Fashionably Forever After: Book Ten, The Hot Damned Series Read online

  “You really think she’d show her face after all the shit she pulled?” Tiara asked doubtfully.

  “One can only hope,” I said. “Everyone out on three. One. Two. Three.”

  And the battle began—vicious, deadly, and wildly unexpected.

  Chapter Seven

  She stood in the middle of a dozen hideous Trolls. Her beauty was legendary, but her insides were as rotten and ugly as her outer shell was lovely. As stunning as she was, Fate left me cold. If I could kill her without taking down all of humanity, I would do it in a heartbeat.

  My hatred for her was deep-seated. It stemmed from the beginning of time when Fate had chosen God to ascend and me to fall. It felt like yesterday. However, if I was being honest—which was rare—I probably would have been bored to violence if I had to be good all the time.

  “Fate, what an unpleasant surprise. Thought you’d be in hiding since a Tribunal was called on you,” I said, saluting her with my middle finger.

  “You have something I want,” she hissed as her long blonde locks blew in the arid desert breeze.

  The midday sun hid behind the clouds and gave the desert an eerie feeling of impending doom. The Winds of Change blew and I wondered whom they would favor today.

  “I don’t think so, old woman,” I replied smoothly.

  “Ahh, but I do. Give me Adrielle Rinoa’s soul and I will leave your people alive,” she instructed.

  “My people will not be dying today,” I informed her in an icy cold tone. “However, my guess is that yours won’t be so lucky.”

  The Trolls growled and gnashed their sharp teeth. Each stood ten feet tall with rotting flesh and a stench that made the Basement of Hell smell like roses. Smoke and fire puffed out of their unsightly noses and their skin expanded and contracted with their barely tethered aggression. The rancid flaps of their skin trembled and the odor they emitted was noxious.

  Taking a quick and silent detour, I let myself slip in and out of their minds. What I saw made me want to destroy them. They had committed sins so heinous that the Basement of Hell was too good for the monsters. Even if they weren’t gunning for us, I would take them out regardless. Sometimes it was handy to be the one who decided the eternal punishments of the truly evil. And these fuckers were particularly evil.

  “Motherhumper, it smells like a thousand baked ass cracks out here,” Martha muttered.

  “Hush,” Astrid whispered. “They’re pissed off enough already. “Don’t give them more reasons to want to kill you.”

  “Yeah, but they smell so bad a skunk would pass out if he walked by,” Jane said.

  “Or if one of those ass rods was in a sandbox, a cat would bury it,” Martha added, clearly unable to shut up.

  Maybe Lizard had been right about not including them… too late now.

  My people were lined up alongside me. Astrid and Tiara flanked me. Dagwood, Darby and Dino were to Astrid’s left while Lizard and his talkative concubines were on the outside of Tiara. All held swords except Lizard. He held his bat and had such a crazed expression on his face I was almost taken aback.

  “Give me the soul, Satan,” Fate ground out.

  “I don’t have one,” I replied.

  “Not yours,” she snarled. “Give me the Siren’s soul now.”

  “Just for shits and giggles why don’t you enlighten me as to why you’re so keen on stealing Elle’s soul,” I suggested.

  “No.”

  “Then why don’t I take a guess,” I shot back and watched her grow more furious and uncomfortable. “Once upon a time there were three fates… or at least there were supposed to be. The definition of the word fate is imprecise and inadequate—no numerical assignment to it. For you see, fate has a past but no recorded history. It’s nonnegotiable but a never-ending negotiation. Fate cannot be controlled or preordained. However, one of this triad decided she could do so. She wanted all the fame—all the glory—but she wasn’t strong enough to handle the weight of the world on her own. She was arrogant enough to believe she could control fate, but fate can’t be controlled, altered, derailed or fixed. Fate is as absolute as death and often times as distasteful. So she cheated. One of the fates was a very greedy woman and figured out a way to get around the natural order. Interestingly enough, it doesn’t work like that—eventually Fate will catch up to her own… fate.”

  Fate’s face grew red and her fury was palpable. It was a lovely sight.

  “Are you done?” she snarled.

