Fashionably Dead Down Under (Hot Damned Series, Book 2) Read online

“I knew that.” Dixie smiled at her. “And I have to agree with you, Astrid’s earrings are lovely. They’re a present from my dad.”

  “My, my, my,” Amanda choked out. “Such a lovely gift for one so distantly related… and a Vampyre to boot.”

  Dixie shifted uncomfortably back and forth on her stilettos, but I’d had enough of the icky Amanda. I flashed her some fang and smacked my lips together hungrily. She was gone in a heartbeat.

  “That was awesome.” Dixie giggled and hugged me tight. “I can’t stand her. I hope Daddy doesn’t keep that one around for long. I preferred Kitty, the last consort. She was as dumb as a box of hair, but she was a great cook and she smelled like honeysuckle.”

  I really had nothing to add to that.

  “Hey Dixie. Hey Astrid.” Myrtle, the bizarre little gal from the therapy session, ran up to us and slapped me on the back with such force I almost hit the deck. Holy Hell, she was strong.

  “Sorry,” she muttered and grinned sheepishly. She wore a black tracksuit with black Pumas on her skinny little body. Her hair was pulled away from her face. She had a pretty face. I hadn’t noticed that earlier. “This place gives me the heebees,” she said. “No offense, Dixie. I know it’s your dad’s crib and all, but damn.”

  “None taken.” She laughed and hugged Myrtle. “Thank you.”

  “For what?” Myrtle was confused.

  “For being you.”

  “Oh, okay,” she said. “Hey, do I...um, look alright?” she asked. Her face turned blotchy red in embarrassment.

  “You look great,” I told her. Dixie nodded in agreement. “I didn’t realize how pretty you were until tonight with your hair away from your face.”

  “Oh.” Myrtle was speechless. She looked like a fragile little girl and I felt an overwhelming need to protect her. Great… now I wanted to protect Demons? Home. Soon.

  “Hey, um...” she continued, abruptly changing the subject, “is there a john around here? I’ve gotta take a leak.”

  “Yes,” my cousin said, trying not to laugh. I sucked my bottom lip into my mouth to keep from giggling. Myrtle really was quite disgusting. “Go down that hall and you’ll find several johns.”

  “Thanks.” The little Demon wandered off with a spring in her step and a new air of confidence about her.

  Dixie took my hand and we made our way through the foyer. The foyer of the palace was tremendous. A huge curved marble staircase dominated the enormous space. The ceilings were three stories high with violent religious frescos painted on them.

  “Oh my God.” I was shocked at how many works of art I recognized. “The paintings. Are they copies?”

  “Nope. Real,” Dixie told me. “Quite a few famous artists have spent time in Hell. Some because they deserved it and others came for a visit out of curiosity. A couple of the visitors have chosen to stay on the main floor in Hell much to our Uncle God’s dismay. Apparently unless you’re burning in the Basement, Hell is a lot more fun than Heaven.”

  “Huh,” I said, still shocked by the sheer amount of priceless art everywhere. “What the hell is hanging in the museums on Earth?”

  “Forgeries.”

  I thought the Vampyres were opulent… they had nothing on Satan. Thick burgundy red brocade curtains rained down from the windows that were at least thirty feet high. The curtains boasted heavy golden fringe and masterpieces dotted the creamy ivory walls. A mix of my favorites—van Gogh, Goya, Basquiat, Botacelli. And to my utter amazement—Da Vinci’s Mona Lisa. Clearly the one I’d seen in the Louvre was a fake. Much to my chagrin, I realized I was not so discretely grooving to Lovin’, Touchin’, Squeezin’… WTF?

  “Dixie, what’s the deal with Journey?” I asked, pressing my hands to my sides so I didn’t raise them over my head and sway.

  “Daddy loves Journey. You could say he’s obsessed. He can’t wait till they all die and he can have his own personal Journey concerts in Hell. He was heartbroken when Steve Perry quit the band. He didn’t come out of his suite for a month.”

  Wait. What? That was just weird. So weird I didn’t know what to say. Hell had rendered me speechless several times in one day. Ethan would be impressed. My gut clenched at the thought of what he must be going through. I wondered if there was a way to communicate with him. Were there phone lines to Earth? Would Satan let me use one? Would Dixie? Would Myrtle?

