Fashionably Flawed: Book Nine, The Hot Damned Series Page 6

  Ignoring me, Astrid brushed Ethan’s hair from his brow and kissed him sweetly. “This is no joke and it’s not a game. I know in my gut he needs me,” she whispered.

  Ethan paused and stared hard at me. “You could truly be ended?”

  Shrugging off the feeling of unease that skittered up my spine, I smiled. “Eventually, all of us come to an end. However, my demise holds enormous consequence for humanity.”

  Gently pushing Astrid away, he moved and stood before me. He didn’t kneel, but he wasn’t under my jurisdiction. He had one of his own. Paltry compared to mine, but he was revered in his own right.

  “What did Fate say to you?” he asked.

  “Oh you know… this and that. Oh, and that I should embrace the darkness coming for me,” I quipped.

  “Is she implying you should walk willingly to your death?” Ethan voiced the very same thoughts I was having.

  “I’ve considered that. The only way to permanently end me is with the Sword of Death and I have to be agreeable to it or it won’t work. I’m not agreeable.”

  “Well, I would sure as Hell hope not,” Astrid snapped. “I mean, I wanted to kill you when you destroyed Christmas, but I wouldn’t have really done it.”

  “Thank you,” I replied with an arched brow.

  “Welcome.”

  “So I’m still invited back?” I inquired innocently.

  “Are you going to destroy all the new Baby Jesuses I had to buy online because you blew up my collection?” she asked with arms crossed over her chest and eyes narrowed dangerously.

  “Umm… well, ah… this is very difficult,” I complained. “Can I lie?”

  Astrid’s laugh made me grin.

  “Sure. Go for it.”

  “Excellent. I will not blow up Baby Jesus.”

  “Or give all the Nut Crackers boners,” she continued extorting me.

  “Come on now, seriously?” I choked out trying not to laugh. “That was hilarious.”

  “Okay, fine, you butthole,” she conceded ungraciously with a giggle. “One Nut Cracker can have a woody. But if you even look at my Baby Jesuses, you have to go to church every day for a month.”

  “You’re a horribly evil child and you drive a devastating bargain,” I replied with a grunt of approval.

  “Learned from the best,” Astrid shot back with a thumbs up and then turned her focus back to Ethan. “I would very much like your blessing because I love and respect you more than anyone in the world, but I’ll go regardless.”

  Nodding his head and taking her hands in his, Ethan gave her a resigned smile. “You are my world. You drive me to the heights and to absolute distraction. Astrid, you have my blessing and I have your back. I’m not happy about this at all, but I trust you. Always.”

  “I love you, you sexy, hot Vamp.” She threw her arms around her mate and held him tight.

  Ethan then shot me a look that wasn’t loving at all. It was vicious. I needed to copy that one. It was excellent.

  “Astrid will accompany you,” he conceded tightly. “But you will also take Tiara. Her power is astronomical and I’ll feel better if Astrid had a Demon with her that I trust. She’s of your bloodline and is also undead. Her loyalty is to both races.”

  “Tiara’s a Fairy too,” Astrid reminded everyone. “With a voice that could lead to the need for new eardrums.”

  And that was the understatement of the morning. Tiara was the newly discovered half-sister of Astrid—a lesbian Demon-Fairy-Vampire who spoke at a decibel that could call up the Hell Hounds from a three hundred mile radius. Both women were the daughters of my very dead and very despicable Demon half-brother—killed by Astrid’s own hand. It was a favor I would owe her for always.

  While I had no issues destroying Demons that had gone too far to the dark side, offing my own half-brother was slightly complicated. Thankfully the job had been done for me. However, as truly heinous as the Demon had been, he’d sired two incredibly strong immortals—profane, violent, inappropriate and beautiful. As far as I was concerned, they were mine now. I simply ignored the other parts of their lineage because Demon blood was far superior to any other species.

  “I will take Tiara as well as Darby, Dino and Dagwood. I shall have my army awaiting my instructions in Hell and would greatly appreciate any backup you can provide,” I told Ethan in a curt tone. It seriously sucked to have to express gratitude.

  “That almost killed you didn’t it?” Astrid asked with glee.

