Fashionably Dead Down Under (Hot Damned Series, Book 2) Read online

  “I have no idea, Grandpa, but we need to back up a little bit.” He was excellent at avoidance, but he was not avoiding this.

  “Fine, darling, what can I help you with?” He finished off the sandwich and made another.

  “Do you have a good reason for showing up and scaring the Hell out of me?”

  “Oh yes.” He took my hands and stroked them lovingly. “I was testing your abilities. You need to be ready. I’m so worried for you and so is your nana.” He let go of my hands and took another huge bite of his sandwich.

  “Am I?” I asked, holding my breath.

  “Are you what?” he replied with a mouth full of PB&J.

  “Am I ready?” I huffed in exasperation.

  “Oh, For the Love of Everything Repulsive, No,” he laughed.

  I deflated like a balloon and dropped onto a kitchen chair. My head fell to my hands and I gave into the impulse that had been clawing at me since I arrived in Hell. I cried.

  “Oh, my baby.” Grandpa smoothed his little hand over my hair.

  “I’m okay,” I said, wiping my tears.

  He giggled with relief and squeezed himself. Holy Hell, he’d better not do that. I wasn’t sure I could curb my hugging impulses if he was going to rub my face in it by loving on himself.

  “I’m not going to be of much help,” I told him. “I can’t use my Vampyre powers down here.”

  “Of course you can,” he corrected me.

  “Um, nope. They’re gone.”

  “You must accept your Demon powers and you will find your Vampyre powers have been with you the whole time.”

  “What do you mean? Accept my Demon powers… ”

  “It’s more mind over matter,” he explained. “You don’t need to have control of your Demonic power, you simply need to accept and embrace your Demon heritage.”

  “You want me to accept evil?”

  “No. I want you to accept that there is a balance—a Balance of Chaos, if you will. We are all good and all evil.”

  His answer was simple, but I knew by now nothing was simple and nothing came without consequences.

  “I saw no good in my father or my mother.”

  “At one time your father was very good. Time and choices made him dark and quite honestly unredeemable.”

  “Why did he look like he did? Do you look like that too?”

  Grandpa was silent for a long moment and if I’m not mistaken a flicker of sadness crossed his face. “That was choice, not necessity. You father chose his physical appearance and after a while he was stuck with it. The outside often ends up being a manifestation of what lies within.”

  “How do you control what you become?” I asked, wondering what had really happened to my father.

  “That, my beautiful child, is a question we all wrestle with for our entire lives. And some of us have very long lives with which to wrestle.”

  “So if I accept this, I become one crazily powerful mistake of nature?” I asked, unable to imagine what I might be able to do.

  “That’s one way of looking at it,” he said thoughtfully. “Or you become the arbiter between Heaven and Hell. The voice of reason between those who can’t—or refuse to acknowledge or even see the other side.”

  “You do realize I’m basically a Prada whore with a mouth like a sailor who teaches art to genitalia loving senior citizens… ”

  Grandpa’s laugh made me want to tackle him and love on him for hours. “You are the Chosen One of Vampyre lore. You have proven yourself to be loyal with a moral strength that is beyond compare. You are very special indeed.”

  “I have more than myself to think about,” I murmured, unconsciously touching my stomach.

  “Then all the more reason to make the Universe a better place,” he said gently. “May I?” His hand tentatively reached for my stomach and I nodded. The need for him to touch me and to touch him back was overwhelming.

  Gently running his small hands over my stomach, his sighed in contentment. “This child will be the future. He will be the one who will maintain the balance that you create. Leave him his legacy, for if you don’t, you will take his purpose from him and he will have no choice but to follow the darker part of his heritage.”

  “That sounds a bit like blackmail,” I said, pulling away.

  “Emotional blackmail,” Grandpa corrected. “But true nonetheless. Accept your fate and the world will be yours. However, at every turn will be a choice and only you can make the right one.”

  “Jesus Christ,” I groaned. “You sound like fucking Mr. Miyagi from The Karate Kid.”

