A Tale Of Two Witches Read online

  “Why wasn’t I invited to this party?” Baba Yaga demanded, coughing up mounds of glitter as she poofed into the room dressed like she’d just been rejected from an open call for a Madonna video—cone bra and everything.

  Thankfully she was traveling solo today. She’d left her nasty bobble-headed warlock posse at home.

  “Not exactly a party,” Zelda grunted, waving the smoke away. “You’re gonna have to come up with a less lung burning entrance in the future. I have babies now.”

  “Ohhhh, the babies!” Baba Yaga squealed with delight and waved her hands in the air. All of the smoke and glitter disappeared. However, teddy bears and lollipops began to rain from the ceiling.

  “Nope,” Mac ground out. “No more damned stuffed animals, and they don’t even eat food yet—so no candy.”

  “Spoil sport,” Baba Yaga muttered as she wiggled her nose and made the toys and treats vanish.

  “Hello darling,” Fabio said, laying a juicy smooch on our leader.

  Zelda’s gag was audible and I giggled. Carol aka Baba Yaga aka Baba Yoihavenotasteinclothes was our personal nightmare and also our savior. Our time spent in the pokey was probably the best thing that ever happened to Zelda and me—not that I would ever freely admit that piece of information. We were both headed down an unsteady path back then. I still thought that nine months in the Big House was excessive, but whatever. I got a BFF, and a new home, new friends, new rodents and the love of my life out of it. So I’d do it again in a heartbeat if I had to.

  Goddess, I’d probably be somewhere like Iowa blowing up buildings of it wasn’t for Baba Yobuttinski.

  “To what do we owe the pleasure?” Marge asked her sister as they air kissed and then hugged soundly.

  Watching two of the most powerful witches that the Goddess had created hug each other was a little unnerving, but also kind of sweet in a terrifying way.

  “Well,” Baba Yaga said playing with the hundreds of black rubber bracelets on her arms. “I’ve got a hellacious little issue that I need to make you people aware of.”

  “If it’s deadly, we really don’t have time right now. I have to meet Bermangoggleasshole and I need to be at full power,” I said and then winced at the sheer and very stupid fact that I’d just backtalked Baba Yoicanputyoubackinthepokey.

  “Interesting—and brave—that you would say that, Sassy,” Baba Yaga purred. She crossed over to me as I did my best to not run for the hills. She twisted one of my curls on her finger and examined me like I was a science experiment. “This timing couldn’t be better.”

  “So I’m not going back to the pokey?” I whispered, standing as still as a statue and holding my breath.

  “Of course not!” she said with a laugh. “I’m happy to see that you’re growing some balls.”

  With a covert glance down to my crotch, I heaved a huge sigh of relief. One could never tell if the Baba Yaga was speaking literally.

  No nads. I was safe.

  “Carol, don’t say his name,” Marge warned. “We’ve already said it twice. Tell us what’s going on, but be careful.”

  “What are we calling him?” Baba Yaga asked.

  All eyes turned to me. Remembering what Baby Audrey had told me, I pushed it aside. She was a baby—albeit a telepathically- talking-magical-baby-witch-slash-werewolf—but she was wrong about all daddies loving their daughters. Although who could blame her? All she’d known in her short time on the Goddess’s green earth was love. There was no way I was calling that man Dada. I would stick with something more fitting.

  “Shit-titty,” I announced to the room.

  “Seriously?” Baba Yaga questioned my choice with a grimace of distaste.

  “Yes,” I confirmed to snickers from the crowd. “It fits.”

  “You’ve clearly been hanging around Marge,” Baba muttered. “Fine. Shit-titty, it is.”

  “And?” Zelda prompted. “Has Shit-titty done something bad?”

  “Shit-titty is always doing something bad,” Baba Yaga said flatly. “However, it seems it’s more his minions than him at the moment—which is difficult to grasp.”

  “How so?” Fabio asked.

  “Apparently, they’ve summoned a Legion,” Baba Yaga informed us.

  And the group went silent—very silent. This news was unwelcome and unheard of. It was the stuff real life magical nightmares were made of. Only Jeeves and Mac seemed confused.

  “A Legion?” Jeeves asked.

