Fashionably Dead Down Under (Hot Damned Series, Book 2) Read online

  “Nope, you’re Squidward. Greed is Mr. Crabs, Envy is Plankton, Pride is Sandy and Lust is Sponge Bob,” Gluttony sputtered.

  “How in the living Hell am I Sponge Bob?” Lust demanded. “There isn’t one sexy thing about Sponge Bob.”

  “Don’t know, sexy pants, but that’s what Facebook says, so it’s true.”

  “Bullshit,” Lust griped. “Facebook sucks.”

  “Quiet, Daddy’s not finished dropping bombs.” Envy shushed her sisters.

  “He’s losing his fucking mind,” Wrath hissed with disgust.

  “I couldn’t agree more,” Lust added.

  Were they serious? Was Lucifer insane? If he was, what did that mean for me? Would I ever get out of Hell if he’d lost his marbles? Shitshitdamnshit. I moved stealthily behind Wrath and Lust just in case they had anymore nuggets of wisdom to impart. I needed to be armed with everything and anything I could learn.

  “Another reason I have called you here tonight is to celebrate my beautiful daughter Dixie.”

  The Demonic crowd went wild. She may not be evil, but she was certainly well liked. Satan held his hand out to her and she went to him like a moth to a flame. His magic filled the room and his power was undeniable. If he had gone crazy we were all in for a hell of a ride.

  “It is your turn to be assigned,” he told Dixie. “You shall transport to Earth in six months and serve me well.”

  Dixie’s chin dropped to her chest and her shoulders slumped forward. I barely heard her whisper, “Yes, Father.”

  Two large fingers lifted her chin, forcing her to meet his gaze. “This is not a punishment,” he said quietly, “it’s your birth rite and your duty.”

  “I know, Daddy,” she replied, “and I’m honored to serve you.”

  “You have no idea who you are yet,” he told her.

  “Would you like to give me a hint?” Dixie gave him a lopsided smile. A wash of light laughter went through the crowd of Demons watching the exchange between Satan and his daughter.

  “It’s not my way to pave a path of ease,” he said. “I fear I may have done too much for you already.”

  “I would quite agree with that,” Amanda hissed under their breath.

  Oops, guess Amanda didn’t get the memo about Satan’s super duper mega hearing skills. His body stiffened in rage and his power and anger bounced off the walls of the Grand Ballroom. The crowd of Demons gasped in delight, dying for a bloody showdown. I couldn’t help that I hoped he would destroy her as well. I felt a strong strand of magic and power jolt through my body as I owned my evil thoughts about Amanda. It felt good—entirely too good.

  The Devil slowly turned to his consort and with a deadly calm ground out, “You will never interrupt me when I am talking to one of my children. Ever again.”

  Amanda blanched and dropped to her knees. Satan stared at her for a moment as a snicker went through the crowd of Demons. She trembled with fury. Her fisted hands pressed to her sides were a sure giveaway. She was an idiot of epic proportions.

  “She had better have a boy and it better be his or Amanda is toast,” Greed snickered.

  Satan raised his eyes to the room, clearly dismissing his furious consort. “Who will accompany my prized daughter Dixie to Earth in six months? Who will earn my favor by risking their immortality for a Child of Lucifer?”

  The crowd murmured and looked around to see who was brave enough or stupid enough to go with her.

  All of what I assumed to be Satan’s generals including his second, Cole, stepped forward immediately. That was to be expected and Satan nodded his approval. What came next I didn’t expect.

  “Who of my people will pose as a family for my daughter so she may continue her education and embarrass me with her appallingly high grades?” He grinned at Dixie. A giggle escaped her lips and she blushed. Methinks he might be just a little bit proud of her brains…

  “I will protect her,” I heard a familiar male voice shout, “and tho will my Mate.”

  “I too will lay down my life for the Demon Princess Dixie,” another familiar voice added.

  WTF? I turned to see Carl, Janet and Myrtle standing in front of Satan. He stepped menacingly toward Dixie’s therapy group and much to my great surprise, they held their ground.

  “Why,” he bellowed, “should I let my prize go with three Demons who are not evil?”