  “Not quite. The power of three was the way it was meant to be—and you can’t fuck with fate. But this woman—let’s call her Karma for now—Karma has made it work since the beginning of time. But time is fleeting and immortality does strange things to a person. Some have lost their way and I’m quite sure the end is drawing near for Karma… Karma can be such a bitch, don’t you think?”

  “What amusing fiction,” Fate sneered. “You should write a book.”

  “I did and it’s fabulous. Far better than my brother’s,” I said with a conceited shrug. “The truth is always stranger than fiction, old woman. You know it as well as I do.”

  “Hmm,” Astrid said with a humorless laugh, staring daggers at Fate. “That Karma seems awfully greedy to me.”

  “We’re all made of greed,” I told my niece while keeping my eyes glued to Fate. “It’s just up to the individual how much it will control them.”

  “I have no time for profoundly stupid statements, Deceitful One,” Fate shouted. “Give me the soul or I will take it from you—and I guarantee you it will not be pretty.”

  “Funny thing,” I said with a smile that didn’t reach my eyes. “I returned a soul to the rightful owner.”

  Fate seemed shocked and lost for a moment. Thankfully that was clue enough to realize she hadn’t found Elle or Sadie yet. I still had time.

  “Liar,” she shouted.

  “Why yes, thank you. I am. However, not today. I don’t have a soul,” I said.

  The Winds of Change picked up substantially and the whipping sand made it difficult to hear and see. The Trolls keened and wailed as they rocked back and forth on their enormous feet ready to charge.

  “Kill the ones that can die. I’m done here,” Fate bellowed as she disappeared in a cloud of glitter so thick it made the Trolls cough and sputter.

  “She didn’t listen to the words did she?” Astrid said, glancing over at me with a small grin.

  “Whatever do you mean?” I inquired.

  “You said a soul—not her soul. You have it, don’t you?”

  “You’re quite smart for a Vamp,” I said, sizing up our foes. “However, I’d suggest you keep your assumption to yourself.”

  “You’ll owe me,” Astrid shot back as her smile widened.

  “You’re a horrible child.”

  “Learned from the best,” she informed me.

  “That you did,” I replied and then address my small troop. “Go for the neck. Stay away from the teeth and do not turn your back on the giant bastards.”

  “Nine of us. Twelve of them,” Lizard growled. “I want six of them.”

  “You’re carrying a bat, asshole,” Dagwood said. “How do you think that’s going to work out?”

  “It’s gonna work out just fucking fine,” Lizard said so calmly I almost laughed.

  However, Trolls were no laughing matter.

  “You sure you don’t want me to sing and blow the bastards to Kingdom Come?” Tiara asked, wielding her sword in front of her with the ease of a very trained killer.

  She had a point. Not very long ago she’d killed several Trolls with her voice. My niece’s voice was grating and potentially deadly, but there were too many Trolls and we needed at least one alive.

  “Not today. Too risky,” I said, stepping out in front and letting my body go to its most natural form.

  Flames engulfed me and my body grew in size. Not quite as large as the Trolls, but wildly impressive if I did say so myself. And I did…

  The Trolls growled and looke
d taken aback. Clearly Fate hadn’t informed her people exactly whom they were dealing with. Too bad, so sad. They were the lowest kind of scum and needed to go.

  “Holy shit on fire,” Martha shouted with glee. “Get a load of Sexy LaTuchus. Son of a bitch is a flaming motherfucking fine assed nightmare come to life.”

  “That’s goddamned hot,” Jane yelled. “I’m hoping our new piece of ass can do that too.”

  “Prepare to die,” the Troll in the front bellowed in a gravelly voice that bounced off the floor of the desert with such malice it made the sand kick up to a full-fledged sandstorm.

  “Go. Now,” I shouted as I raised my arms to the sky and set every single Troll on fire. It wouldn’t kill them, but it gave us an in to take them out. “Pierce the neck. I’ll take one alive.”

