Three's A Charm : Magic and Mayhem Book Six Page 5

  “I’d offer to iron it, but I blasted that motherhumpin’ piece of metal straight to hell,” Sassy announced. “I was ironing the boy’s underpants and my phone rang. I went to answer it because Jeeves usually calls during his lunch break and we have phone sex. Well, wouldn’t you just fucking know, I answered the iron and singed off half the hair on my head.”

  “Should I gag her?” I muttered, shaking my head and trying not to laugh.

  “No,” Baba Yaga said quickly. “If she overshares one more time, I want the honor. Sassy, a wrinkle is a time warp of sorts. One can hide in them. It’s how Marge stayed hidden for years and now something hideous has figured out how to use them.”

  “Like Demons?’ Sassy asked. “Those assbags are certainly hideous—Japanese word for those of you wondering.”

  “Hideous is Japanese?” Bermagoggleshitz asked, baffled.

  “No,” Sassy told her dumbfounded father. “Assbag is Japanese.”

  Always good for her word, Baba Yaga flicked her fingers and covered Sassy’s mouth with glittering duct tape. Then there was about twenty-two seconds of silence while we tried to remember what we’d actually been talking about. Marge got there first.

  “Demons are using wrinkles to come to Earth?” Marge asked, appalled but getting us back on track.

  Bermangoggleshitz growled and his one still ugly eye glowed red. “The Demons are back?”

  “We kicked those fuckers back to hell,” I said with a shudder. All I needed right now was to have to deal with the underworld while I was a menace to my own world.

  “No,” Baba Yaga said, shaking her head slowly. “Not Demons. However, I’m not quite sure who or what it is, but they’re using the wrinkles for nefarious purposes. I plan to find the culprits and destroy them.”

  “I’m coming with you,” Marge said. “I understand wrinkles better than most.”

  Baba Yaga shook her head again and kissed her sister’s cheek. “You’re needed here. You will stay.”

  “I don’t like this,” Mac said through clenched teeth. “Do you think it might be Vampires?”

  “Possibly, but trust me… I will take care of it and it won’t be pretty. I have a sneaking suspicion it might be a little closer to home than expected. No worries. I’ve got it under control,” Baba Yaga said in a tone that made me believe every word she said.

  “Closer to home?” Marge pressed. “Whose home? Do you know more?”

  Baba Yaga shrugged and gave her sister a terse smile. “Just a hunch. So,” she went on turning from scary witch to cruise director on a dime. “We shall leave Marge and Roy to get reacquainted and you people will reconvene tomorrow at nine AM sharp.”

  Marge said nothing, but if the venomous glare she shot at Roy was anything to go by I actually felt a little sorry for him. Cookie Witch didn’t suffer fools gladly.

  I was pretty sure Bermangoggleshitz was a fool.

  Thankfully, not my problem.

  Well, at least not till tomorrow morning…

  Chapter Seven

  “Oh my Goddess,” I screeched as I spied Fabio and my babies tearing toward us through the woods at a fast clip. Henry and Audrey were in wolf form and Fabio was huffing and puffing trying to keep up with them. “Something’s wrong.”

  We’d left Marge and Roy just as Marge was drawing a line with permanent marker across the lobby of my office—delineating her side from his. It was going to take some work to restore my beautiful office once we were done with Bermangoggleshitz.

  However, my worries about my office could wait. My kids and dad came first.

  “What happened?” Mac demanded, scooping Henry and Audrey into his arms and holding them tight.

  “You have an indoor pool,” Fabio said breathlessly, trying not to laugh.

  He failed.

  “No we don’t,” I said.

  “Could have fooled me.”

  I got a horrible sinking feeling in my stomach. I wasn’t exactly sure what I’d done, but I was positive it wasn’t good.

  “Actually,” Fabio continued. “It’s more like a massive, indoor, floor-to-ceiling tub—all bubbly and strangely minty fresh.”

  “Shit,” I screamed and then slapped my hand over my potty mouth. I really hoped Henry and Audrey’s first word wasn’t shit…

  “Goddess in plaid gauchos,” Sassy echoed my horror. “I forgot to turn off the sink in the laundry room. I am sooooooo sorry.”

