A Tale Of Two Witches Read online

  Fate paused and sized up all of us with displeasure. “Fine,” she huffed. “Everyone back up. This can get messy.”

  “What in the Goddess’s name is she going to do?” Zelda whispered, alarmed.

  “I have no clue,” Baba Yaga said, pulling Zelda and me back about twenty feet. “Highly unusual.”

  “And dangerous,” Marge added, joining us.

  “We gonna live through this?” I asked, cataloging all the unfinished business in my life.

  “I sure as hell hope so, it would be a clusterfuck of epic proportions if we don’t,” Zelda grumbled.

  Fate was now dancing around like she had a colony of fire ants in her pants—trees were falling and rocks were flying. Ducking, I grabbed Baba Yaga by the hands and yanked her down to the ground next to me.

  “How do we stop this? That crazy freak is going to level Assjacket if she keeps gyrating,” I hissed.

  Baba shrugged her slim shoulders and dodged a flying branch by a mere inch. “Magic won’t work on her. She’ll probably destroy the countryside and then move on to the town. Possibly the entire state.”

  “If not the whole country,” Marge added with a shudder of terror.

  “What in the ever lovin’ fuck?” I shouted, watching more nature fly around, than if an EF5 tornado was blowing through.

  “We’re all going to die,” Zelda ground out, smacking away branches and debris. “I don’t have time to die today. The Next Adventure is not on my schedule.”

  “Reasoning might work,” Marge suggested as she flattened herself on the ground to avoid being crushed by an avalanche of boulders that came rolling through the field like a supersonic freight train had derailed from its tracks.

  “How do you reason with a shit storm on steroids?” I yelled over the howling wind.

  “Don’t know,” Baba shouted back.

  I called bullshit on that one, but didn’t have the time to address it. Baba knew everything. Everything. Something was very wrong here, but if it didn’t stop soon, Zelda was correct. We were going to bite it.

  “Son of a bitch,” Zelda squealed as the formerly lovely field began to fill with water and resemble a muddy lake. “I’ve had enough of this crap.”

  So had I. I was getting married and I needed to kill some demons—not to mention meet my sperm donor. I needed to be alive to accomplish all that.

  “Cease, you out of control whack job,” I shouted over the din. “You will stop behaving like a deranged brat this very minute.”

  “Or what?” Fate demanded, pausing to see what I was going to do.

  Zelda, Marge, and Baba Yaga were waiting too. The silence in the field was eerie. I had everyone’s attention and I wasn’t sure exactly what to do with it.

  Shit.

  What in the Goddess’s name was I going to do? Fate asked a fine question that I had no answer for…

  Okay. Pulling it out of my butt hadn’t failed me yet. Wait. It failed me constantly, but it was all I had at the moment.

  “Or I’ll blow up every tree, boulder and building in Assjacket and pile them on top of your violent ass,” I challenged. It would be hard, but doable. Assjacket would look bizarre without trees, but a witch had to do what a witch had to do. If we let her continue, we’d be ten feet under water anyway.

  “You can do that?” Fate asked, impressed.

  “Yep, I’ll also wax your entire body. Trust me that hurts like a freakin’ motherhumper. I still have a slight heartbeat in my Virginia because I got it violently de-haired several days ago.”

  “Is she right in the head?” Fate inquired staring at me with awe.

  “No, absolutely not,” Zelda chimed in proudly. “So I’d suggest listening to her.”

  “So let me get this straight,” Fate said, trying her very best not to laugh. “You’re gonna wax me and then bury me in trees and boulders?”

  “You bet your fabulously expensive combat boots I am. And I will.”

  “While I find that intriguing—and completely bizarre—it doesn’t solve the issue,” she shot back. “And thanks about the boots.”

  “Welcome.”

  “Oh and take some ibuprofen next time before you have your va-jay-jay ripped. The heartbeat won’t last as long,” Fate suggested, clearly in the know about waxing etiquette.

  “Seriously?” I asked, impressed.

  “Totally.”

  “I hate to get off the subject of vibrating Virginias, but what would solve this issue?” Zelda asked, stepping up next to me before Fate could start her destructive dance again.