  “Because we will not betray you or Dixie,” Myrtle told Satan without batting an eyelash. “And with all due respect, you know full well we are evil, we’re just a little out of practice.” Myrtle was on a roll as she straightened her tracksuit and pulled on a piece of her hair. “We are as evil as any Demon in the room, but we also feel compassion. Which quite honestly makes us far more dangerous to an enemy and more useful to you than a Demon who is only out for himself.” She rocked back and forth on her black Pumas and waited.

  Satan laughed. He laughed hard. The Devil was so beautiful when he laughed I had to struggle to breathe. His allure was alarming—not sexual, but addictive. He picked up a shocked Myrtle in his huge hands and kissed her. First her left cheek and then her right. She blushed a furious red and looked down at the floor.

  “Yes,” he said, his melodic voice still coated with mirth. “You are right, Myrtle, Keeper of Secrets. You, Carl the Destroyer and Janet the Atrocity Maker will go with my child. Kneel to me,” he commanded and they did. He laid his hands on each of them and they shuddered as a glittering black mist wafted over them.

  “What just happened?” I asked Envy.

  “He made them stronger,” she replied.

  Satan glanced over and crooked his finger at me. His charm was magnetic and I drifted to him in the same way Dixie had. The crowd began to murmur with fear and displeasure as I approached my uncle. I held my head high and ignored the dissent around me.

  “This is my niece, Astrid,” Satan bellowed, effectively ending the chatter. Every eye in the house was trained on me. “She is a Demon and a Vampyre. She is the Chosen One of the Vampyre lore. She is my guest and will be treated with utmost respect. She has the ability to kill and has done us a great service.”

  Oh shit, did they not know that I killed my daddy? How was that going to go over?

  “She has eliminated my brother and for that I am most grateful.”

  The crowd gasped and dropped to their knees. If this was for me, Satan or my dead evil pappy, I was unsure.

  “Is he gone for good?” A Demon yelled from the crowd.

  “Oh, yes.” Satan laughed and embraced me. “He was eaten.”

  “She ate her father?” someone else yelled.

  I gagged and almost threw up in my mouth a bit at the thought.

  “No, she did not, but that is her story to tell if she wishes.”

  I glanced at my uncle, grateful that he didn’t out my Baby Demons. I was sure that if he knew my dad had been eaten, he was aware I had instructed my Baby Demons to do it. I did not want them to be a target. The applause started slowly, but crescendoed into a deafening roar. Well, my dad definitely didn’t have any friends in Hell. Nice.

  “I think it’s an abomination to host a bloodsucker,” Amanda said, stepping forward. She held her head high and her bulbous lips settled in an unattractive sneer.

  “Is that so, my consort?” Satan asked, enjoying her hostility. His arm tightened around me, but for all intents and purposes he looked completely relaxed to the crowd.

  “Yes,” she said and coyly batted her eyelashes at him. “She is below us and doesn’t belong here.”

  “Interesting. Would you like to challenge her?” he asked.

  Challenge me to what?

  Amanda blanched and glanced around the room looking for support. A fairly large number of Demons clapped, the rest watched warily. I tried to catalog some of her supporters. They were possibly the ones who would happily lead me to a portal if my presence was such a blight on the community.

  “If I wasn’t with child, I would destroy her,” she hissed.

  I’d h
ad enough between Lust and the cheap silicone floozy insulting me. I didn’t want to be here and it was quite obvious I wasn’t wanted. There was no way in hell I would reveal that I was with child too, but her cakehole needed to be shut. “Well first of all, Pamela… whoops, I meant Donkey Nipples, although I could level your ass with my eyes shut I don’t think I’d have too much fun, but I’d love to take you out after you give birth, so please by all means pencil me in.”

  “My name is Amanda,” she ground out through clenched teeth.

  “That’s what I said.” I grinned when I saw all my cousins from Hell giving me the thumbs up.

  “Enough,” Satan insisted, but his eyes glittered with amusement. “My consort shouldn’t be upset.” He released me and took her in his arms. She melted into him and he whispered something in her ear that made her purr like a kitten. She sauntered back and took her place near Cole smiling like a Cheshire cat.

  “So,” my scarily beautiful uncle told his people, “Astrid is to learn the ways of her people. We are indebted to her and shall treat her accordingly.”