  I started to laugh. If I didn’t laugh, I would cry. Sassy and I were epic fails in the domestic department.

  “It’s okay. It’s my fault too,” I said, shaking my head.

  “No, it’s my fault,” Sassy said. “I take full responsibility and I’ll clean it up—by hand—since I gave up magic for a few-ish days. I’ll also return the Birkin bags I legally took from your closet. You didn’t hide that new one very well.”

  “No,” Mac said so loudly, we all jumped. “No. While the sentiment is lovely, the reality is horrifying. I’ll call a few friends and we’ll get it cleaned up.”

  “You found the tan Birkin?” I asked, surprised.

  She nodded and smirked. “I can sniff out a Birkin within five miles.”

  “Damn, you’re good.”

  “I know. Right?” Sassy giggled and bowed.

  “How about this?” Fabio suggested. “I’ll use a little voodoo and clean up the catastrophe if Zelda and Sassy promise not to touch anything electrical or anything that has plumbing attached to it.”

  Sassy raised her hand and waited patiently to be called on.

  “Sassy?” Fabio asked with a slight wince. “Do you have a question?”

  “I do. What about vibrators?”

  Fabio looked pained. Mac looked up to the Heavens and appeared to be praying for strength and my babies giggled. I hoped like hell they couldn’t understand what numbnuts had just asked.

  “Umm… how about we just lay off everything electronic for a few days,” Fabio suggested gamely.

  “Will do,” Sassy said with a salute to my dad. “Jeeves might be a little put out because…”

  “TMI,” I shouted. “That is entirely too much information, Sassy.”

  “My bad.”

  “Okay, anymore questions?” Fabio asked with a hint of fear in his voice.

  Sassy raised her hand again and we all ignored it.

  “Great! No more questions,” Fabio said, studiously examining his fingernails. “No electronics. No plumbing. No indoor swimming pools.”

  “I can work with that,” I replied sheepishly. “But the house will be a mess.”

  “Messes are fine,” Mac said, kissing the top of my head. “I really don’t want to have to replace our home.”

  “Can I use my cell phone?” Sassy asked.

  “You don’t have one anymore,” I reminded her.

  “Right,” she said, slapping her forehead. “Problem solved.”

  “So what’s the plan?” Fabio inquired as we began to make our way back to our flooded abode.

  “We start training with Bermangogglesnot tomorrow morning. Marge is staying with the freak at my office and your gal pal left to take care of a wrinkle issue,” I told my dad.

  “Interesting. I shall have to talk with my gal pal. Don’t like her conquering the world on her own,” he replied, tilting his handsome head and taking the information in. “Marge was probably thrilled about staying with her old flame.”

  Mac laughed. “Understatement. Roy’s gonna be lucky to leave Assjacket with his balls in one piece.”

  “Not a problem,” Sassy chimed in as she did a cartwheel and landed on her ass, much to my children’s delight. “Zelda can give him ten before he goes home.”

  “Goddess in a tutu and Crocs,” I groused. “I’m never gonna live Roger’s enhancement down.”

  “Nope,” Fabio replied with a wide grin. “You’ve given us ammunition for centuries.”

  Just. Fucking. Awesome.

  I just prayed to the Goddess that Bermangogglebutthole could teach me to c
ontrol my dark magic quickly so I didn’t have to live down any other horrid magical mishap.

  The genitals of Assjacket couldn’t take it.

  “They’re asleep,” I whispered as I tiptoed into the great room and cuddled up next to Mac on the couch.

  “And the cats?” he questioned warily.

  “The kittens are asleep under the cribs and the obese idiots are in town playing poker with my dad.”

  Mac’s sigh of relief made me grin. He’d been a great sport about my fat felines living in his—I mean our house. They were lazy and ate a ton, but they also adored Henry and Audrey and protected them vigilantly. That was their only redeeming quality in Mac’s eyes, but it was a huge one so he put up with them.

  “It does smell kind of minty fresh in here,” I said, sniffing the air and sighing.

  “Because?” Mac prompted.

  “Umm… because I saw on Pinterest that toothpaste takes out grass stains.”