  “I loved that movie!” Grandpa clapped his little hands joyfully. “And you really shouldn’t take your cousin’s name in vain.”

  I rolled my eyes and tried not to laugh. I failed.

  “Think about what I have said, Astrid. I am so happy to be able to reveal myself to you. I have waited many years for you.”

  “Little overwhelming, Gramps. You’re making me nauseous. Now a bit more about the Sword… ”

  He handed me a small book. “Everything you need to know is in there. The rest you will have to discover.”

  “Awesome,” I said sarcastically.

  “Oh, but it is, my dear. It really is.”

  With that he disappeared in a mist of black and golden glitter. This had turned out to be the biggest clusterfuck of a day I’d ever had and I’m counting the day I was turned into a Vampyre. I suppose my vacation in Hell was going to be a bit longer than originally planned. Ethan will not be pleased.

  Chapter Ten

  I spent the better part of the night trying to make sense of the little book my grandpa had given me. I was not a big non-fiction reader. Give me a romance and I’m a happy girl, but this crap… I was having a hard time understanding even the smallest details. It was as if it had been written in code—overwritten, flowery purple prose everywhere.

  “Okay, the Sword of Death,” I said, talking to no one since my babies still hadn’t shown up. Luckily I had found several passages I could comprehend. “The Sword lives in a secret place full of temptation very close to the mouth of Hell. That’s dumb. Why in the world don’t they put it in a neutral safe place… ” Immortals had rules coming out of their asses and many were completely antiquated.

  I found out the Sword could kill any immortal with a mere prick of the blade. Its power and magic were unsurpassed. It had been created by the first True Immortals, giving them an out if they so chose. It didn’t clue me in to who the first True Immortals were, but I guessed that would be Mother Nature and possibly Grandpa. Everyone else seemed to have been created in one way or another by those two or their offspring. Mother Nature, Grandpa, God, Satan, the Angel of Death, the Angel of Light and Woman. Woman? I supposed that was Dixie’s mom, but what a shitty name. It was interesting that even in the book her identity was hidden. Whatever. Not my problem. Oddly, there were three more spaces for True Immortals, but they were blank.

  However, there was a caveat. I had to read the passage six times to decode what the hell it meant. If my deduction was correct, on the lunar eclipse, which occurred at least twice a year, the Sword could be used to kill a True Immortal if he or she was stabbed through the heart three times. Lovely. I’d lay money that we were due for a lunar eclipse…

  Who was the target? Satan? God? Grandpa? Mother Nature? The Sword was stored near Hell, so my assumption was Satan or Grandpa. Not good. I kind of liked Grandpa and if I was being truthful, my uncle fascinated me too. Would destroying a True Immortal throw this Balance of Chaos that Gramps spoke of off? Would it bring on Armageddon? Could good and evil switch places or cease to have meaning? Could I possibly confuse myself any more…

  Enough. Enough of the book for now.

  I couldn’t absorb any more information if I tried and there was no sex in it so I was getting bored. Realizing I needed to communicate with home, I decided that would be first on my agenda in the morning. Only one day had passed in Hell, but I was unsure if that equated with one day
on Earth. Second on my schedule would be finding my Baby Demons. They were the key to something. What? I didn’t know, but I was learning to trust that very little was an accident.

  “No, there are no phones to Earth.” Greed laughed as she bit into some kind of Danish from the platter off of Dixie’s kitchen table. She was dressed to the nines in some kind of sexy power suit with thigh high stiletto boots. Thankfully I was able to hold my own in the fashion department due to the pile of rockin’ clothes Dixie had left in my bedroom. I was still wearing my black Converse, but they were paired with some insane Prada black pants and a Stella McCartney fitted t-shirt. “Silly girl. Even if there were, which there aren’t, do you really think Daddy would let you do that?”

  “Am I a prisoner here? Or a guest?”

  Greed exchanged a look with her sisters, Wrath and Envy, who’d shown up uninvited and unwanted to breakfast. All of the gals were dressed to kill… hopefully not literally. Dixie stood to the side completely ignored by her sisters.

  “Would anyone like coffee?” she inquired, changing the subject.