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  “Saying thank you to Ethan,” she gloated. “I think I see a few hives popping up.”

  Breathing in through my nose and blowing the breath slowly from my lips, I shook my head. “Yessssss, it sucked. However, as evil as I may be, I’m not stupid. Stupid would never have survived as long as I have.”

  “Darby, Dino and Dagwood?” Ethan questioned with a perplexed expression.

  “My top Demons,” I confirmed with a slight wince. The names were truly going to have to go. I was losing respect even uttering them.

  “Same ones who changed their middle names to Dick,” Astrid added with a laugh. “Dino Dick, Darby Dick and Dagwood Dick.”

  “And they’ve all taken the surname Demon,” I added morosely.

  “Not gonna touch that,” Ethan said with a laugh.

  Astrid hopped up into Ethan’s arms and snuggled close. It made me long for… nothing. Their road was not one I would ever travel.

  “Wise choice, mate of mine,” she said. “I want to go kiss my baby and I’ll bring Tiara back with me. We’re gonna find this shit and end it. Fast.”

  “Where will you begin?” Ethan questioned.

  It was a good question and the answer was that I was unsure. However, fate had a way of revealing itself as you went along with your daily life.

  “We will resume normal activity,” I said. “If we go about business as usual, whatever fate intended will find us.”

  “Fate’s a bitch,” Ethan said.

  “You took the words from my mouth.”

  Chapter Seven

  “Let me get this shit straight,” Tiara said in an octave that should be reserved for shattering glass. “The darkness and fire—whatever the effing Hell that means—is gunning for Uncle Fucker. We need to make it our bitch so the world doesn’t end. Buuuuut, instead of looking for it, we’re gonna go find some female soul seller that puts Demons into comas. Then as if that’s not a bizarre enough field trip, we’re gonna get Uncle Fucker’s questionably truthful autobiography published and go to a Romance Readers convention so he can possibly get a movie option on his life story?”

  “Sounds about right,” Astrid said, dragging two enormous suitcases into Ethan’s office.

  “That’s one tall, seriously fucked up order,” Tiara commented as she helped Astrid stack the suitcases.

  “God did it with his insufferably long book multiple times,” I reminded them. “He’s made a fortune. It’s my turn.”

  “He does have a point,” Astrid conceded.

  “So Uncle Fucker, your autobiography is a romance?” Tiara inquired with an expression of utter confusion on her lovely face.

  Before I had a chance to answer, Astrid confirmed the anomaly—or as I liked to call it … poetic license.

  “Yep, I just slapped a bullshit happy ending on it and called it a day. Uncle Fucker is getting a happily ever after,” Astrid announced making me curious to read the fabrications her artful yet insane mind had wrought.

  My nieces were polar opposites in the looks department, but equally as stunning. Tiara was blonde and statuesque with gold eyes. Her multiple heritage was evident when her eyes changed due to her mood. One became red and the other silver—very unusual and wonderfully disconcerting. Astrid’s hair was as dark as Tiara’s was light, however they shared the same golden eyes, bad attitude, outstanding killing skills and love of filthy language. At least the unforeseen near future would be amusing with my girls at my side.

&nbs
p; “We’re going to work on eliminating the moniker Uncle Fucker from your vocabularies,” I informed them in an icy tone so they would know I meant business. Secretly, I enjoyed being called Uncle Fucker. It was every kind of wrong and profane. “Besides I need to use a pen name. You will address me accordingly.”

  “Did you pick one?” Astrid inquired, pretending to busy herself with the locks on her suitcases.

  She was up to something. The lack of eye contact was an undead giveaway, plus there were no locks on her luggage. Ethan had gone to confer with his top generals to make contingency plans in case my Demon army needed back up. I was quite sure I would need none of them. Fate hadn’t mentioned anyone but me in the unfolding drama with the impending darkness.

  “Do you have something in mind?” I asked giving her the eyebrow she’d so recently insulted.

  Her laugh rang through the room and even I had to grin. It was liberating to be with people who weren’t completely terrified of me. Of course her choice of name was sure to be horrifying, but I was curious to hear what debased moniker Astrid thought appropriate.

  “You really don’t want to let her do this,” Tiara warned with an evil little grin pulling at her lips.