  “Seriously?”

  “Not sure,” I admitted. “I probably should have used Windex.”

  Mac closed his eyes and smiled. It was all kinds of sexy. Everything he did made my girlie parts tingle. The man could just breathe and I’d get turned on.

  He thought I was crazy and he was correct. However, my intentions were good. They didn’t used to be, but they were now. I had every reason to be good. Love and babies kind of did that to an uncaring materialistic witch.

  “Wanna get naked and play Goldilocks and the Three Bears?” I asked, running my hands over his broad chest.

  “Am I the Big Bad Wolf?”

  “Yes.”

  “Do I have to wear a Granny cap and little wire-rimmed glasses?”

  “Umm, no. I can’t use magic so I can’t conjure them up,” I told him sadly. “If I use magic, you might end up with a pentagon of badoinkadoinks.”

  “That would be interesting,” he said, pressing his forehead to mine and laughing. “I think I’m fine with one.”

  “You are more than fine with one,” I assured him, crawling on top of him and straddling my beautiful man.

  Pulling my cute little Prada dress over my head, I smiled coyly as Mac registered that I wasn’t wearing anything underneath.

  “You like?” I asked, running my hands over my body and loving the sound of his quick intake of breath.

  “I love.”

  “Wait,” I mumbled, alarmed. “I feel kind of naked.” My eyes were riveted to his gorgeous chest and I couldn’t raise them to meet his.

  “You are naked,” Mac pointed out with a sexy chuckle that made my girlie parts perk up substantially.

  “I know,” I replied with a giggle and an eye roll. “I meant I feel weird without magic. I can’t even whip up a costume for you.”

  “You’re not without magic,” Mac said, wrapping his arms around me and pulling my body flush with his. “Everything about you is magical. You’re my magic even without the spells.”

  “You just want to get in my pants,” I told him, loving the feel of his hard body pressed against my soft.

  “You’re not wearing pants.”

  “This is true,” I agreed with another giggle. “But I feel…”

  “Vulnerable?”

  “Yes.”

  Scared?”

  “Yes.”

  “Horny?”

  “Goddess, yesssssss.”

  “Then I think it’s high time we tried out magic-less sex. You feel me?” he asked, arching his hips and making sure I knew just how horny he was.

  “Kinda hard not to feel you… pun very much intended,” I shot back as my hands roamed his face and my fingertips traced his full lips. “However, you’re definitely overdressed for this party.”

  “I was hoping you might help me out with that.”

  Without even thinking, I raised my hands to magically remove his pants and shirt but he quickly grabbed them and pressed them to his heart.

  “No can do, my beautiful witch. You’re gonna have to do it the hard way… pun painfully intended,” he informed me with a sexy lopsided grin that made my breath hitch.

  My lady bits were singing a full scale Broadway musical and my nipples were standing at painful attention. Not to mention my heart was pounding so loudly in my chest, I was certain the noise would wake up the twins.

  “Are you gonna make me do all the work?” I inquired as my green eyes locked onto his sapphire blues.

  His eyes were hooded and his grin was positively carnal. “Yep.”

  “So damned bossy,” I muttered with a giggle and a feeling of freedom. “Stand up, werewolf.”

  “My pleasure, witch,” he shot back and stood to his full height.

  I removed his clothing slowly. It was like opening the very best present in the world. His smooth skin was hot to the touch and every delectable inch of him was rock hard. Maybe magic-less sex wouldn’t be so bad.

  We stood inches apart and stared at each other. It was all kinds of wildly erotic and I was unsure what to do next. Normally I’d zap us into the bedroom or set us up in some kind of awesome pornographic fairy tale with full on costumes and dialogue.

  Now? I was a little lost.

  Fortunately Mac had an awesome sense of direction and I was happily going along for the ride.

  “Oh my Goddess,” I gasped out as his hands grazed my sensitive breasts and he nipped at my neck.

  Returning the favor, I tried to memorize every muscle and nuance. The light sprinkling of dark hair on his chest tickled my breasts and I rubbed against him like a witch in heat. It was impossible to get close enough without crawling inside him.

  “Wait, can I get knocked up?” I asked narrowing my eyes and pausing.