  “Yes, be a dear and fetch me some,” Wrath instructed her youngest sibling. “Don’t forget the sugar,” she called after her.

  I liked them and I didn’t. I didn’t trust them a bit, but I was definitely going to find out what I could from them. “So you’re the Seven Deadly Sins, what does that make Dixie?”

  “A spare heir,” Envy snorted and seated herself next to me.

  “Meaning?”

  “Meaning if one of us bites it, she becomes a Sin,” Envy explained and poked at the plate of pastries.

  “Has that ever happened?” I asked, a little shocked at the implications. I had assumed each cousin embodied her Sin and was born that way.

  “Nope,” Greed cut in. “Never and it would be a total ugly turd waffle if it did.”

  “Facebook?” I asked.

  “How’d you guess?” Greed grinned and took another Danish. “I understand that you met Grandpa last night.”

  “How’d you hear that?” How did she hear that? I hadn’t even shared with Dixie yet.

  “I feel his energy,” she said. “Don’t you?” she asked her sisters.

  “Definitely,” Wrath said and Envy nodded.

  “Yes, I met him and he was just as cute as Dixie said he would be.”

  “Did you break anything?”

  “Nope, I’m fine.”

  “Not on you. On him.” Greed blew out an exasperated breath at my stupidity.

  My stupidity was on purpose and that’s the way I wanted it. Everyone seemed to buy my flightiness except Wrath. She watched me closely with an odd expression on her lovely face.

  “No, he left in one piece,” I told them and turned away to avoid Wrath’s intense scrutiny.

  “What did you speak of?” Wrath asked.

  “Not much. You know, ‘Welcome to Hell, learn your heritage, blahblahblah’.”

  “Did he give you any gifts?” Envy asked in a tone I didn’t like.

  “No books? No baubles?” Greed wanted to know.

  What were they angling for? I had no intention of telling them I had a book. Unsure why, but trusting my instincts, I played dumb.

  “Nope, nothing,” I said. “Why? Does he usually come bearing gifts?”

  “No, but he always tries to pawn this stupid little book off on us,” Greed said and rolled her eyes.

  “It’s written in some ancient script that none of us can read. I suppose it’s some kind of test,” Envy added.

  “I can read a bit of it,” Wrath said, still watching me closely.

  “Probably because you’re thousands of years older than the rest of us,” Greed snapped.

  Swallowing back my surprise at Wrath’s age I wondered if I had been given the very same book… If I was, why in the hell was I able to read it? Bad feeling number one—and I was certain I’d have many more before the day was done.

  “Coffee,” Dixie sang and passed cups to her sisters. “Would you like some, Astrid?”

  “Nope. Vampyre.”

  “Right.” She giggled and served her sisters dutifully.

  “Do you need blood?” Wrath inquired as she put an alarming amount of sugar in her coffee.

  “No, not at the moment. Are you offering?” Her head snapped up and there was serious interest in her eyes.

  “I might be,” she answered silkily. “Let me know if I can be of service.”

  “Will do.” Will not. There was no way Heaven or Hell I would drink the blood of a several thousand year old Demon… not to mention I was fairly sure she had some kind of icky girl cousin crush on me.

  “What are your plans for the day, dear?” Envy asked.

  “I’ll spend the day with Dixie and rest. This has been overwhelming so far.”

  “Very well then,” Greed said and gave me a light squeeze. “We shall see you soon.”

  With that, they stood and vanished in a blast of black glitter. I let out the breath I’d been holding and sagged in relief in my chair.

  “Do they come to breakfast often?” I asked a similarly relieved Dixie.

  “Never,” she admitted and scrunched her nose. “Sorry about that.”

  “I can handle them.”

  “Better you than me.” She giggled and picked at a Danish. “Did you enjoy your visit with Grandpa?”

  “Actually I did and I didn’t break one single bone in his body.” I grinned and sniffed the coffee. “God, I miss caffeine.”

  “Do you want to try it?”

  “No,” I interjected quickly. “I tried peanut butter last night and almost hurled.”