  “I’m offended,” Astrid shouted in mock rage. “I read romance novels, for the love of everything bodice ripping and fabulous. I know what the ladies want.”

  “Let’s hear it then,” Tiara said with a bark of laughter.

  “Dirk,” Astrid said with wide eyes, waggling brows and an even wider grin. “Dirk D. Deemonee!”

  I was quite sure the expression on my face looked like I’d swallowed a lemon. The name was appalling. There was no way in Hell I was going to answer to Dirk. I’d go with Uncle Fucker before I went with Dirk D. Deemonee.

  “What does the middle D stand for?” Tiara asked, attempting to hold back her squeal of laughter.

  “Dick!” Astrid bellowed and fell to the floor in giggles.

  Tiara lost her valiant battle with her composure and landed in a heap next to her sister.

  “While I find your bonding over my emasculation amusing, I will not go by that name. Even you can’t utter the abomination without guffawing like a common peasant.”

  “How about Sam Sinessssster?” Tiara suggested between unladylike grunts of glee.

  “Or Vinnie Villanilicious?” Astrid squealed.

  “Or Nardel Nefariouso?” Tiara shouted as three windows in the room burst and shattered to dust.

  “Or Lou Sy?” Astrid took another appalling turn.

  “Or Abe Bominable?”

  “Or Dizzy Greeable?”

  “Or Wick Edest?”

  Closing my eyes, I leaned back on the couch and let the imbeciles wear themselves out. When there appeared to be no end in sight, I stepped in. Clearly, they could go on for days. And I was fairly sure the Vampyres of the Cressida House would be annoyed if all the windows and glass in the large compound got destroyed by Tiara’s earsplitting cackling.

  “I shall be known as Blade,” I announced. “Just Blade.”

  “Like Beyoncé or Cher?” Astrid questioned, pushing a still laughing Tiara off of her.

  “Yes. Except I’m sexier.”

  “Hmm, it’s not bad,” she mused, considering it. “But you really should have a last name. Sounds less like a male stripper that way.”

  “She’s right,” Tiara agreed. “What do you love? What makes you happy?”

  Interesting point. I certainly didn’t want to come off as a stripper—not that there was anything wrong with being a stripper. I had many lovely and busty stripper friends…

  “I enjoy sex.”

  “Blade Fornicate or Blade Boink doesn’t work for me,” Tiara said, thinking aloud. “How about Blade Boffmeister?”

  “No too literal,” Astrid said. “What about something more obscure like Blade Nooner?”

  “That’s better, but I like alliteration. How ‘bout Blade Baller or Blade Bugger.”

  “How about no fucking way,” I inserted just to make them stop.

  “What else do you like besides bumping uglies?” Astrid asked.

  “For the record, mine’s not ugly. And the answer is fire. I adore fire,” I said with confidence. It was nice not to have to lie every now and then. However, I wasn’t going to make a practice of it.

  “Blade Inferno,” Tiara said, her mismatched eyes wide with excitement. “It’s hot and dangerous. It’s very memorable—I mean not as memorable as Satan, Lucifer, Mother Humpin’ Prince of Darkness, Blade Boink or Uncle Fucker, but I think it will work.”

  “It’s perfect,” Astrid agreed with a clap of her hands.

  I wasn’t quite as certain, but it beat all the other names they’d so helpfully suggested. I was hot and dangerous. Blade Inferno could work.

  “Blade Inferno it is,” I said, relieved we were done with renaming the Devil. “Now we need to get the book published and take this party to Chicago.”

  “Is that where the Romance Convention is?” Tiara inquired.

  “No clue,” I admitted. “However, I have a little soul seller there that needs to be stopped. We can get rid of her and then go make me more famous than I already am.”

  “Like that’s not gonna go to his head,” Astrid muttered and then froze. “Wait. Pretty sure we can’t just tell a publisher to publish your book. Don’t think it works that way.”

  “No worries, I own all of the Big Eight New York Publishers. I’ll have my people call their people and it shall be done.”

  “Dude, you are one slippery mother humper,” Astrid said with admiration.

  “Thank you.”

  “Umm… this soul seller…” Tiara got back to the prior subject. “Is she a Demon?”