  “Demons. Shit-titty and his dumbasses summoned a group of demons,” I choked out.

  Why in the hell did I have to be saddled with the worst father ever? I mean, wasn’t the orphanage enough? Now this?

  “I know Roy is vicious and unstable, but I find it difficult to believe he’s summoned a Legion. It’s against everything we believe—punishable by a fiery and gruesome death. Has he fallen that far?” Marge asked, seating herself at the large kitchen table and letting her head fall to her hands.

  “My thoughts exactly.” Baba joined her sister at the table and gently rubbed her back.

  “How many?” Jeeves asked.

  “From reports, I believe there are two demons on earth right now,” Baba said, sounding very tired.

  “So let’s just kill them,” I suggested. “Or send them back to hell.”

  “And while we’re at it, why don’t we send Shit-titty and his evil minions there too?” Zelda added, clearly on board with my plan. I loved my BFF.

  “Little easier said than done,” Fabio explained.

  “Because?” I asked.

  Baba Yaga glanced over at Fabio and nodded curtly. Marge’s head was still in her hands and I wondered if she was crying.

  “Because only witches and warlocks with dark magic can banish demons.” Fabio was incredibly uncomfortable and uneasy. “It’s very complicated and tends to end in death.”

  “For the demons?” Zelda asked, narrowing her eyes at her father.

  “For the witches.” Marge’s voice was muffled due to her position, but we heard her loud and clear.

  “So let me get this straight… Bermangooglewanker’s evil stanky douche canoes summoned a bunch of really bad fuckers from the underworld. Right?” I asked.

  “So far so good,” Baba said. “Choice of language is appalling, but then…”

  “Let her talk.” Marge shushed Carol and watched me closely.

  “And we’re not sure my Sperm Donor has anything to do with it?”

  “We’re not sure,” Baba confirmed. “However, we can’t rule it out.”

  I began to pace. Ideas were coming fast and furious. This was not good considering the last few ideas I’d had were to make Cookie Witch date my bad father and getting my Virginia varnished, but whatever. We had a problem and the problem was quite possibly my father. Somehow, this was my responsibility. I wasn’t sure how I came to that conclusion, but it felt right. Plus my waxed va-jay-jay had turned out pretty good—not all my ideas sucked.

  “Why? Why don’t you think it’s him?” I asked.

  “Shit-titty prefers to kill with magic. The mayhem the Legion and the warlocks are causing is graphically violent and they’re using weapons.”

  “Guns?” Zelda asked with an angry frown on her face.

  “Machetes.” Baba Yaga stood and approached both Zelda and me. “Machetes bathed in hellfire.”

  I wasn’t sure why Baba Yaga was coming for us, but I knew it wouldn’t bode well for my happily ever after.

  “Who are they targeting?” Mac asked. “Other witches?”

  Baba Yaga paused and glanced back at Mac. “All magicals. Witches, warlocks, Shifters… you name it.”

  “Vampires?” Jeeves questioned.

  Baba Yaga shrugged and puffed up her already huge hair. “Not sure,” she admitted. “None that I’ve heard of, yet. They’ve hit Chicago and Cleveland. Took out a number of witches and warlocks, but the Shifters aren’t city dwellers so the losses aren’t as dire for them.”

  “Yet,” Jeeves said with a growl.


  “Correct.” She nodded and then turned her attention back to Zelda and me. “So, what I…”

  “Hold that thought,” I said, much to the surprise of Baba and the others. “I need to say a few things.”

  “Go ahead,” Baba instructed with raised brows.

  I wasn’t sure if she still liked my balls or if she was seconds away from zapping my ass like the Goddess did, but I didn’t care.

  “I’ve got a plan,” I announced. I was certain someone groaned, but I couldn’t place it. “First off, we can’t meet Shit-titty in Assjacket. It’s too dangerous and I love too many of the people here. We need to find a large deserted area.”

  “She’s making sense,” Zelda crowed and did a little jig around me.

  “I am?” I asked, delighted.

  “You are, Baby,” Jeeves said with a grin that made my heart sing. He then leaned in and whispered, “If you go too left of center, I have your back.”

  “Promise?”

  “With everything I am. I will always have your back.”