  And the battle began. The screams of the giants were ear-piercing and they fought with a rage unlike any other species. Tearing the heads from three of the heinous creatures was cathartic. I’d been jonesing for a decapitation and the outlet was sublime. The one I wanted alive was trickier. Searing the limbs from his body as his monstrous teeth went for my neck made my blood race through my veins. He put up an excellent fight, but he never had a chance of winning. The stakes too were high and I never lost. Blasting him with a non-deadly lingering fire that would prohibit his limbs from regenerating, I turned my attention back to the battle. I’d deal with my limbless friend shortly.

  “Down,” Dagwood shouted as he pierced a neck and then sprinted to back up a viciously impressive Martha and Jane.

  For imbeciles, Martha and Jane were savages. Martha had lost an arm, but was still fighting like the Vampyre she was. Jumping and flipping like circus freaks, they confused the enormous brutes. It was splendid to watch until Jane lost her top in the melee. I was surprised the sight of her sagging bosom—and bosom was the correct term for what she was sporting—didn’t kill the Troll dead in his tracks. It didn’t. However, her sword to his neck did the trick.

  “Oh my Hell,” Astrid screamed as she lit up like a firework on the human holiday of the Fourth of July. “You oozed on my fucking Prada, you giant jackhole. No one oozes green goop on my Prada. Not to mention I have a gaping bloody hole in my chest, you smelly bulbous dong fungus. This is not working for me.”

  With that profane warning, my torn up and bloodied niece disposed of her competitor with a very precise and deadly shot to the neck followed by a decapitation that pleased me greatly.

  Darby, Dino and Dagwood fought like the deadly Demons they were and took down their prey with efficiency that made me proud. Tiara was wounded, but fought like the Tasmanian Devil. Very few would stand a chance against my fierce niece.

  However, the champion—for lack of a more appropriate word—of the skirmish was Lizard. He was a sadistic, merciless freak of nature.

  “Holy Cousin Jesus at a naked pig roast with Atheists,” Astrid shouted. “What the ever loving fuck is he?”

  It was a fine inquiry. And the answer was I wasn’t exactly sure what to call him.

  However, the question as to if he was actually a lizard was now answered. My Demon was definitely not just a Demon. Lizard had morphed into something that distinctly resembled the Creature from the Black Lagoon with scaly wings. He was roughly the size of a Mack truck and I had a vague idea what the other part of his heritage might be. It was horrifyingly delightful. His battle cries were the sounds nightmares were made of. He flew like a bat out of Hell brandishing his bat. The bat glowed a bright green and silver flames and glitter spilled from it. Winding up like a professional baseball player, he took powerful swings that knocked the heads of the beasts clean off their bodies. I’d never witnessed anything of the sort. Lizard the lizard was certifiably insane.

  The show was almost comically violent, but it was definitely getting the job done.

  “He’s mine,” Martha yelled watching Lizard take out the final Troll.

  “And mine,” Jane shouted, now on all fours searching the decimated area for her lost halter top.

  And then it was over. It had been quick, violent and definitely surprising. However, there was now the matter of the limbless Troll to take care of. I’d purposely kept the one alive that had the most egregious offences—rape, pillaging, mass murder… the rap sheet was never ending on this one.

  Quickly making sure my people were accounted for, I waved my hand rescinded the fire around the barely living Troll. He was gnashing his teeth and threatening anyone who would listen.

  “The Keeper will destroy you. She will rend your limbs and blind you with poison,” he hissed. “She will tear your eyes from their sockets and crush them beneath her feet and you will be alive. You will feel the pain. YOU WILL DIE.”

  “Are you done?” I asked, standing over him and doing my best to avoid the rancid spittle flying from his lips. He wasn’t long for the Earthly plane and I wanted my information before he took his one-way trip to Hell. Of course, I could torture it out of him once he was in my neck of the woods, but that could take a while. Processing into the Underworld could take a few days. The paperwork was endless. I didn’t have that kind of time.

  “Never,” he snarled. “The Keeper will peel the skin from your body and boil your bones in…”

  “Seriously?” I asked with a humorless laugh. “That’s so old school. No one peels anyone anymore—too messy. Electrocution is much more painful and fun. Do you feel me, Troll?”