  Fate pondered for a moment and then scratched her head, perplexed. “What was the issue again?”

  “Is she freakin’ serious?” Zelda whispered.

  Elbowing Zelda before she called Fate a name that would end in the Apocalypse, I decided to just play along nicely. Not my usual behavior, but this shit was too real and I was sure waxing Fate wouldn’t end well.

  “The issue is that we don’t want to take over for Marge and Carol,” I reminded her, wondering how someone so loopy ended up having the fate of the world on her hands.

  “Right,” she said. “Just take the jobs and I’ll leave.”

  “Really?” Zelda asked doubtfully.

  “Yep.”

  Nothing was that easy… or was it?

  “So you’re saying if we agree to take the shitty jobs somewhere in the very, very, very, very distant future, you’ll quit behaving like a spoiled child ramped up on caffeine, sugar, and crack?”

  “Yep.”

  I glanced over at Zelda. She sighed in defeat and laughed.

  “Fine,” I muttered in disgust. “You win.”

  “Once you say it, it sticks,” Fate warned with a wide grin as she magically produced paperwork for us to sign. “And you, Zelda. Do you accept your fate?”

  “Yesssss,” Zelda grumbled rudely. “Sucks, but yes.”

  We signed the contracts with a few choice curses. Fate simply laughed. As soon as we’d signed, the legal proof of our stupidity poofed away in a small blast of silver glitter.

  “Alrighty, now that that’s done… any more issues?” Fate asked as she snapped her fingers and restored the field to its former beauty.

  “No,” Zelda said quickly.

  “Questions?” Fate inquired.

  “Umm… yes. Where did you get those kickass boots?” They were every kind of awesome and actually made me drool.

  “Custom made,” Fate replied with a grin. “Destiny makes them. Shall I tell her to give you a call?”

  “GODDESS, NO,” I shouted, and then tamped it back when the crazy lady’s eyes narrowed to slits. “I mean, no. Thank you, but no. Never. Ever. No.”

  If Destiny was as nutty and destructive as Fate, I wanted no part of the dang boots—no matter how hot I would look in them. They were amazing, but not worth the amount of destruction that would go with getting a pair.

  “Smart choice,” Fate said with a chuckle. “She makes me look tame. So Carol and Marge, you happy now?”

  “We are,” Baba Yaga said, brushing herself off and giving Fate a warm hug. “You were fabulous as usual.”

  “Wait a motherhumpin’ minute,” Zelda snapped. “We were set up? You freaks planned this?”

  “Your point?” Baba Yaga asked with narrowed eyes and sparking fingers.

  I could tell Zelda had a lot to say, but she bit it back with effort. Following her lead, I stayed silent and shook my head. They’d won. We’d lost. Nothing we could change now.

  “Dear, this is par for the course,” Marge explained with a giggle, patting Zelda and me on the back. “How do you think we were convinced to take these jobs?”

  “And let me tell you,” Fate added with a snort, “it took a heck of a lot more than demolishing a field to convince those two idiots.”

  Baba Yaga’s bell-like laughter rang out and she shrugged unconcerned. “This is true. Thank you, Fate. I hope you win your bowling match.”

  “I will… it’s fated,” Fate assured us, an
d then focused her silver gaze on Zelda and me. “You two have an interesting road ahead. I will allow one question each from you about your future.”

  She crossed her arms over her ample chest and waited. The light fragrant breeze made her hair float around her head like a colorful rainbow. It would have been a real shame to have waxed her bald. She was otherworldly beautiful and was offering us something very rare—a peek into the future.

  My mind spun with millions of questions I wanted to ask. Would Jeeves always love me? Was my father responsible for the demons? Did my Sperm Donor love me? Would I get the lead in Sharknado? Would my chipmunks get fired again? Or get girlfriends? Or ever move out of the house? How could I learn to love myself?

  Zelda was as quiet as I was while she considered the precious offer.

  It was unheard of to know the future and very tempting. But would knowing the future screw it up? Would I mess up the present by already knowing what tomorrow would bring? I messed up the present enough without knowing the future…

  The tantrum Fate threw now made a little more sense. I realized how much it would suck ass to know everything.