  “You’re totally gonna score for that,” I said as quietly as I could.

  Clearly it wasn’t quiet enough if the laughter in the room was anything to go by.

  “While I’m impressed with your thinking—because who knew you could even do that—I beg to differ about Assjacket,” Baba Yaga said.

  Was she high? Had she inhaled too much hairspray over the hundreds of years she’d been alive? No evil motherhumpers were coming within a two hundred miles of my people.

  “You can beg the dipper until the cows lay eggs,” I told her with no intention of backing down, even if she sentenced me to more time in the pokey. “But my geriatric rodent children live here along with a bunch of Shifters who are not disposable.”

  “Word of the Day?” Zelda inquired.

  “Yep! So get that plan out of your over hair-sprayed brain or I’ll crawl in there and yank it out, old lady.”

  “You should really stop while you’re ahead,” Zelda recommended, making the zip the lip sign.

  With an enormous eye roll, Baba Yaga thankfully ignored my violent insult and went on. “Your people will be safer if you meet Shit-titty in your own territory.”

  “Explain,” Fabio said, clearly wondering where the Yaga was going with this.

  “Only dark can fight dark. If Assjacket—and is this town really named Assjacket?”

  “No, but I renamed it,” Zelda chimed in.

  “Of course you did,” Baba replied dryly. “But as I was saying, there’s a fine chance if Shit-titty and his minions know where you live, they will attack when you’re away. However, I do know two witches that could ward this town from dark magic and enable you to meet Shit-titty and his minions on your own turf.”

  “You do?” I asked, amazed and a little pissed that she didn’t start with that nugget of information. “How much will it cost us to get them in?”

  “Don’t know. How much do you charge?” she asked with a grin and the smallest eye roll she could muster.

  Sweet Goddess in a mankini, she was talking about me and Zelda. We both had dark magic. I had no clue how to use it, but…

  “NOPE,” Mac, Jeeves and Fabio yelled in unison.

  “Hang on a second here,” Zelda said before the tension in the room resulted in a smack down. “What if we ward the town and meet him somewhere else? Wouldn’t that be safer?”

  It was a good point, but…

  “No,” I said, much to my surprise and everyone else’s. “Zelda, we’re stronger here. I feel it, don’t you?”

  Sighing and pulling on her hair, Zelda nodded. “I do, but bringing him to Assjacket is risky, especially if the demons are with him.”

  “You do have other assets here,” Baba Yaga reminded us.

  She was correct, but I didn’t like it at all. Mac, our King had been given the gift of affinity with the earth and Fabio was a very powerful warlock in his own right. However, Jeeves was sweet and only a Shifter. There was no way I would let him get hurt. I’d die for Jeeves in a heartbeat. And no one in this town possessed dark magic except me, Zelda and the babies—and well, the babies were babies. They’d be napping during the showdown or my name wasn’t Sassy Louise Bermangoggleshitz Pants.

  I had no plans to use the assets. Actually, I had no real plans at all, but that had never stopped me before.

  “So we don’t invite him,” I suggested, as the rusty and wildly underused wheels in my brain creaked into action.

  “Not following,” Zelda said. “We either bring him here or not.”

  “Exactly,” I agreed much to the confusion of my friends.

  “May I?” Jeeves asked me with a smile.

  “Umm… sure.”

  “I think what Sassy is saying is that we give him no warning. When she and Zelda are ready, we say Shit-titty’s real name three times and take him by surprise. If he doesn’t know he’s coming, he won’t have time to prepare.”

  “That’s exactly what I meant! Goddess, that was so hot,” I gushed at my smexy kangaroo.

  “It’s not a bad plan,” Baba Yaga said with an impressed nod to me.

  “I still don’t like that we could be opening Pandora’s Box,” Fabio muttered, deeply concerned.

  “They’d make their way here eventually,” Marge informed us in a no nonsense tone. “I’m surprised they didn’t start here.”

  “Why?” Zelda demanded. “Shit-titty doesn’t know that Sassy’s his daughter. He only knows he has a daughter.”

  “Whoa, shut the front door,” I shouted. “I thought he knew I was me and wanted to meet me.”