  I glanced over the crowd. They weren’t pleased, but it didn’t seem that there was going to be a riot. No one was stupid enough to cross Satan. With a nod from my uncle, I went back to my cousins.

  “Enough with formalities,” Satan shouted to his adoring crowd. “Let the party begin.”

  The Demons surged the area where Satan stood, trying to get a word or a touch in. He was a god to them. A living, breathing, beautiful, evil god.

  “That was outstanding,” Wrath said, coming in for another lip lock. Thankfully Dixie pulled me into a non-sexual hug and I escaped Wrath’s lovin’.

  “She hates you,” Greed said. “Look at her.”

  Sure enough Amanda was sneering at me, her teeth bared in what I guessed to be blatant Demon aggression. I smiled and winked. She turned an unattractive mottled red and mouthed, “You’re dead.”

  “Did she just threaten my life?” I asked Wrath who was watching with great interest.

  “I believe she did,” Wrath answered. “What ever shall you do about it?”

  Killing her was out of the question. Too many witnesses, plus I was working without my Vamp powers and she was pregnant. But wait—when in Hell… I let Amanda’s anger and discontent wash over me and I absorbed it. A strong wave of dark magic ripped through me and it felt good. I glanced over at Lust and let my body take in her ire too. This was almost too easy. My fingers tingled and I saw the black glitter covering them. Could I do it? Should I do it? I may as well try something small to figure out if I could protect myself in real danger.

  I raised my fingers and pointed at Amanda’s overly blown up sneering lips and I flicked. I watched my magic, a gorgeous mist of black glitter, travel from my fingertips to her mouth...and it popped. I popped her enhanced lips and they deflated like a flat tire. She looked ridiculous and I laughed. She quickly slapped her hand over her mouth and shrieked.

  Satan turned his attention to her. “What’s wrong?” he snapped impatiently.

  “Nothing,” she said from behind her hand, staring daggers at me. “I bit my lip, excuse me.” She left. Quickly.

  “What was that about?” Satan turned to where we were huddled laughing. We all shrugged innocently, but his gaze narrowed in on me. Holy Hell he was magnetic. To hide my fear and guilt, I smiled and waved. Thankfully his attention was demanded by his people and I was safe—for the moment.

  “Brilliant,” Greed congratulated me. The rest looked on with approval.

  “The sheer fact that you called her Donkey Nipples makes me love you,” Pride offered dryly. “You’re alright with me.”

  Dixie squeezed my hand and grinned. I was fitting in with the Seven Deadly Sins and it felt good. Was this what it was like to have sisters?

  “Has Astrid met Grandpa yet?” Sloth inquired as we began to head out.

  “We have a grandpa?” Help me Cousin Jesus. I couldn’t imagine he was going to be delighted that I’d offed his son.

  “Oh, yes,” Sloth told me, clenching her teeth like she was talking to a puppy or a baby. “You’ll love him. Why isn’t he here?” she asked her sisters.

  “Because there are too many of us present. Besides, he’s still recovering from the broken ribs and concussion you gave him,” Gluttony snapped.

  “You broke his collarbone last month,” Sloth countered nastily.

  WTF? They beat up their grandpa?

  “Whatever. He heals.”

  Groping with the thought of these gals performing a smackdown on their grandpa, I revised my thoughts about having sisters.

  Chapter Eight

  The party had been interesting but exhausting. Most of the Demons kept their distance, but a few adventurous Minions of the Devil offered up their necks and begged to find out if being bitten was as sexual as they’d been led to believe. I politely declined and stuck close to my cousins. Not that I really wanted to hang out with the Facebook addicted freaks, but everyone gave them a wide berth due to the simple fact that they were scarier than Hell itself and they were using the Facebook Insult Creator to all in their path. My favorite of the evening was Dicknose Boner Socket. I would store that one for future use.

  Uncle Satan held court with scads of fawning women. His magic and power filled the room to the point I almost felt claustrophobic at times. Amanda never came back. I idly wondered if they had plastic surgeons in Hell or if she’d have to take a trip to Earth to fix her kisser. Next time I’d pop her boobs.