  “No,” Zelda and I said at the same time.

  We looked at each other and grinned. There was a fine chance we’d blow up the world when we took over for Baba and Marge, but at least we’d do it together.

  “Smarter than they look,” Fate commented dryly.

  “Thank you,” I replied as Zelda made an unpleasant face. A compliment was a compliment—no matter how insulting. At least Fate hadn’t blasted anything else… or us.

  “I’m out,” she grunted as she straightened her combat wear. “And just a heads up, young witches. Be careful. The present is very dangerous—more dangerous than knowing what the future holds.”

  And on that cryptic and unwelcome note, she vanished.

  And time marched on because that’s what time does. So we did too. Mostly because we had no choice.

  “You ready to ward Assjacket?” Zelda asked me with a small grimace.

  “No, are you?”

  “Nope.”

  “Great,” I said with a laugh. “Let’s go do it.”

  Chapter Eleven

  Everyone in town stood about a hundred feet from us and wore horrified expressions on their faces. Who could blame them? I was fairly horrified too.

  Roger the rabbit’s nose was twitching so rapidly in his human form I was sure his bunny ears would pop out any second. That would be weird, but I was getting used to weird. My chipmunks took first prize for weird.

  Roger worried his hands and paced a wide circle around us. “So explain how you two are going to ward the town against dark magic.”

  “No fucking clue,” I told the crowd as Zelda nodded her head in agreement.

  “We’re going to conjure up some dark magic to counteract what’s headed our way,” Zelda explained.

  “And you’ve done this before?” Roger inquired hopefully.

  “No,” Zelda admitted. “We haven’t.”

  The gasps and groans were audible, but what other choice than the truth did we have? If we lied and fucked up, that would be far worse than telling the truth and accidentally blowing Assjacket to Kingdom Come… kind of.

  “This is a tad concerning,” Roger went on, gaining momentum from the nods and murmuring of the crowd.

  Roger was the town’s therapist and had a penchant for porn. According to everyone, including Zelda, he was a good headshrinker. Whatever. For the most part I liked him but his attitude was making my fingers itchy. I knew we were a bad bet, but a little support would have been nice.

  “Look,” I said in an attempt to be reasonable—not my forte. “We have some dark bastards showing up shortly. They’re going to destroy the town anyway, so if we nail it by mistake first, at least it was done with good infections.”

  “I think you meant intentions,” Roger corrected me.

  “That’s what I said.”

  “No. You said good infections.”

  “I’ve never even heard of a good infection. Are you drunk?”

  The rabbit threw his little hands in the air and started hopping in circles. “Bad idea, bad idea, bad idea,” Roger mumbled bouncing around and making strange gulping noises. “Zelda is a loose cannon, but Sassy… Sassy is, um… a very, very bad idea.”

  “Dude,” I snapped, completely insulted. “What do you know about bad ideas? Rabbits weewee on their mates and pass it off as foreplay. I call gross-me-out on that one.”

  Well, that certainly silenced the murmurs. All eyes were now on Roger who slunk back into the crowd still mumbling to himself.

  “Is that even true?” Zelda asked with a wrinkled nose.

  “Yep.”

  “And you know this how?”

  “Animal Planet. I watch it to get more familiar with my rodents. There is some seriously nasty shit going on in the animal kingdom.”

  “Word,” Zelda said.

  Jeeves, Mac, Fabio, Marge, Chip, Chad, Chunk and Chutney stood off to our right in solidarity with us. The rest of our town, made up totally of Shifters, wasn’t quite on board yet.

  Glancing around Main Street, I sighed. I didn’t blame them for not wanting me to save them, but I knew in my heart I could do it—or I’d die trying. I loved these idiots and this town.

  The charming town of Assjacket, West Virginia wasn’t charming on the outside at all. It was run down and shoddy looking. It was also brilliant. Humans drove right through the tiny, one street town without a backward glance. Their loss…

  Behind the deteriorating exteriors of the buildings was pure magic.