  “She will come for you. I might die, but you will burn for eternity,” he growled.

  “Do you know who I am?” I asked.

  “Pretty sure he doesn’t,” Astrid volunteered.

  “You are nothing. You have stolen from the keeper and I will end you,” he said growing weaker.

  “Good luck with that,” I told him. “Actually, the Keeper has stolen something forbidden since the beginning of time and her end draws near. You certainly picked the wrong team if you want my opinion. As for the burning for eternity, I have that covered already. I’m Satan, you pathetic piece of shit.”

  His eyes grew wide with recognition and for a moment I almost felt pity for him—almost.

  “So I’ve got the burning in Hell thing down pat. As a matter of fact, you’ll be going there soon.”

  The limbless monster spat at me and bared his sharp teeth. “You lie. You are nothing.”

  Rolling my eyes, I decided my ego was fine with letting the bastard think I was someone else. I didn’t need his respect. I needed information. I’d see him in Hell soon enough and we could redo the introductions…

  “Where is your Keeper hiding?” I demanded.

  “Fuck you,” he hissed.

  “You’re not my type,” I replied dryly. “I will ask you one more time and then I will do all the lovely things to you that you warned me the Keeper would do to me. Does that sound like a good plan?”

  “Fuck you,” he roared, trying to roll his massive body closer so he could have a go at me with his fangs.

  “Sire, if I may,” Lizard cut in, now back to his former bizarre self.

  With a curt nod, I moved away. After watching Lizard with the bat, I was curious to see what else he would do.

  “Would you like a piece of gum?” he asked the Troll who looked as confused as the rest of us.

  “FUCK YOU,” the Troll shrieked.

  “Umm… Lizard. While I appreciate your aid, now is not the time for gum,” I said.

  “I beg to differ, My Lord. Tell me what you want from him.”

  “I want to know where Fate is hiding. Where are the places she would go? I’m hoping it will lead me to someone else entirely, but that’s neither here nor there,” I replied.

  “No worries. I have this,” Lizard grunted as he wrenched the Trolls mouth open and shoved his bat into the orifice so the monster couldn’t bite him.

  Yanking a large pack of gum from his pocket, Lizard whispered something to it and shoved the entire pack into the mouth of the Troll. Expertly removing the bat, he held the Troll’s mouth shut s
o the beast had no choice but to chew.

  “Where has the Keeper gone?” Lizard demanded.

  “Kismet,” the Troll said through gritted teeth, fading fast.

  “Where is Kismet? Is it a place?” I demanded.

  “Kismet,” he repeated unwillingly, glaring at me with raw hatred. “Kismet.”

  And then the son of a bitch died.

  “Goddamn it,” I roared. “What is Kismet? Has anyone even heard of it?”

  My people shook their heads and backed away as I was again a blazing inferno of rage.

  “It means fate,” Tiara said, stepping forward.

  “I know what it means,” I snapped. “Now I want to know where it is.”

  Astrid stepped up next to her sister. They were either very brave or very stupid to get close to me when I was flaming like a wildfire. “I can only think of one person who might know where it is,” she said.

  I paused, stared and then smiled. “I do believe I know who you’re talking about.”

  “Do you want us to come with you?” she asked.

  “No,” I replied. The rest of the journey would be solo. “I want all of you to go home. I will be in touch.”

  “Sire, with your permission I’d like to bring my concubines to Hell so I can watch over them as they heal,” Lizard said, bowing to me.

  “Yeah, right,” I heard Dino mumble as the other Demons chuckled.

  “How about you go to their house instead?” I suggested as Astrid shot me the stink eye.

  “As you wish,” Lizard replied.

  “Yesssss,” Martha said, doing a little jig. “I was pissed that those ass-scented fuckers ripped my arm off, but now I’m not cuz I’m gonna get laid!”

  “Me too,” Jane shouted.

  “You owe me so fucking huge,” Astrid grumbled, shaking her head.

  “And what would you like?” I asked with a grin pulling at my lips.

  “I’ll have to get back to you one that,” she replied, using one of my favorite lines.

  “You do that,” I said. “Till we meet again.”