  The foyer was full of Demons, from the most high ranking, who were sipping expensive champagne, to the lowliest, who were serving it. I didn’t see my Uncle Satan anywhere, but I did catch Amanda the consort greeting guests as if she owned the place. Gross.

  “Thank Beelzebub, Cole is on her,” Dixie muttered as she snagged two champagnes for us.

  “What do you mean?” I asked, staring stupidly at the glass in my hand. Did I try to take a sip? Could I eat down here? I could breathe and see myself…

  “The man tailing Amanda, the wanking bitch, is my dad’s second in command, Cole. I’m glad that someone who has my father’s ear can see what an opportunistic skank she is.”

  “Right,” I said, still eyeballing my glass.

  “Drink it, it’s wonderful champagne. Daddy has the finest vineyard on all the planes of existence.”

  “That’s lovely, but I’m a Vampyre. I drink blood, not grape juice.”

  “Okay, ewww, but you’re a Demon too and you’re in Hell. Try it.”

  I lifted the glass to my lips feeling like I was somehow betraying my Vampyre heritage, but when in Hell… Forcing a bright smile I took a sip and it tasted like ass. Not that I knew what ass tasted like, but it was bad, stinky and gross and I couldn’t have been happier. There was still some Vamp in me. I spit the offending liquid back into the glass and grinned.

  “Bad?” Dixie laughed.

  “Very,” I choked out.

  “And that makes you happy why?”

  “Because I haven’t totally lost myself.”

  “I don’t get it, but I’m glad you’re happy. Come on, let’s get this evening over with.”

  “Lead on, dear cousin.”

  Chapter Seven

  The Grand Ballroom was even more ornate than the Foyer. The marble floors were encrusted with precious gemstones; rubies, sapphires, emeralds, and diamonds and ten of the most gorgeous crystal chandeliers I’d ever seen spilled down from the ceilings. It was waaay over the top in my book, but Demons clearly enjoy the sparkly.

  I was guessing by the looks of things that everyone who was anyone in Hell was here and I had a bad feeling that I was going to be part of the festivities. The covert pointing and whispering didn’t help. They made me feel like a freak. Speaking of, I spotted Carl and… Sweet Baby Cousin Jesus, was that Janet? Carl had his arm around the most delicately pretty woman I’d seen in Hell yet. She wasn’t a knockout like Dixie and her sisters, but she was a timeless beauty.

  She was small with a Cupid’s bow mouth, glittering gold eyes, rounded pink cheeks and a gorgeous mane of chestnut hair. The only giveaway were her stubby little fingers. I recognized those from the therapy session earlier. She wore a simple black dress and flats and looked extremely uncomfortable and insecure. Carl kept his arm tightly around her and growled at any male Demon that even glanced Janet’s way.

  “Dixie, look. There’s Carl and Janet,” I said, pulling her to a stop so she could see.

  “Oh my Hell,” she gasped. “She’s beautiful without the beard and stache.”

  They were too far away for us to call out and I quickly lost sight of them as more Demons filed into the Grand Ballroom.

  “Follow me, we’ll find them later,” Dixie instructed as we moved to an area near a gothic three story stained glass window that was reserved for Lucifer’s family. I spotted Greed, Envy, Lust and four others who had to be the rest of the Sins. They were stupidly gorgeous and waving us over. My gait slowed.

  “Don’t worry, Astrid. They have to behave here,” Dixie said, pulling my reluctant body toward the Seven Deadly Sins.

  “Did you know when a male octo
pus finds his mate he rips his own penis off and throws it at her? She then inseminates herself and he grows another one,” Envy told her sisters, much to their disgust. “Oh Astrid, you look to die for,” she gushed.

  “Already dead,” I replied, hoping she was done with her sea creature sex stories. My response elicited laughter from my gaggle of dangerous cousins.

  “Isn’t she lovely, girls?” Envy asked, looking directly at Lust who turned away in anger. What was that about?

  A breathtaking blonde eyed me with interest. She had the same eyes and build as her sisters, but her coloring was vastly different. “I’ve been waiting for you,” she said in a voice that was even more hypnotic than her father’s. “I’m Wrath.”

  I stood and stared mutely at her. She was one powerful Demon. Wrath stood and approached. Every instinct I had was to step back, but I held my ground. Being tested repeatedly in Hell was wearing me out.