  The closest town to us was an hour away, which really put Assjacket in the middle of nowhere. The town square—if you could call it that, it was more of a cockeyed oval—was dominated by a huge statue of a cement bear missing one side of his head. The rest of the short block of Main Street included the scrumptious Assjacket Diner, the hardware store with the cozy bar hidden in the back that had an awesome jukebox, the disgusting grocery store that had a supply door in the back that led to all sorts of exotic fruits, veggies, meats, cheeses and Cheetos, an old timey barbershop, and a gas station that sported a sign that lied and told passersby that they were out of gas. The Shifters had created a dumpy paradise in one of the loveliest parts of the United States.

  Bob the beaver stepped forward. Making eye contact with Bob was impossible for me. His unibrow was all I could focus on. I wanted to pluck that shit so bad I could taste it. I couldn’t even imagine how the waxhappy Hooch sisters felt about the look Bob was working. He’d played my brother Christopher in the Assjacket Community Theatre production of Mommie Dearest. The dork never even made it onto the stage. The one browed wonder froze up in the wings. I never wanted Bob to have my back in battle or on stage again. I hoped to the Goddess he wasn’t auditioning for Sharknado.

  “Maybe the Baba Yaga could lend a hand,” Bob suggested carefully with his brow waggling up a very worried storm.

  “No can do,” Zelda announced to the traumatized looking crowd. “She’s babysitting Henry and Audrey. The crazy old bag made it very clear that this is my territory to take care of.”

  “Or blow to smithereens,” Bob added in a terrified whisper.

  “Yes, that too,” Zelda agreed. “Sassy, would you like to add anything?”

  I was certain I heard half the town groan in dread, but it could have been the wind. “I’d just like to say that while we have no fucking idea what we’re doing, we will be fully committed.”

  “To the insane asylum?” one of the Hooch sisters asked.

  “Listen here, you violent buzzard,” I hissed. “You aren’t the only motherhumper in town that knows how to wax.”

  “So noted,” the larger of the Hooches said and hightailed it to the back of the group.

  “So I say we get this party started,” I yelled to utter silence.

  “Umm… Sassy come over here for a sec,” Zelda said, moving down the street.

  “No worrie
s,” I yelled to the still mute townsfolk. “Stay where you are, we’ll be back in a jiffy.”

  I jogged down the street to where Zelda was pacing back and forth, waving at my kids and blowing Jeeves a kiss. “I think they’re coming around,” I told Zelda.

  “Nope,” Zelda disagreed. “They are definitely not coming around. Have you ever used your dark magic?”

  “Never knew I had it until yesterday, so I’m going with a no to that.”

  “Shit,” she mumbled and continued to pace.

  “Can I be of any assistance here?” Fabio asked as he approached us.

  “Goddess, I hope so, Dad,” Zelda said and hugged him hard.

  A little zing of jealously zipped through me as I watched what a father and daughter relationship should be. I knew it wasn’t in the cards for me and Bermangogglefart, but a girl could hope. Wait. What was I hoping for? We were about to ward the town to protect our people from my sperm donor. Sweet reunions were not in my future.

  “Okay, so what’s the plan?” he asked both of us.

  “We don’t actually have one,” I admitted, and Fabio paled so much his freckles stood out.

  “I see,” he said. “Zelda what did you do when you went up against Bermangoggleshitz last time?”

  “Not following,” she said.

  “How did you pull on your dark magic?” he pressed.

  Zelda thought for a moment and then shrugged. “I just got really pissed, let it rip, and faked it.”

  “That’s certainly a recipe for disaster,” Fabio muttered.

  “Should I try mine out? For practice?” I asked, wondering what would happen.

  They both stared at me and considered my request until I felt wildly uncomfortable. Finally Zelda nodded hesitantly.

  “Go a half of a mile down the road,” she instructed. “Let’s see what you can do.”

  Taking a deep breath and saying a quick prayer to the Goddess who might or might not like me much, I got far away enough from those I loved. The road was straight so I could still make them out and I knew they were safe. Jeeves stood in the middle of the road, out in front of everyone, waving and giving me a thumbs up.

  Goddess, I loved that man.

  “Here goes nothing,” I muttered to no one since no one could hear me. “Get pissed, let it rip and fake it. I can do that.”