  It wasn’t that I didn’t love my babies to distraction, I just wasn’t in the mood to eat peanut butter-pickle-pizza with hot sauce again anytime soon.

  “Not right now, baby,” he whispered in my ear sending sexy chills skittering up my spine. “Do you want top or bottom?” he inquired as his strong, calloused hands gripped my ass in a hold that made my brain short circuit.

  “I get to pick?” I giggled until he pressed the heel of his hand against my overheated lower region and pressed two fingers inside me. That’s when my grey matter shorted out completely.

  “I meant for round one. I want to taste every inch of you, but if I’m not inside of you in a matter of seconds, I think I’ll die.”

  A ball of heat uncoiled between my legs and I was fairly sure I was going to come from his words alone. “Don’t die. That would suck so bad. Besides you’re on laundry duty now that I’ve been banned from all things domestic.”

  “Excellent point,” he conceded as he gently pushed me down on the couch and took my mouth in a kiss that was equally as hot as sex—and trust me, sex with Mac was freakin’ hot.

  He tasted better than he smelled. I could have happily stayed lip-locked with him for the rest of my unnaturally long life. Of course that would be a little awkward with the kids and all. The sexy sounds coming from deep within his chest made it hard to breathe as I impatiently opened my legs to him.

  “Slow or fast?” he asked, his breathing as labored as mine.

  “Slow is for losers,” I hissed as he entered my very willing and ready body. He was huge, hard and all mine. Life was so dang good. “Oh my Goddess, I think you got bigger. Is that badoinkadoink gonna fit?”

  His decidedly masculine chuckle shot right through me and I writhed with delight beneath him. “The badoinkadoink will fit,” he assured me and pressed deeper inside. “We were made for each other.”

  “Thank the Goddess for that,” I said with a sigh of pleasure. My body softened and welcomed him in. “Enough chit chat. Do me.”

  “As you wish.”

  He sheathed himself inside me and I clamped around him like a vise. His lazy, sexy smile sent me into overdrive, along with a delicious feeling of fullness that straddled the line between pleasure and pain.

  “Oh my hell,” I gasped out and he stilled.

 
“You with me, baby?” he whispered in my ear.

  “Forever,” I whispered back, undulating my hips and feeling tingles all the way to my toes. “Pretty sure I requested that you do me. Get moving, buster.”

  His joyous bellow of laughter made me feel loved, safe and beautiful. How in the Goddess’s green Earth did I get so lucky?

  And then my werewolf did me. Oh my Goddess, how he did me. And I did him right back. His sinful mouth pulled into a sexy smirk as his strong body powered into mine. I was losing all rational thought and as always when we made love—had no clue where he began or I ended. This was so much more than sex. Love made sex almost unexplainable—perfect. It was life changing and just as amazing without magic.

  Who knew?

  Mac’s breathing grew more uneven and matched my own. His eyes blazed and his fangs dropped as our lovemaking grew wilder. I cried out at the erotic invasion of my body and soul and gave back as good as I was getting. The sensitivity was almost too much to handle. My entire body trembled as he took me like the animal he was… and I freakin' loved it.

  My need for him could be my undoing. My nails raked his back and my hips met every thrust with joyful abandon. I wanted to crawl inside him and stay. His face contorted, making him appear otherworldly gorgeous and the speed at which he moved became something that probably should have sent us to the Next Adventure.

  A deafening roar crashed through my head and my own screams of ecstasy were sure to wake the babies. However, the mantra being whispered in my ear was clear and as exciting as any words ever spoken.

  "Mine. You're mine," Mac repeated in rhythm with his thrusts.

  “And you’re mine," I told him on a ragged breath as my toes curled with passion.

  "Come. Now," he demanded.

  As much as I wanted to make this moment last forever I was no longer in control. This man—this wolf—owned me and I would give him whatever he wanted.

  I came. Again. Hard.

  Mac threw back his head and roared as he joined me, which sent my hooha into another violent orgasm. Colorful bursts of sparkles exploded behind my tightly closed eyes. I screamed so loudly I was sure the entirety of Assjacket would hear.

  “That was…” Mac said searching for the perfect word.