  “Well, I have my therapy group coming later this afternoon and I want to go to the grocery and buy some snacks. Would you like to join me?”

  “Hell has grocery stores?”

  “Yep, we even have malls,” she said with great pride.

  “But you’re a princess—can’t you have your stuff delivered?”

  “I can.” She nodded her head. “But I want to live like a normal person and I enjoy getting out. I do take a bodyguard, but I drive myself.”

  I gave her the thumbs up and she giggled. I had no desire to go to the grocery and I wanted to find my little ones. “Have you seen my Baby Demons?”

  “No, but I’m sure they’re fine,” she said, grabbing her purse and keys. “If you want to walk the property make sure you take a bodyguard. They say there was a mild Hellquake during the night and I don’t want you to get lost or hurt.”

  “Are those common this time of year?”

  “Hellquakes are never common. The first time I felt one was yesterday with you. Word is that it wasn’t a Hellquake at all. It was some kind of unnatural phenomenon. Something bad.”

  “Well, that’s great and especially since it coincides with my arrival.”

  “Yeah, unfortunately that’s the word around town too,” she shrugged and gave me an apologetic smile. “You take a guard if you want to wander the grounds. Okay?”

  “You got it.” Not.

  Chapter Eleven

  Making peace with my Demon side was difficult—mainly because I had no freakin’ clue how to do it. The book was of no help whatsoever. It was just history and gobbledygook. Although it did have a detailed picture of The Sword of Death—one of the most impressive pieces of deadly art I’d ever seen. If I was to find it, I definitely didn’t want to touch that sucker… way too evil for me. In my gut I knew this was the book the Sins were talking about. It was probably significant that I could read it, but that was the least of my problems at the moment. After Dixie left I paced her house trying to pick up on the energy Grandpa left behind. I felt things, but I wasn’t sure which energy belonged to which Demon. Shitshitshit. I was worried about my little Demons. I needed to find Ross, Rachel, Beyonce and Abe and I was hoping to be able to use that nifty little energy trick to find my babies.

  “Hell’s bells,” I muttered. I hopped around, hoping to release some tension and become one with my inner fuckin
g Demon. “How hard can this be?”

  Hard.

  I tried walking and talking and yelling and meditating. Nothing. I couldn’t make the black glitter gloves show up at will and my Vampyre powers were still MIA. Ten more minutes. I’d give myself ten more minutes to try and get this shit and then I was going out anyway. There was no telling what kind of trouble my tiny monsters could get into in Hell.

  Peeking out of the window, I sized up the bodyguards. They looked more like gun-toting, bodybuilding male models than they did bodyguards. I was certain they knew their job. Satan wouldn’t leave just any old guards with his daughter. The one on the far left looked the weakest. He was who I wanted to be my escort. Ten minutes…

  What were some of the things Grandpa said? Come on… think. Mother Nature was a colossal bitch… my dad had made his own evil bed… seven True Immortals… mind over matter. Wait. That was it. Mind over matter. Could it really be that simple? I laughed at the possibility.

  “I choose to accept both my Vampyre and Demon heritage,” I mumbled. “I choose to accept my Vampyre and Demon heritage,” I said a bit louder.

  A tingling started low in my spine and travelled up to the base of my neck. It wasn’t uncomfortable, but it was unfamiliar. I moved faster around the room wondering if this would be as debilitating as when I became a Vampyre.

  “I choose to accept my Vampyre and Demon heritage,” I shouted, uncaring if all the guards outside could hear my lunacy. It was working. And I felt fine and my… shit. I jack knifed over in pain as wave after wave of nausea ripped through my body. Everything appeared blurry and red and I grasped for purchase on the carpet. Fuck, why did everything immortal have to hurt?

  “I promise to be good or evil or vapid or anything,” I screamed, praying to every deity I think of… Just stop. Please stop. The burning was branding my soul and I planned to rip my cute little son of a bitch grandpa to shreds with my bare hands if this turned me into a full Demon. Wait. Why in the fuck did I even listen to him? Was it because he was cuddly? I was an idiot of epic proportions.