  “Nice to meet you, Wrath.” I held out my hand, but she took me in her arms and laid a big wet one dangerously close to my mouth. Alrighty then. Her arms around my body were drenched in magic—strong magic. “You are very powerful,” she whispered in my ear, sending shivers of sheer terror down my spine. “It’s good to have you here.”

  “Um, thanks,” I said, extricating myself and moving away. I knew I may have lost a few points by moving out of lip range, but I had no intention of making out with my Cousin Wrath.

  “Did you realize that huge penises were thought to be disgusting in Ancient Greece? That’s why all the statues are sporting itty bitty marble man junk,” Envy said, reading straight from her phone.

  “Give me the phone before I zap it and shove it up your ass,” one of the sisters I hadn’t been introduced to said. It had to be Gluttony, Pride or Sloth… I was betting on Sloth. Although beautiful, she was a wrinkled mess and looked as if she’d just rolled out of bed.

  “That’s Sloth,” Dixie said, confirming my guess. Sloth grinned and nodded. “And the other two are Pride and Gluttony.” All three girls had varying shades of dark brown hair and golden eyes. They were identical for all intents and purposes, only little things made them differ. It was difficult to tell them apart except for Sloth’s sloppiness. “They’re triplets,” Dixie added.

  “Wow.” It was all I could think of to say. This was a whole new world of strange. I was a bit overwhelmed by my new family and not in a warm and fuzzy way.

  “So Dixie,” Greed said with her hands clasped in excitement. “I think you’re going to be assigned tonight.”

  “But I’m too young,” she gasped. She grabbed my arm so tightly I was sure a bone would snap. Her dismay and fear were so evident that I stayed still and let her maim me. I was a Vamp. I’d heal.

  “Oh, honey child, I was fourteen when I got assigned,” Greed laughed and kissed her forehead.

  What the hell did assigned mean? Clearly Dixie wasn’t on board with it.

  “That was eight hundred years ago,” Dixie said.

  “You’re twenty,” Envy chimed in, “and for whatever reason, Daddy thinks you’re going to come into a bunch of power very soon.”

  “Wouldn’t it be better if I was at home when my powers emerged?” my sweet and terrified cousin asked.

  “Nope.” Envy smiled and ran her beautifully manicured hand down Dixie’s cheek. “There are things happening that need to be dealt with and Daddy thinks you’re the gal to do it.”

  Dixie was on the verge of tears and I was sure my arm would never be the same. I was tempted to ask what they were talking about, but I was afraid if I opened my mouth I would scream in pain.

  “I haven’t had much training and I suck at being a Demon,” Dixie said desperately.

  “Oh baby,” Sloth cooed, pulling her close and thankfully disengaging her from my arm. “You’re a beautiful Demon. None of us were trained before we were assigned. Lucifer believes in on the job training. You can’t conquer the world without failing miserably first, sweetie.”

  “What if all I do is fail?” she whispered.

  “You won’t, my darling.” Wrath smiled and gave her baby sister a quick hug.

  “Of course you can bring your imaginary friend,” Lust said and elbowed Pride with glee. Dixie blushed a deep red and stared at the floor. She certainly seemed a little old for an imaginary friend, but who was I to judge? Growing up in Hell surrounded by nightmare inducing siblings had to be hard.

  “Shut up, Lust. Stop being a bitch.” Wrath turned on Lust so quickly the air around us cooled. Lust closed her mouth and stared daggers at her sister. “You do not want to fuck with me,” Wrath hissed, advancing on Lust.

  “Enough,” Greed snapped and separated her sisters before they had a go at each other. If this was good behavior, I would hate to see the alternative.

  “Ohhhh, here he comes,” Sloth said, causing all to stand at attention.

  A hush fell over the room as Satan entered. His beauty was absurd. Demons were an extraordinary looking race, but Satan put all to shame. His black Armani suit fit to perfection and he wore his black silk shirt open at the neck. It wasn’t just his looks, it was his aura—something intangible. Sheer unadulterated power. It was obvious by the reaction in the room that he instilled rabid loyalty, adoration and fear. He was beloved by his people and despised by his enemies. And he clearly loved being in charge.