  “So why did your sisters beat up your grandpa?” I asked. Curled up on Dixie’s couch with a borrowed pair of comfy sweats, I was much happier than I’d been a short hour ago.

  She giggled. “They didn’t beat him up. He’s just so adorable that they get overexcited and squeeze him too hard.”

  “I’m sorry, what?”

  “It’s difficult to explain. You’ll get it when you meet him.”

  “Look, here’s the thing, I’m not staying around much longer so if you want me to meet Grandpa and Grandma you should call them and invite them over.”

  Dixie blanched and put her hand over my mouth. “Sweet Baby Satan, do not mention grandma. Don’t even whisper about her. The last time she was here Daddy had to rebuild his entire mansion.”

  “Your, um… the person married to your Grandpa knocked down your dad’s monster party house?”

  “Yes.”

  “I was joking,” I said, trying to wrap my head around the kind of power Grandma must have.

  “I wasn’t.” Dixie shuddered and peered fearfully around her living room.

  “Is she here?” I asked, worried that I’d conjured up something better left alone.

  “No, but she can hear everything.”

  “Demons can hear everything?” I gasped and looked under the couch. Fuck, Dixie was making me nervous.

  “She’s not a Demon.” She giggled, but didn’t let her guard down. She searched the room carefully.

  “What the hell is she then?” What else was in my bloodline besides Vampyre and Demon?

  “Shhh,” Dixie said, rushing to her window. “No more or she’ll hear us and that would suck beyond anything you could imagine.”

  Her fear was real and my curiosity was piqued. Was my grandma on my daddy’s side as heinous as my mother? My mother was here in Hell… A stupid, pathetic and needy part of me wanted to see her, but I assumed she was in the Basement and that could be an image thousands of years of therapy would be unable to erase. The simple fact that I still wanted her love me was mind-boggling. However, since I’d been the one who killed her and inadvertently sent her to the Basement, I knew that wouldn’t bode well for a mommy-daughter get together.

  “Okay, relax your crack,” I told her. “Let’s talk about me getting out of here before my mate takes it upon himself to come and get me.”

  “He can’t,” Dixie said, still staring out of the window.

  “What do you mean?” My heart sank and I placed my hands over my secret
inside my tummy. Without my power, I suppose I somehow thought Ethan would be able to save me.

  “Vampyres can’t exist in Hell. Wait, I think they can survive for a couple of days, but I can’t remember how many.”

  I jumped up and yanked her away from the window. “What would happen to a Vampyre in Hell and why isn’t it happening to me?”

  “Astrid, you’re half Demon—you’re fine,” she said reassuringly. “But a pure Vampyre will suffer a brutal death down here.”

  “What happens? Is it at the hands of the Demons?”

  “No, Demons can’t kill.”

  “Bullshit,” I hissed. “My father was a Demon and he killed so cut the crap about how sweet and harmless you people are.” I paced the room. I had to move or I would burst. I wanted to crawl out of my skin. I wanted to go home. I needed Ethan.

  “You’re one of us,” she whispered, backing away.

  “No. I’m not,” I shot back, getting angrier by the second.

  “Look at your arms.”

  Lifting my hands in front of me, I gasped. The black sparkling gloves were back which meant the place could blow any second.

  “Son of a… ” I muttered and quickly shut my eyes and pulled images of people I loved to the forefront of my mind. It was harder this time. The glitter crawled up my arms and began to cover my chest. Ethan, Nana, Gemma. Not working… Pam, The Kev, Venus. It crept higher and I felt the warm dark magic on my neck. The problem was that it felt good. I liked it. I wanted it. No. No, the darkness didn’t own me. I owed it. Motherfucker… My baby. My beautiful sweet little boy. I pictured a perfect tiny replica of Ethan and the heat that tried to control my body began to recede.

  “You’re amazing,” Dixie said. “How did you do that?”

  “Which part?” I asked, making sure my evil gloves were gone.

  “Either.”

  “Not sure,” I told her. “Although it seems to have something to do with getting pissed off.”

  “Can you absorb evil and anger around you?”

  “I did at the party. That’s how I popped Amanda’s lips.”

  “Which by the way was awesome.” Dixie grinned and I joined her.