  “Goddess no,” Zelda said, taking my hand in hers. “There’s no way in hell I would have thrown you under the bus like that. I wanted it to be your decision if you met him at all.”

  “Oh, okay,” I said, trying to figure out why I was upset. I suppose it felt like more rejection, but Zelda was looking out for me because she loved me.

  “Shit-titty will make his way here eventually because the two heirs to the future of witch-kind reside here.” Marge stood and moved across the room to her sister while pointedly looking at Zelda and me.

  “I thought I’d hidden them so well,” Baba Yaga mumbled, clearly second guessing herself.

  “The future is impossible to hide,” Marge told her sister with a sad smile.

  Buttbaskets.

  They were a formidable looking pair with more power between them than an army of witches. However, they were smoking crack to think Zelda and I could take over for them. We were a hot magical mess—well, I was. Zelda was pretty cool.

  “Never said I would take the job,” I pointed out to Marge and Baba Yaga.

  “And I’m fairly sure I told you I never want to be the next Baba Yaga. I’m very okay being the Shifter Wanker,” Zelda added.

  The two semi-insane forces of nature exchanged glances and smiles. “I guess will just have to give Fate a call,” Baba said in a casual tone that sent shivers skittering up my spine.

  “But Fate’s a bitch,” Zelda protested.

  “Yep,” Marge agreed with a laugh. “Bitches get stuff done.”

  Truer and crappier words had never been said.

  Chapter Ten

  It was seven AM and I was a cranky assmonkey. It didn’t matter that the day was bright, sunny and beautiful. As far as I was concerned, it was a terrifyingly bad morning and about to get worse.

  “This had better be good,” Fate snapped as she appeared in a blast of shimmering light.

  We all closed our eyes against the glare her impressive arrival created. Her radiance in the early morning sun was almost blinding. Cookie Witch, Baba Yaga, Zelda and I were on the far side of Zelda and Mac’s property, nicely hidden away from prying eyes.

  Plus, Fate would scare the heck out of the Shifters. Fate’s visits were not usually kind.

  She was gorgeous and every kind of insane. She made Baba Yaga and Carol seem stable and normal—no easy feat. Fate stood at least six feet tall and had an out
standing rack on her that put mine to shame. Clad in army fatigues and combat boots, her attire didn’t match her femininity. Tons of thick, curly, rainbow colored hair framed her breathtaking face. With skin as dark as night and sparkling silver eyes, she was unlike any other being on the planet.

  “It is good,” Baba Yaga said, in a measured tone. “We have nonbelievers in our midst.”

  “I was bowling with Destiny and Chance and I was winning,” Fate complained and stomped her foot creating a fairly large hole in the ground. “You don’t understand how difficult that is. And what is wrong with being a non-belieber? I can’t stand that little shit. Justin Bieber sucks even though he has lickable abs. I like Barry Manilow—now there’s some music I can get jiggy with.”

  “I said nonbelievers, not nonbeliebers,” Marge corrected Fate.

  “Oh, my bad.”

  “Alrighty then,” Baba Yaga continued with forced politeness. “The issue at hand is that our replacements don’t want the jobs.”

  “And that’s my problem how?” Fate asked, narrowing her sparkling eyes as the winds of change blew making her hair dance and shimmer in the streams of sunlight peeking through the trees.

  “You’re Fate,” Marge pointed out. “You get to decide these things.”

  Fate proceeded to throw a fit that would have made a toddler proud. Several trees split down the middle and fell to the ground, then she blasted a hole in the grass that an SUV would fit in.

  “Sorry about that,” she said breathlessly when she was done. “It’s just hard to have everything on my shoulders all the time. Gotta let off some steam once in a while. So what’s the problem again?”

  Baba Yaga inhaled through her nose and blew the frustrated breath slowly from her lips. Her magic was itching to break free—she was literally glowing. I was impressed that she hadn’t zapped Fate in the ass yet. Baba wasn’t one to fuck around. But Fate couldn’t have cared less.

  “Zelda and Sassy have been chosen by the Goddess as our replacements—albeit far future replacements—and they don’t seem to be on board with the plan.”

  “What do you want me to do?” Fate demanded with an eye roll like I’d never seen.

  “Your job?” Marge shot back sarcastically.