  “She’s a photographer,” I supplied. “And we have no clue on the species. It was reported back to me that she might possibly be a Siren.”

  “No. Fucking. Way,” Tiara gasped out, disintegrating the glass on Ethan’s massive desktop computer. “They don’t exist anymore.”

  “Exactly,” I agreed. “She’s most likely something far less, like a Mermaid.”

  “Mermaids are real?” Astrid shouted with joy. “Like in the movie Splash?”

  Hell’s bells, these girls were loud and destructive.

  Tiara and I both shuddered. Mermaids were nothing like the way they were depicted in fairy tales and Disney movies.

  “No,” I replied curtly. “They are cannibalistic sex fiends.”

  “Holy shitballs on fire,” Astrid swore. “This is going to be fun.”

  “You say she’s a photographer?” Tiara questioned.

  Nodding, I waited for something good—or nonsensical. I wasn’t disappointed.

  “You’re an author,” she started.

  “Loose definition of an author,” Astrid chimed in and earned an impressive glare from me.

  “Authors need headshots for the flap on the inside of the book. Right?” Tiara went on.

  “They do,” I said with a grin, following her train of thought. Tiara’s thought process was far easier to understand than Astrid’s non sequitur ramblings about fast food managers.

  “Bingo,” she shouted as Astrid and I slapped our hands over our ears in self-preservation.

  Eardrums would grow back. I just didn’t want to get blood on my custom Armani suit—especially if I was going to be photographed in it.

  “You are brilliant, sister of mine,” Astrid congratulated her half-sibling with a back slap that sent Tiara flying across the room. “It will be a two for one. We get Blade Inferno’s head shot and we stop the man-eating soul seller.”

  “And then we find the darkness and fire?” Tiara asked.

  “Trust me. We probably won’t have to look. Once Fate is involved, the prophecy will find us—or rather me,” I replied.

  “Us,” Tiara and Astrid insisted in unison.

  “It will find us,” Astrid continued. “You’re not flying solo this time. You have two slightly insane and very well dressed killing machine
s with you.”

  “We’ve got your back, Uncle Fucker,” Tiara added and then slapped her hand over her mouth. “Sorry. I mean… Blade Inferno, we have your back. Always,” my gratingly voiced niece corrected herself.

  I was certain my eyes were watering because of her piercing pitch—not because these ridiculous girls were repeatedly hitting me in the feels.

  I’m Satan. I feel nothing for anyone.

  And if you’re buying that, I have a bridge to sell you…

  Chapter Eight

  “What the Hell are we doing in Nirvana?” I bellowed. I stamped my foot in fury causing a flock of purple parrots to explode from the flowering trees and dive bomb us. “I’m supposed to be in Chicago decapitating a soul selling Mermaid. Mother, you have some explaining to do.”

  One minute I was soaring above the clouds with my raven wings glistening in the sun and the wind ruffling my feathers. The next minute I was sucked violently into a vortex and unceremoniously dumped into my mother’s neck of the Universe. Not to mention, I was being attacked by fucking birds. Astrid and Tiara were taking the unexpected detour with far more grace than I was.

  “Dude, relax,” Astrid said as she squatted down and scratched the belly of something that was a colorful mix between a dog and a rabbit with small horns. “Obviously Gigi has something to tell you or she wouldn’t have yanked our asses out of the sky and brought us here.”

  “Ohmyfreakinwheelsonamonstertruck,” Tiara shouted as she darted around the lush gardens and touched everything. “This is my first time in Nirvana—totally mother humpin’ awesome!”

  “Thank you, darling,” Mother Nature said, appearing in a blast of enough peach glitter to supply ten thousand beauty pageants. “Would you girls mind walking the monkeys over to the diving pool? It’s time for their scuba lesson.”

  “Or in other words, you want a moment alone with Blade Inferno,” Astrid said with a knowing grin. “We’re on it, Gigi. Just call out when it’s safe to come back.”

  “Can I scuba dive with the monkeys?” Tiara asked Mother Nature aka Gigi to her grandchildren.

  “Of course, my sweet. Just watch out for the Loch Ness Monster. She’s here on vacation.”