  “Good evening, my Demons,” Satan laughed, showing even white teeth and dimples that brought women to their knees. My cousin Greed snuck up behind me, poked me in the ribs and made a gagging sound as all the women in the room swooned over her father—my uncle. I stifled my grin and watched the drama unfold.

  “Greed,” Dixie whispered in a panic, “am I getting assigned because I sent money to feed humans?”

  “Of course not,” Greed whispered back. “Now hush.”

  She did.

  “Welcome my people,” the Devil’s voice boomed through the Grand Ballroom. His second in command, Cole, stood on his right and the skanky consort Amanda stood on his left.

  “That’s certainly new,” Envy said under her breath.

  “What’s new?” I asked, looking around. Dumb question because everything was new to me, but I was curious and Envy was approachable… kind of.

  “I’ve never known a consort to stand so close to him at a public event. She has some big balls.” Envy glanced around at her sisters who were watching their father and mistress with great concern.

  “Tonight is a night for celebration.” He grinned and my breath caught. His beauty was ridiculous. “My consort carries my child and she tells me it’s a son.”

  A gasp went through the crowd and my cousins froze. A giant wave of applause engulfed the ballroom.

  “How is that possible?” Wrath hissed. “He’s never sired a son. Only daughters.”

  “I don’t know,” Envy shrugged in confusion.

  “Is it his?” Sloth asked.

  “If it’s not, she’s dead.” Lust laughed. “Personally I hope it’s not. I can’t stand that bitch.”

  Amanda smiled at the crowd and rubbed her yet to pop belly. Damn, as much as I didn’t like her, I had to agree with Lust. Amanda was gross. The crowd eyed the consort with distrust. The applause continued, but there was much speculative whispering. She moved to Satan and put her arms around him, trying to establish ownership, but apparently that was a little premature for one who had not yet borne him a child. My uncle peeled her off and walked away, leaving her humiliated and alone.

  “Is this how it was when I was conceived?” Dixie asked her sisters.

  “No, we didn’t know anything about you till Daddy brought you to Hell when you were three years old.”

  “Where was I for my first three years?”

  “Probably with your imaginary friend.” Lust laughed at her cruel joke.

  “Why don’t you leave her alone,” I snapped. I’d had just about enough of her and her shitty attitude. Dixie had just learned something shocking she never knew before.

  “Why don�
�t you make me,” she shot back. Her eyes turned red and dark magic seeped out of her. I knew my own eyes turned green and I itched to take her out.

  “My pleasure.” I stepped toward her.

  “While I’d love to see Astrid kick your skinny ass,” Wrath grinned, “now is not the time or place.”

  We both backed off, but this was far from over.

  “We don’t know where you were,” Greed told Dixie, ignoring the fact that a girl fight had just been averted. “But we’re happy you’re ours.”

  “I wonder if Amanda got the memo that once you bear Satan’s child that he kicks your ass to the curb.” Pride muttered and straightened her immaculate hair.

  “Clearly big fake lipped and fake boobed Amanda doesn’t think that applies to her since she plans to blow out a boy,” Wrath said thoughtfully.

  “You do realize that her Sexy Pet name is Donkey Nipples,” Envy grunted, trying not to laugh. I bit down on my lip and held my own laughter in. I suppose it was good they were funny considering they were as dangerous as all get out.

  “Yes, that had occurred to me.” Greed giggled and high fived her sister. “I dare you to call her that,” she challenged.

  “I’ll do it,” I said with pure immature bravado, imagining the horrified look on Amanda’s face. “Wait… can I get killed for that?”

  “No,” Wrath said. “You are a guest. We don’t have guests killed very often.”

  “Good to know,” I mumbled and wondered why I offered to put my head on the chopping block. Did I want them to like me? Was I so desperate for a family that I would risk my life to make them laugh… Apparently yes. I needed to get out of here. I had a much nicer, if slightly unstable family on Earth.

  “Holy shit,” Gluttony gasped. It was the first time I heard her speak and it was like music. “Did you realize that the main characters in Sponge Bob Square Pants were based on us?” She was of course on Facebook. The sheer irony…

  “Who am I? Patrick?” Sloth asked with a huge grin.

  “Yep,” Gluttony told her. “And I’m Gary.”

  “Am I Plankton?” Wrath asked.