, now what was I supposed to do?

  "My injuries are in my front left leg," DeeDee told me. It was odd. Her mouth didn't move like Fabio's did when he spoke. It was like a weird mindmeld thing. Very Star Trek. "I think it's fractured."